Talk

Advanced search

Mother not acknowledging my DC4 as I owed her money before I got pregnant with him!

(42 Posts)
OldWomanWhoLivesInATinyShoe Wed 06-Jan-16 21:43:57

A few years back DH and I were in a dire financial situation, ie. homeless (won't go into details but it was definitely bad luck rather than poor decision making) so for the first time ever in my adult life, I had to ask my mother and stepfather for a loan. I had never asked for anything from any family member before this.

Mother agreed to help (small amount - think £3K) and the only reason I asked was due to the fact that I knew she had a large amount of savings that were not needed at that point.

Later on I tried to pay the money back but she told me to wait until we were more settled etc. Later on when we were settled, she told me that it was forgotten which I felt bad about as I hated feeling 'beholden' but we got on with life.

I then started feeling very broody, last chance fertility madness, and DH and I agreed to try for baby No 3 for a few months not expecting it to happen due to my age and that I would get over it! I got pregnant straight away.

I noticed that my mother was not really interested in my pregnancy and expressed dismay when I said I was having another DS hmm, but whatever, she has a lot of grandchildren and we only saw her 2/3 times a year anyway, did not expect anything like childcare.

They visited after I gave birth and mother was not at all interested in holding him, same thing when we visited a few months later. She 'forgot' his 1st birthday and 2nd, (never forgot older DCs) missed his name off family Christmas cards, would deliberately say his name wrong, never asked after him in phone calls etc. We are NC now due to lots of reasons, this being one of them.

I was told later by another relative that she was angry that I had another child while still owing her money and she has spread this around the family. I do wonder sometimes if I was in the wrong despite her telling me that she didn't want the money back!

So WIBU?

OldWomanWhoLivesInATinyShoe Wed 06-Jan-16 21:46:02

Sorry title should be DC3!

Eigg Wed 06-Jan-16 21:46:59

If she told you not to pay it back, you aren't in the wrong but given the circumstances and the family gossip I'd do my best to pay it back if at all possible now.

TiredButFineODFOJ Wed 06-Jan-16 21:50:05

I'm going to suggest that as you are NC for other issues, this kind of two faced backstabbing/matyr behaviour is typical for her?
She's got a massive problem. Good work with going NC

TheGoldenApplesOfTheSun Wed 06-Jan-16 21:53:30

You weren't in the wrong and what she has done sounds awful and so cruel to poor DS3 who isn't responsible for what you did anyway. Think about it this way - even if you had done something wrong (which you absolutely haven't!) it would still be unfair of her to target your young child in spite - he is not responsible and deserves as much love and attention from her as any of her other grandkids.

Hihohoho1 Wed 06-Jan-16 21:53:36

Yeuk she sounds a nasty peice of work op.

Keep nc and keep the negativity out of your life.

Damselindestress Wed 06-Jan-16 21:54:03

SIBU! Make sure the rest of the family know that you offered her the money back but she wouldn't take it! It's so wrong of her to involve an innocent child in this issue!

TheGoldenApplesOfTheSun Wed 06-Jan-16 21:58:15

Also, please don't feel you have to pay the money back! It sounds like the sort of thing any close family might do for each other, without the expectation it would be repaid. If you were on a bad situation then it was really her duty as a parent to help you and your young family out if she had the spare savings. Think of what you would do for your own kids when they grow up & have families and if they got into trouble and needed help? And you did offer to pay it back which she initially refused. I think the desire to hold something over you is behind her new demands for money, not a feeling that the situation really is unfair.

choli Wed 06-Jan-16 22:05:09

Also, please don't feel you have to pay the money back! It sounds like the sort of thing any close family might do for each other, without the expectation it would be repaid. If you were on a bad situation then it was really her duty as a parent to help you and your young family out if she had the spare savings. Think of what you would do for your own kids when they grow up & have families and if they got into trouble and needed help? And you did offer to pay it back which she initially refused. I think the desire to hold something over you is behind her new demands for money, not a feeling that the situation really is unfair.

How do you define "spare" savings? Have you ever given a family member thousands of pounds with no expectation of repayment?

OP should have paid the money back even when her mother refused. So much bad blood is caused in families due to money and attitudes.

babyheave Wed 06-Jan-16 22:08:36

I'd do your best to pay her the money back. That doesn't mean she was right to do what she has done, but it will take away her power.

GruntledOne Wed 06-Jan-16 22:11:57

OP should have paid the money back even when her mother refused.

No she shouldn't. Plenty of parents give their children money, it would be silly to assume it has to be paid back - in fact, for many parents, that would in itself cause offence.

Aeroflotgirl Wed 06-Jan-16 22:13:45

choli that is no excuse to treat an innocent child like that! If she wanted the money, she could have sat down and talked to her DAUGHTER, not spread gossip and lies.

Shutthatdoor Wed 06-Jan-16 22:15:35

if she had the spare savings.

Do you know they were 'spare'

OldWomanWhoLivesInATinyShoe Wed 06-Jan-16 22:20:32

Choli believe me she would not have accepted the money back. This was never mentioned until we went NC. I did not connect her attitude towards DS with the money until I was told that this was what she was saying. I thought it was due to us calling DS after his paternal grandfather.

Aeroflotgirl Wed 06-Jan-16 22:22:28

I would communicate with mother and pay her back, somehow so you don't have this tarnishing things.

sweetvparsley Wed 06-Jan-16 22:33:55

I too think that the £3K should be paid back (gradually if it will cause hardship to your family). Unless your mum has a huge pension pot that money will go a long way to helping her in her old age.

I don't want to say too much as it may out me but a relative of ours had a third child in a less than ideal financial situation. It was hard to celebrate the announcement of the pregnancy at the time as I knew that she had effectively used the rest of her family as her life insurance policy. For complicated reasons she is unable to claim benefits and her elderly parents are now financially supporting her and her children.

I think I can empathize with your mother although of course she is wrong to take it out on your children.

AdoraBell Wed 06-Jan-16 22:36:38

You should tell other relatives that you tried to repay and this was refused.

You are not in the wrong but I think you should repay her now. Could you pay it all at once? Either way send payment by cheque, or standing order if you need to do it in installments.

penguinplease Wed 06-Jan-16 22:36:54

I would pay back that money and tell her to shove it up her arse.

This is the type of silly shit my mother used to pull all the time and frankly you have to decide to let them fuck off and not worry about it.

BUT get that money to her, she hasn't got a leg to stand on then.

OldWomanWhoLivesInATinyShoe Wed 06-Jan-16 22:38:50

Shutthatdoor yes they were 'spare'. Sat in a bank account and she was complaining about the low rate of interest.

In the end, most of her savings were depleted by a younger sibling who she spent over £150k on by giving her a deposit for a house and paying off debts due to her becoming a single mum. She now has almost nothing left. She finds it easier to focus on what she gave me than her I suppose.

Aeroflotgirl Wed 06-Jan-16 22:58:14

Your best off NC with her, and gradually pay it back.

bojorojo Wed 06-Jan-16 23:23:18

So, in effect, the money was not "spare". She possibly now needs it. Get on the moral high ground and pay it back.

knobblyknee Wed 06-Jan-16 23:26:10

YANBU, what a nasty thing to do to your own child and grandchild.

Her loss IMO. flowers wine

Mmmmcake123 Wed 06-Jan-16 23:38:00

Does she have issues with your dh for the financial situation, perhaps she feels he isn't stable enough for you to have a third child. Mentioning money to family may be her way of saying she really thinks that you shouldn't make yourself even more vulnerable if the same thing happened again.
BTW I don't agree with posts encouraging NC without knowing all the facts. This may be your current situation but it is worth remembering that when you needed help she was actually there and did help. I think you should talk but obviously you haven't expanded on the reasons for NC so I may be very wrong.

Marzipanface Wed 06-Jan-16 23:43:35

YANBU.

You can offer to pay the money back but it is highly unlikely to change her behaviour. Plus you'll be poorer.

Like another poster said, good luck with the no contact.

MagicalMrsMistoffelees Thu 07-Jan-16 00:09:06

She said not to pay it back. The kind of thing many parents would say. So you would expect her to mean that and therefore of course you shouldn't have to pay back the money. Why some posters think you're in the wrong for not doing so is typical of the stoic MN attitude that dictates: 'I can stand on my own two feet and require no help / support / money, even from my parents, thank you very much.'

However, even though you shouldn't have to pay it back and have done nothing wrong I have to say in your situation I probably would pay it back because I wouldn't want to feel beholden to her.

It must really rankle that she gave a sibling £150k but is funny with you about £3k that she said you didn't need to pay back! Again, I'm not one of those mumsnetters who thinks, 'it's her money to do with as she sees fit. Now stop being so entitled.' Bollocks to that when there's such disparity between her treatment of her children.

To ignore your son is disgusting. My father ignores all three of mine equally which is one thing - to single one out is just cruel and weird.

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now