To be annoyed at mil?(31 Posts)
This is going to sound so bloody ungrateful, but basically mil gave ds 7mo faaaaar too much stuff for Xmas. She also gives us massive bags of clothes, toys etc for him whenever we go see her.
Prblem is we stay in a teeny tiny 2 bed flat and it always feels so cluttered.
I am always gracious and say thank you very much, put the clothes on him at home take pictures to send to her etc. obviously I do appreciate it, I know she saves us a fortune on clothes but it's got to the point I have literally no more space in my flat so things are gonna have to start going to charity shops etc!
For Xmas she gave us toys for him that are aged 2-3 years, so again just going to take up so much space. When I seen how much stuff she had bought for him I was actually slightly embarrassed, it was an overwhelming amount of stuff for a young baby!
But anyway, she also bought a wee table and chair set for him, it's huge and I do not have anywhere to put it. Ds has a room up at my dads, his own wee second bedroom, he stays a lot just now but he will stay even more when he's older, my dad lives round the corner and him and ds are wee best pals already. Dh mum lives about an hour away and he will not be able to ever stay with her, she doesn't keep well enough.
So anyway I put this table and chair in his bedroom at my dads and took a wee pic of him sitting at it, and tagged mil in the picture on fb, to let her see him sitting at it, I thought she'd like it.
Next thing, I get a PA message about what's the point in me buying stuff for it to lie in a spare cupboard etc etc.
I tried to explain its not a spare cupboard, it's a bedroom
That he will be staying in lots over the years, bit apparently I'm cheeky and rude. So I said ok fine I will move it into our flat. So now it is here. Taking up my whole living room ffs.
Was I being cheeky in the first place?
No I don't think you are cheeky. It us a tricky one as you don't want to seem ungrateful but I think you need to explain how you just don't have room for it in your flat. Maybe if she wants to help instead of buying him lots of toys she could set him up a bank account so she's still contributing but not filling your home?
Stop messaging and start talking.
Surely she understands if there's no room, there's no room?
No of course not - take it back to your dad's and tell her that you HAVE NO ROOM in your TINY flat. And perhaps to avoid this in future she runs what she is buying past you first.
I understand MIL wants to buy stuff for her grandson but she does need to consider your space limitations. It's a difficult thing to discuss as I can see how easily such a discussion can be misinterpreted and you will be labelled rude and unreasonable, which I don't think you are.
To start with, I would definitely stop posting her pictures of your DS either wearing the stuff she buys or using it. Do say thank you but don't post any such pictures as I feel you are only encouraging her to buy more. Also, that will stop her seeing where you put anything.
DH definitely needs to have a firm word with her and explain your challenges with space. It's easier for him to have the conversation. If she fancies buying the stuff that can only be used next year or the year after, perhaps she can agree to store it until then and will soon realise what you mean.
It's a lovely thing to do as my MIL never buys my son anything at all, not even for his birthdays or Xmas, but at the same time I can see what you mean too as at the end of the day you can't put this stuff and keep it on your head!
If nothing works after all your efforts and she continues, then start donating some of the stuff to charity or selling it! You can only try to have a conversation. That doesn't guarantee she will listen but nothing should stop you from taking the action you need. If she isn't willing to understand, then you can sell or give away everything she buys.
The alternative is to tell her you started a child savings account for your DS and how about putting money there for his education instead of buying more and more stuff that he is going to grow out of soon. I know it sounds like a terrible thing to ask but it's better than her wasting money on things your DS may never wear or use!
Her heart is in the right place bless her, I think she is trying to make up for not seeing ds a lot but I have tried to explain that doesn't make her any less of a GP, just unfortunately she doesn't drive and I don't drive so we only see her when Dh has a rare day off.
She also bought me and Dh LOADS for Xmas, but again, mainly clothes that don't fit, and bags I wouldn't use and it just took so long to find places to put things lol. I felt embarrassed cus we only bought her a box of biscuits and a bath set, and I honestly thought she would only buy for ds.
It was honestly an overwhelming amount of stuff, it probs sounds like I'm exaggerating but there was just no need for it all.
My parents bought ds one toy and one outfit. Far less stressful lol.
His bday is in April and I will be stressing to everyone please not to buy him anything, he got far to much at Xmas but I know I will be ignored lol
Have you or your partner spoken to her about it directly? I think he (preferably, not you!) needs to tell her clearly that whilst you appreciate the thought, a tiny baby doesn't need half the stuff you are giving him and you will have to start refusing such gifts in the future for practical reasons.
What a terrible waste of money. Your DH needs to have a word. Buying crap to clutter up your flat is really irritating. And also stop sending her pics of wearing all these clothes! There is no need.
If you'd genuinely like to see more of her but can't because of transport reasons, why not suggest she puts money on a travel card or similar, so you can visit for the day during the week when DH is not around? (If that's an option with transport links where you are, I mean!)
tigger if I don't post pics she hounds me for ages asking for me to to take some.
She always moans that I don't send her pics of him wearing the clothes but she seems to think I sit at home all day, I am a SAHP at the minute, but I am always busy!
right now I am on mumsnet and having a cheeky gin since ds is at his grandpas but that's not the point!
Sometimes it's quite suffocating.
She kept moaning at me for not having a Xmas tree up until Xmas Eve and how it was ds first Xmas we MUST have a tree. I just simply was too tired this year to make a huge fuss about Xmas, I've been battling PND and I just wanted a quite no fuss Xmas. Next year ds will understand more and I will make more of an effort with decorations etc, but she just kept going on and on about it- drove me mad!
I know fr a fact he will never wear half the stuff she has bought him.
Her and my dm are also OBSESSED with knitting him cardigans lol I have drawers just full of cardigans.
Clutter makes me itch tbh like it properly bugs me in an ocd "I wanna have a right good clear out type of way!" Haha
Take a photo of the table and chair showing how it leaves no room in your sitting room.
Why do you store adult clothes that don't fit? Surely all you can do with those is send them to a charity shop?
If there is no way that you can get her to visit so that she can see how tight on space you are, I would pack your flat full-to-bursting with all the crap she has bought (agreed she is v sweet and her heart is in the right place and all that but we have to be sensible here!!). Then take a long video, walking around the flat with shots panning around all the rooms showing her that its just not feasible to keep giving you all this stuff!! Esp this table and chairs set - its a lovely idea but your ds is 7 months ffs!! Then ask her very nicely to please curtail the buying!
Christmas tree goes up Christmas eve and down 12th night (or sooner) - solves the tree issue.
Sort through what she gives you and decide what your DS will wear and pass on the rest.
Any toys that are not age appropriate should be given back to MIL by your DH until your DS is old enough to play with them. If she won't accept that then he needs to tell her you do not have the space for them and she needs to return them to the shop for a refund and you will put the money away to purchase the toys again when your DS is old enough for them.
Gifts are all well and good but once received you get to choose what to do with them. I am not a fan of smellies and they are always regifted to a friend who loves them.
Gruntled we put them away then when we tried stuff on later realised most of it doesn't fit lol. So it will be getting ditched.
I agree withCora but places always look bigger in pix. your dh needs to bring her to your flat and SHOW her exactly how little room you've got.
Ypu have to tell her what to buy for DCs birthday. I live in a 3bed house and still have a space problem so I now do a list of things mostly small and I say something like 'DC really loves this a nursery' etc etc to smooth it over.
Be ruthless with the clothes as well. DC needs THIS item but not THAT. Sell or give away anything you dont want.
My DM is a pain for buying annoying knik knacks so I keep a couple out for when she visits and the rest go to charity.
Fortunately my DH put the MIL off buying clothes when he annouced 'urgh I dont like that' when she produced a dress she bought in the sales once. I have also left clothes my DM bought DD at her house saying I odnt think DD will look good in them so could she please return to store.
They dont buy anything clothing wise now and send me knitting patterns and wool colours for approval. Result!
Has she actually visited your flat and seen how there is not much space for stuff like that? Surely she must realise that she is creating a problem? I don't get it. It's all very well wanting to be kind and generous and feeling proud of your grandchild but she needs to get a grip and maybe ask what she can contribute that would be useful!
Ask her to open an account for him and put money in that. My FIL did this for mine and it was wonderful for them when they got the money at 18.
Squish it up hard against your sofa, and anything else you have to hand, take another picture and send it to her.
Then take the bloody thing back to your dad's (and if he accidentally tidies it into a charity shop, frankly, you need not care).
And then get her son to have a loud word with her. He needs to tell her that he needs her to stop, his home is full and his child has more than enough thanks. We know you love him and we love you... just stop!
And both of you tell your mums to stop knitting, you will make requests as and when
eBay it. Put the money in a bank account. Fund his university education / first car / first home with it. Don't tell MIL.
"Fortunately my DH put the MIL off buying clothes when he annouced 'urgh I dont like that' when she produced a dress she bought in the sales once. I have also left clothes my DM bought DD at her house saying I odnt think DD will look good in them so could she please return to store."
That's just rudeness really.
You seem very concerned about pleasing her, doing what she wants - and yet she's not making any effort to reciprocate, is she? She's satisfying her shopping habit with no thought for you or your ds.
The "cheeky and rude" part sounds as though she doesn't really see you as an adult?
Give away everything you don't need. If she actually talks to you about things, tell her you don't have space to keep things you're not using, and please would she buy less. If she just sends messages, you can ignore those can't you?
And as for "what's the point in me buying xxx" - well, the point of buying someone a gift is that, once given, the item belongs to the recipient who may do what they like with it.
You sound like you're on good terms. Why not have an agreement, I've got one with my DB where by we only buy for the children. I check with him what nephew hasn't got or needs and he checks with me. Saves money at xmas and the little ones get something they'll like that won't drive us round the bend.
Maybe suggest she open an account for ds due to limited space in the flat.
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