To make BIL stick to the agreement?

[DisappointedOne]

DH has just turned 40. We usually have a celebration of big birthdays in the summer because nobody can be arsed at this time of year. Rather than a party, which he definitely doesn't want, I've arranged a surprise weekend for him and his 3 brothers. It's a specific thing that's only on for that weekend, and I checked with them
all that they were free for it last spring. All confirmed they were and I bought the tickets in April 2015 (ie 16 months in advance).

Now, of course, I knew something might come up at the last minute that might prevent one of them from making it. It's come up in conversation today that one of them has been invited to a wedding abroad that's on the same weekend. He's trying to find a way to do both, but in reality it will mean he makes 1 day of the thing rather than 3. Surely knowing that he would be away with his brothers that weekend he should turn down the wedding invite.


AIBU to be annoyed? WIBU to point out that he agreed to this first, and that his brother should take priority here?

[PurpleWithRed]

It really is his choice to do whichever he prefers, not yours.

[DisappointedOne]

I may apply that principle to his wedding when the time comes. Thanks.

[Leelu6]

Purplewithred - do promises mean nothing to you?

OP has spent money based on his agreement.

OP - YANBU. What a dick.

[DisappointedOne]

Funny you should say that - it's a derivative of his name.

[LeaLeander]

The etiquette of the matter is that the first accepted invitation always takes precedence no matter how wistful one is if something else comes along.

Not to mention family loyalty. He should definitely honor the original arrangements.

[thinkfast]

Imo if you've arranged and booked something in advance then he should decline the wedding invitation. Prior social events which you've already committed to take precedence

[yorkshapudding]

I agree that if you've already committed to attending an event then that should take priority, especially if the host/organiser has already spent money based on you confirming your attendance. Otherwise you're basically saying, "I've had a better offer".

[WhereYouLeftIt]

He had a solid gold reason to not haul himself abroad for a wedding - and he passed?

[DisappointedOne]

Wedding abroad = piss up. He's never been one to turn down one of those.

[Gazelda]

As much as I agree that going on your DH's event would be the 'right' thing to do, I can't see how you can make him do it.

[MilkTwoSugarsThanks]

It depends whose wedding it is I guess.

[fredfredgeorgejnrsnr]

No the first accepted thing does not always take priority, that's madness, withdrawing from an event in August in January is perfectly reasonable notice.

YABU, and as you're not even doing this thing, you don't really have a stake in it, what does your actual DH think, as he's the one to be annoyed or not at his brother joining him.

[CasualJersey]

Fred
OP paid for the 'thing' so yes she does have a stake in it

OP YANBU

[SuperCee7]

YANBU. That's rude and inconsiderate of him.

[DisappointedOne]

No the first accepted thing does not always take priority, that's madness, withdrawing from an event in August in January is perfectly reasonable notice.

It's not in August.

YABU, and as you're not even doing this thing, you don't really have a stake in it, what does your actual DH think, as he's the one to be annoyed or not at his brother joining him.

DH knows nothing about it. Hence saying in my OP "I've arranged a surprise weekend with his 3 brothers".

To date it's cost me the best part of £800 so yes, I do have a right to be annoyed about it.

[badg3r]

It's his brother's birthday. He should stick to the original plan. Maybe IABU but 6 months notice for a wedding abroad seems a bit tight. I'm sure he'll not be the only one missing it because of prior commitments.

[DisappointedOne]

It appears he's known about the wedding since October. Didn't think to mention it, of course......

[Howdoesironmanwee]

So they're going to a music festival?

[LeaLeander]

Actually yes, according to traditional etiquette and standards of social behavior, it is considered beyond the pale to withdraw from one event in order to attend another - unless the second event is one's own funeral. This is quite well established in the canon of etiquette writing and basic social decency.

I realize the latter are not necessarily important to everyone reading this thread, of course.

[Merguez]

Surely it depends whose wedding it is?

If it's a close friend, or family, maybe the wedding should take precedence.

But he should refund you the cost of the tickets if you can't sell them on.

[ingeniousidiot]

So he should go to a birthday (of which there should be many others) and miss a (hopefully one-off) wedding? YABU.

[CheesyWeez]

Does he realize you've paid for it? Maybe point that out and ask him to stick to the plan. I'm not sure how you could make him do it though. Can you get the 2 other brothers to make him come? He certainly had plenty of notice! I didn't even know you could book things 16 months ahead... if he's determined to go to the wedding is there any possibility of moving the date of your thing? I don't see why you should, but it might come to it... oh I know, go round to his and drop his passport down the back of a tall cupboard or something

[ingeniousidiot]

Are you sure it's not in august? - you bought the tickets in april, 16 months in advance??

[LizzieMacQueen]

Is it because he's been invited to the wedding with his partner so not going to the wedding will let her down....which to him is preferable to letting you down.

I'm guessing it's tickets to a cup final.

[Merguez]

And the rules of etiquette about prior engagements taking precedence do have some flexibility ... I would have thought the wedding of a close friend or family member took precedence over a sibling's birthday, which happens once a year, and can still be celebrated with the other siblings.