Dreading becoming a hated MIL

(309 Posts)
FlatOnTheHill Wed 06-Jan-16 19:54:43

I have read so many MIL threads on MN and many of the attacks on MILs are for such petty, ridiculous and unnecessary reasons it makes for uncomfortable reading.
Does anyone else dread the thought of their DS's one day marrying a controlling MIL hater.

ButImNotTheOnlyOne Wed 06-Jan-16 19:56:27

Just be nice and you'll be fine.

LineyReborn Wed 06-Jan-16 19:56:40

No.

msrisotto Wed 06-Jan-16 19:57:41

Don't be a dick and you won't be hated. Threads about how great one's relatives are do not garner much popularity because they're dull.

BackforGood Wed 06-Jan-16 20:00:27

YABU to be worrying about this, unless it is imminent (being hated I mean, not being a MiL).
There are DiLs who are somewhat unreasonable on here, but a lot of the threads do describe some pretty odd behaviour from the MiL. If you aren't going to behave badly, then the odds are you'll all get along fine - just like most people do in real life, but we don't tend to post about the 'ordinary'

mayflyaway Wed 06-Jan-16 20:00:42

nope me neither, I have two boys & two girls & none of the 'woe-is-me-mother-of-sons' stuff.

Sparkletastic Wed 06-Jan-16 20:00:49

No because I'm confident I'm not a bitch

FlatOnTheHill Wed 06-Jan-16 20:01:28

Im always pleasant and nice to people. My DS is 15 so its years away.
I just see very petty reasons for a lot of MILs to get slated.

hesterton Wed 06-Jan-16 20:01:42

I was very nervous having read so many threads on here, but it has helped me to 'parent-in-law' my sons' lovely wives.

My tips would be:

Never offer advice unless asked. Listen though and sympathise or empathise is helpful.
See your role as boosting them as parents and raising their confidence to do a great job themselves
Offer open ended help
Don't be all lioness with your son, especially not against his wife, ever.
Don't give stuff without checking it's needed/wanted
Never bad mouth your dil to anyone. Be as loyal to them as you would your own child.

It can be a good relationship.

Lumihiutale Wed 06-Jan-16 20:01:59

Well I don't plan on... Let's see - accusing my DIL of "hogging" the baby when she breastfeeds; turning up at their wedding dressed all in black and sobbing throughout the ceremony, feeding a 3 month old cake or any other of the batshit MIL things I've read about on here.

It does amuse me that all the "potential MIL" stuff is levied at mothers of boys...who was that vile comedian who pretty much invented the "Mother in Law" joke trope? A man. Mums of girls are just as likely to be seen as problematic as mums of boys, just not as much on mumsnet.

NeedsAsockamnesty Wed 06-Jan-16 20:02:24

I'm a mil.

I find if you remember to take your guidance on boundries in families where the children are not yours from the actual parents it tends to go Without a hitch

Stanky Wed 06-Jan-16 20:06:19

I get on very well with my MIL. I have occasionally felt pain from her words, but this is just from her favouritism to her daughters and granddaughter over dh and our ds s. She doesn't intend to hurt us, and it's just thoughtlessness, but it does sting a bit sometimes. Ouch. I never show it though. We mostly get along great.

PlummyBrummy Wed 06-Jan-16 20:06:29

^ as above. If you have a basic understanding of what's appropriate and what is not (ie: don't take DGs for their first haircut without telling DiL and expect her to be thrilled for eg) and I'm sure you'll rub along fine.

Just checking though: can you conceive that there are women out there who you could consider great DiLs?

DeAtHnOtE Wed 06-Jan-16 20:06:42

I just see very petty reasons for a lot of MILs to get slated.

It's usually a case of 'straw that broke' with these posts though. We see a snippet, one tiny issue that seems like nothing, but added in to the whole picture we see why a poster is being driven up the wall.

Don't be a huge cunt and you'll be fine.

pictish Wed 06-Jan-16 20:07:01

There are threads by controlling mil haters on here and there are also threads by some poor put upon dils. You get both (imo).

LordBrightside Wed 06-Jan-16 20:07:29

For those with boys dreading being a MIL, beware of self fulfilling prophecies.

My mother would passive aggressively moan for years about not having daughters, how "a daughter's a daughter all of her life, a son's a son till he takes a wife".

Then I got married. And we were very nice to her for years but still she persisted with this fallacy and in the end I got sick of her demands and never being satisfied with how I tried to include her in my life. She believed she was being usurped and became a total pain. It was all in her head.

Now we are NC.

I adore my MIL.

Cocolepew Wed 06-Jan-16 20:08:54

You might think that tge reasons are petty, but when they happen time and time again they stop being petty and become a PITA.

gleam Wed 06-Jan-16 20:09:57

My mil was ace, it was my mother who was the problem

Respect your dil and you'll be fine.

BlueJug Wed 06-Jan-16 20:11:05

Actually yes I do worry. I have seen it drive families apart. My lovely cousin married a bitch. She was sour and had thought that he was a better catch than he was in terms of money because his parents had a big house etc. She was determined to get her "share". She wanted the well-off parents to buy the couple a house and used the two children to manipulate her MiL. My cousin said no to this - not his mother.

My aunt was lovely. Just lovely - and it broke her heart.

15 or so years later the marriage broke up. So I suppose my cousin was glad she didn't get his inheritance.

Gliblet Wed 06-Jan-16 20:13:03

People don't usually need to vent about lovely MILs online, so you see a very skewed view of MILs on here. I get on very well with my MIL - she's lovely, was a huge help when DS was tiny, visits regularly, we all look forward to seeing her and we're sad to see her leave. I know my mum got on well with her late MIL as well.

FlatOnTheHill Wed 06-Jan-16 20:13:10

Of course there are great DILs and MILs. As I said its some threads ive read in the past for example whereby a MIL bought grandchild its first ever Advent Calendar and the DIL was fuming as she wanted to buy the childs first Advent confused. Did it really matter? That sort of petty thing.
I hope to one day have a great MIL/DIL relationship smile

EponasWildDaughter Wed 06-Jan-16 20:13:55

No more than i would read the all the relationship board threads talking about domestic violence and 'dread' a son of mine becoming an abuser.

All the (worried) mothers of sons on MN must be daughter in laws themselves - how do you they get on with their MILs? Better to use that as a guide to the future, rather than hand wringing about so called 'MIL haters' on MN hmm

lighteningirl Wed 06-Jan-16 20:14:31

I am saddened by many of the mil posts on mn there is so little recognition that it's your child's child it' and one day you too will be the mil. Some of the complaints are so petty and mean.

MilkTwoSugarsThanks Wed 06-Jan-16 20:15:54

My MiL was lovely, it was her son who was a twat. I miss her since I divorced the bellend.

Floisme Wed 06-Jan-16 20:17:01

It does amuse me that all the "potential MIL" stuff is levied at mothers of boys...who was that vile comedian who pretty much invented the "Mother in Law" joke trope? A man. Mums of girls are just as likely to be seen as problematic as mums of boys, just not as much on mumsnet.

Exactly.

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