I have 2 DC, DS is very kind and loving, a gentle, good little boy. DD is what is referred to as a character she is a good girl, she can be kind and thoughtful, but she can also be bossy, demanding, basically a little madam at times.
She hit another DC at school, for not moving out of her way when she asked them to. The teacher punished her by putting her on Red (traffic light system) and I took her screen time away for a week (she is in reception) and talked with her about being kind etc... So she went back to school, and for the next week teacher said she was a model student. Teacher said she was actually quite funny, how she strained to sit as straight as humanly possible etc. So teacher put her on gold.
Now, here's my thing.
I understand she has been rewarded for good behaviour, I understand that the teacher has done it to show her that being well behaved is better than being naughty, and has done it to encourage her to keep behaving well, fine.
But DS has never been on Gold. And he's such a good boy all year round (he burst into tears 'confessing' to me he'd been given a warning for breaking a pencil just before parents evening. That's the worst thing he's ever done in school)
I used to see it at school myself, the children who were good all the time were left to it, the disruptive kids were punished for being good for an hour (or so it seemed).
I am a bit put out on DS' behalf. He seemed really happy for DD, and kept telling me, quite excitedly 'DD must have been sooo good to get on gold' and then, a little wistfully, ' I'venever been on gold'
I don't know if I'm over reacting or not, and DD was so pleased to be put on gold, and it really did reinforce to her that good behaviour is better, but just seem to be showing the opposite to me
AIBU?
To think it's wrong you get punished more for being naughty?
Timri · 07/01/2016 14:16
I've noticed this in adult life too. I was trying to explain my theory to dd the other day....
At work, there were always those who were constantly taking the piss. Then there were the conscientious ones, always reliable, always punctual etc. Like me
.
If a piss-taker did something "good", it was remarked upon in a positive way. If, however, a normally conscientious person did something "bad", like making an uncharacteristic error, it was regarded as something really heinous. I think it's something about expectation. A "good" child is expected to be good at all times, because the expectation of that child is driven by his or her normal behaviour.
Same with adults. I once took an unprecedented day off work due to a perfectly legitimate dose of the trots. I was viewed with suspicion by my manager when I went in next day. A colleague, who was always taking time off with a variety of spurious complaints, got tea and sympathy.
Same with families. I was always the "good" child. My cousin, who was always the needy, demanding, entitled one, got all the praise, when I got none
.
We had an "Always Good" reward system at one school I worked at. All pupils who worked hard and behaved well were automaticallyu given the treat (choice of loads of different clubs for 30 mins on Friday afternoon.) Pupils who behaved inappropriately would be given a report card where they had to earn back the reward by getting 4 perfect behaviour marks before the reward.
Of course misbehaving on a Friday morning was always a bad thing as they wouldn't have enough time to win back their reward!
It generally worked well and seemed fairer to all children.
In the long term, I wonder if it isn't actually a positive thing for children to experience the arbitrariness of these rewards? I don't just mean in that awful, brutal sense of 'Oh, life's unfair, get used to it', but in a more subtle way. Rewards don't always come to those who deserve them therefore, it's good to have a standard of goodness inside yourself, that doesn't depend on being patted on the head by anyone else. There are some occasions in life - few and far between, thank goodness - where you have to choose to do what's right, not what's popular or easy or likely to make a big splash.
I guess this is an argument against the whole system, though!!!
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