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To ask if you have managed to un-Velcro a Velcro baby?

(20 Posts)
pandarific Wed 06-Jan-16 09:19:48

I'm hoping to have children in the next year or two but the concept of a Velcro baby has me a bit scared.

I anticipate the baby stage will be hard for me anyway because (as opposed to OH) I'm awful on no sleep, and as opposed to an older child can see it not feeling very rewarding caring 24/7 for someone you can't really communicate with - but who knows, it may be fine!

Could I ask anyone who has had a baby who cried constantly/wanted always to be held etc for the strategies you worked out to manage it? How did you deal with nursery etc?

molyholy Wed 06-Jan-16 09:29:20

I wouldn't be worrying about this. You aren't even pregnant yet! You are anticipating that you are going to have a 'clingy' baby and worrying about nursery!! Do you suffer with anxiety issues in your general life?

Jibberjabberjooo Wed 06-Jan-16 09:36:30

I think it's a really odd thing to worry about when you're not even trying to have children yet. hmm

LidikaLikes Wed 06-Jan-16 09:39:03

Take it one step at a time, OP. You aren't even pregnant yet! That in itself might take ages to achieve.

Having a 'velcro baby can be hard (I had two of them who didn't leave my side or my boobs until they were 2 years of age). But God gave us a great ability to form attachments with other humans, and as a mum you will have a biological and psychological bond with them that makes it important to you to keep them close, some of the time at least!

My biggest advice is to make sure your DP is decent with doing housework, cooking, his fair share of everything, and try to have good support networks in place from family/friends.

Birdsgottafly Wed 06-Jan-16 09:46:19

I've known plenty of Women who had your concerns and planned on taking the shortest ML leave they could (for non financial reasons) and they've had a complete turn around when the baby is here.

My GD is just over 1 and whilst it's lovely that she's making her milestones, my DD is mourning the loss of her "baby".

They all go through a clingy stage.

If it's a Velcro baby issue, then a sling is a possible solution.

But there aren't always answers, you've just got to get on with it and make the adjustments.

Birdsgottafly Wed 06-Jan-16 09:48:20

""think it's a really odd thing to worry about when you're not even trying to have children yet. ""

I think these issues should be thought about before you even try, nationally there'd be a better standard of parenting, if they were.

to0thypeg Wed 06-Jan-16 09:52:06

Both mine were total Velcro. But then, as most babies do, they wanted to crawl and then walk. Unless the have a child with SNs, velcroness is inherently time limited.

(And yes I very much understand this as a preTTC worry. I was researching potty training methods alongside pregnancy tests)

knobblyknee Wed 06-Jan-16 09:57:14

Nursery were really helpful, they let me go in and sit, then gradually move back and leave. It took weeksandweeksandweeks.
and I didnt sleep properly for nearly 3 years. Sorry, you probably didnt want to hear that.
Then a friend offered to babysit so I could have a lie in on a Sunday morning when he was 3 and he broke his leg and was in traction for a month, its all a bit of a blur. But he liked the hospital and that plus nursery helped him unstick. I'm ok now. He's 26 and moved on.

It cant be worse than that. And you just muddle through it.

Jibberjabberjooo Wed 06-Jan-16 09:59:55

But if you have a Velcro baby, you have a Velcro baby. My first was, he had reflux and a milk allergy and cried a lot, it was exhausting and stressful. My second was the opposite.

I don't think having a Velcro baby reflects on anyone standard or parenting, there are some things that are behind your control and is ultimately just a phase. A time consuming, shattering phase which at the time is the end of the world but a phase none the less. And then it's the next thing.

You can't predict anything, you just try and do the best you can at the time. Babies don't follow books.

Queazy Wed 06-Jan-16 10:00:23

I worried about this too. Please don't consider a 'velcro' baby unusual - the concept of the 4th trimester suggests all babies should be like this for at least the first 12 weeks.

My ds is a week old now and slept in his Moses basket in-between feeds overnight and will sleep in a bouncer in the day if needed.

My dd had bad reflux and pretty much slept on me for 6 months night and day. It was hard-going but in the grand scheme of things it's a relatively short period of time. I'd love to have that amount of cuddles now she's a live wire 2yo!!

It's sensible to think about it but don't get a relatively short period of time ( in the bigger picture) put you off having kids. I'm not a 'baby person' but got through it.

molyholy Wed 06-Jan-16 10:00:41

I think these issues should be thought about before you even try, nationally there'd be a better standard of parenting, if they were

How do you know what type of parent you will be when you have a baby? You can't know until it is here. You may have a vision on what you want it to be like. But worrying about a baby that has not been conceived yet, being clingy and what will happen when said 'velcro' baby attends nursery, asking others their coping strategies for clingy babies, is slightly OTT imho.

jan2016 Wed 06-Jan-16 10:05:14

Some strategies:

With lack of sleep:
1) If you have dp work with your body clocks- have times when you will sleep in and times when they will rest e.g. if they are morning person you look after baby in the evening but hand over to them in "the morning" (e,g 5am) while you get some rest. If you bf you could let them rest overnight and they can deal with evenings/mornings. IF bottle feeding can take turns

2) Have a rest when baby sleeps during the day

3) When the baby is awake play with it, talk to it, go out (Go to mother and baby groups -children's centres (if they will still be in existence), baby music, baby gym, baby massage, baby swimming. church groups are very friendly and cheaper, So you can talk about issues and see baby as an asset rather than a drag), let it watch what you are up to so it gets tired and will need to sleep

4) Try putting for a nap before it gets overtired

5) If you are able to allow it to cry rather then soothe completely off to sleep you will be able to get more done and have more time/be more awake to interact with baby during waking times (but I know other people think crying should be avoided so its up to you)

6) If you can avoid going back to work too soon its easier to have naps during the day or just be a bit tired generally

7) bottle fed babies tend to sleep through the night on average sooner as they are fuller as have to work/suck less than bf (but then this may have other disadvantages)

8) when older have an early dinner e.g. 5pm so that baby eats before getting overtired and clingy.

Velcro babies
Actually going to work is quite good for this as they realise that you will come back and you have a break. Some leisure centres have nurseries that you can put a child in while you swim etc for an hour.

Often Velcro does not develop for first few months while they work out who is who but first three months some have colic (tummy ache) and want to be held all evening and still grizzle. If held by bf mum will want to feed all evening which can make them worse so perhaps invest in help of dp/grandparents/understanding friends for this time. Holding upright rather than lying down can help.

SaucyJack Wed 06-Jan-16 10:11:04

I don't know if you can un-Velcro a Velcro baby- or even if you should tbh. It's just the way some babies are tbh.

But it does pass- even if it doesn't feel like it at the time. Ours is now still a bit whingey with other people, but you'd never guess the horror we went through in the first year or so when she's just pottering around the lounge with her toys.

pandarific Wed 06-Jan-16 10:24:42

Thanks all! Im willing to be told I'm being OTT! I'm a researcher by nature - somewhat annoying but when I'm scared of something (and I am scared of becoming a parent - the permanence of it, the vulnerability) i tend to research the shit out of the bits I'm scared of , and then I feel at least a bit better equipped!

Raxacoricofallapatorius Wed 06-Jan-16 10:34:29

What is it which worries you? What is it about a Velcro baby that has you panicking? Is it loss of me time? Sleep? Effect on career?

I will be totally honest with you; the Velcro goes both ways. And it's harder when they've grown wings and moved off to independence. Even when they're well, happy, cared for and safe, you never turn off the low level hum of concern. It's the hardest thing about parenting imo. It's never just you. You never switch off.

It's impossible to feel it until you're doing it but if you worry about that symbiotic type of relationship, I do think it's wise to consider it before having babies.

My Velcro baby is a Velcro 4yr old btw. I don't mind. I love him. He just needs that kind of nurture. You just do it. Some days better than others.

Shetland Wed 06-Jan-16 10:35:12

I approached my first by assuming the first 6 months would be hell - I didn't commit to anything in that period before she arrived and just generally expected the worst.
And turns out it wasnt that bad ;)
Possibly a good approach if you're a worrier (like me) as worst case senario is it's as bad as you expected.
Sleepless nights are hell, there's no other word, but you do cope because you have to. Best advice there is to make sure DP/DH is on board and you can escape to bed when needed.

I think worrying about this sort of thing before you even ttc is no bad thing. Maybe more people should do it.

chillthefXXkout Wed 06-Jan-16 11:43:01

pandarific your post is so reassuring! I am currently TTC and have the same concerns as you, I also research everything in advance so I am fully prepared! I am scared shitless about the whole thing and expecting the first few months to be awful, but biology/nature will also take over and instinctively we will work out what to do (hopefully).

Waffles80 Wed 06-Jan-16 12:03:42

Er...*Jan2016*:

bottle fed babies tend to sleep through the night on average sooner as they are fuller as have to work/suck less than bf (but then this may have other disadvantages)

Complete nonsense.

That aside, OP you don't sound too keen. Babies are amazingly hard work, take over your life, and you can't give them back. Unless you fancy the above, I wouldn't bother! wink 19 months in with non-sleeping twins, one of whom is a complete Velcro-toddler.

BeStrongAndCourageous Wed 06-Jan-16 12:10:17

My Velcro baby is now an uber-confident 4 year old. Nothing phases her. Ran off to nursery without a backward glance, and when they went back yesterday to find their third change of teacher in a term (hmm), she marched up to her, introduced herself and ran off to play, before any of her classmates had even come out from behind their mums' legs.

I think if you give them that closeness when they need it - and as babies they do need it - they will have more confidence to be independent when they're older.

lostInTheWash Wed 06-Jan-16 12:23:01

pfb was a velcro baby - right from word go if she wasn't being held by me she was screaming. Took months for DH to be an acceptable alternative.

It was a shock and it was hard but it became the new norm. I was completely surprised we ended up co-sleeping. I think when we accepted situation found I was doing most things one handed - a vibrating bouncy chair and a sling improved matters.

When she could crawl and walk she was fine with me just being around. At 2.5 started play group with no issues. She is the most confident of our DC - one of who could be handed to anyone as a baby is now very shy - other was slightly more Velcroy is in the middle confidence and shyness wise.

It was good training for later having baby and toddlers - I automatically carried my babies round a lot. When we went out to groups - which I did a lot to save my sanity - younger DC weren't left in car seats or mats or bouncy chairs - they were in my arms following older DC around or watching while did an activity with older ones. I'd do tidying up at groups thing with baby in one arm and hip and another toddler at my feet - and people would express surprise and I'd be like confused. Though it did take years to get to point of having a wee in peace.

I think the hardest thing was GP attitude as they blamed me - though suspect they would have always found fault. Both set of GP insisting if I went else where pfb would accept them and them being shocked how persistent she was or blaming us because we couldn't stand it and intervened and gave her to me and got instant silence. I think they had long term concerns biased on spoiling baby ideas.

I think even non velcro babies go through phases of wanting a parent round.

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