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To be a little bit miffed he didn't discuss this with me first?

(69 Posts)
Bocolatechiscuit Tue 05-Jan-16 17:46:34

Hi all,

I'm prepared to admit I'm BU here if the general consensus is that I am...

My partner of 3 years sent me a text at work to say his boss has asked him to take on a new role at work which means a pay rise of approx £200 per month but also with it longer hours. He already has a longish commute which can take him 2 hours in bad traffic so this will impact on time together as a family as well as costing approx £80 per month extra on childcare and transport as he will no longer be able to collect me/ds as he does currently.
He's really pleased and sees it as a vote of confidence from his boss that they offered him this, is pleased with the money which of course I am too. The slight problem I have is that he just accepted there and then without any discussion with me as to how it will impact us etc. When he sent the text I thought he meant we'd discuss it tonight because he worded it as 'my boss has asked me...' I asked just now has he accepted it and he said 'of course'.

So sick it to me...AIBU? Should he have discussed this and the implications etc with me first before accepting (we still now haven't had chance to talk about anything regarding it or the fact that it will cost us more in childcare etc as he is out with his son) or am I being a misery?

Bocolatechiscuit Tue 05-Jan-16 17:47:04

I meant SOCK it to me, of course! grin

Asskicker Tue 05-Jan-16 17:49:36

He should have discussed it with your first imo. And worked out wether the extra money was worth it.

Personally though I would have supported dh in this. As he would me.

QuiteLikely5 Tue 05-Jan-16 17:52:22

I don't think it's right that, if you are offered a promotion that you tell your boss that you can't accept it in case your other half doesn't agree.

In theory it doesn't sound bad but in the actual moment I think the boss would see that response as a negative one

WickedWax Tue 05-Jan-16 17:57:02

Of course you don't say "I can't accept it in case my other half doesn't agree" hmm

but it's perfectly reasonable to say "sounds like a great opportunity, I'll have to talk it over with Bocolate tonight as it does impact on our childcare and transport arrangements, I'll get back to you tomorrow if that's ok".

RealityCheque Tue 05-Jan-16 17:57:32

Quitelikely, you are correct. IF the boss is a wanker.

How many extra hours, OP? Because frankly if its more than a couple a week then his hourlr rate will probably be going DOWN. (Depending on current salary ofc).

RealityCheque Tue 05-Jan-16 17:58:49

Exactly what wickedwax said. (Except the last three words).

BlueJug Tue 05-Jan-16 17:58:55

Ideally, yes, but I'd expect him to take it and would support him in it. I would also take a decision about my own career without expecting approval or otherwise - but I am probably in the minority.

Bocolatechiscuit Tue 05-Jan-16 17:59:35

Thanks for the input so far. It's an extra hour per day.

RealityCheque Tue 05-Jan-16 18:01:31

That's fine bluejug if it only affects you. When it affects current travel arrangements, childcare costs, and time at home for less then £30 extra a week then fuck that.

RealityCheque Tue 05-Jan-16 18:04:02

So that's approx 20 extra hours a month. So about £10 per hour. If he currently earns more than this then his hourly rate has gone down.

Factor in the extra childcare costs and its practically a minimum wage increase.

Saxons Tue 05-Jan-16 18:04:20

He should have said 'yes I'd like to accept and will confirm tomorrow'

jackstini Tue 05-Jan-16 18:10:18

Does the extra hour mean traffic will be better or worse?

Bocolatechiscuit Tue 05-Jan-16 18:12:10

Good question about traffic-he currently finishes at 4:30 (often not leaving till 5)and will now finish at 5:30 so potentially worse!

Dipankrispaneven Tue 05-Jan-16 18:18:09

If he normally leaves at 5 I doubt that he is any worse off at 5.30. But can he juggle his hours at all so that he misses the worst traffic?

Bocolatechiscuit Tue 05-Jan-16 18:21:53

I don't think so Dip (good username btw!) He said his hours will be 8-5:30 so it sounds pretty set in stone.

Bakeoffcake Tue 05-Jan-16 18:24:53


He'll probably pay tax and NI on the extra £200, so that plus the £80 extra childcare won't leave very much at all. sad

littleleftie Tue 05-Jan-16 18:25:19

So if he finishes at 5 and will be leaving at 5.30 that is only 30 mins extra? In fact, he will be paid for the extra work he has been doing unpaid, is that correct OP?

I think YAB a little bit U as the employment market is bloody tough. DH is happy and excited and it would be nice if you could share his pleasure.

Why does he have to pick you up? Could you afford another car with the extra money? Try to focus on the positives grin

BathtimeFunkster Tue 05-Jan-16 18:31:25

I wouldn't see an offer of working 250 extra hours for an extra thousand pounds as much of a vote of confidence.

TBH if I was offered a deal like that I would be very clear that my boss thought I was a complete idiot.

He has just accepted a crap offer way too quickly and now your family will be worse off.

What a plonker.

Asskicker Tue 05-Jan-16 18:32:41

Sometimes promotions aren't just about the money though.

BathtimeFunkster Tue 05-Jan-16 18:34:29

Promotions are always about money. Just like jobs are about money.

If someone isn't prepared to pay you for your work, then working for them just confirms that your work is of no value.

AliMonkey Tue 05-Jan-16 18:35:27

I would be very unhappy if DH accepted such a role without discussing. He is currently considering changing jobs and I have told him that I would not be happy if he took a role that meant more time away from home and definitely would not support him getting a role that meant he couldn't do the one drop off (to breakfast club) and one pick up (from after school club) that he does each week, given I already cover everything else. But we are lucky enough to be in a position where we could happily get by with less money so I'd love it if he went part time instead!

Bocolatechiscuit Tue 05-Jan-16 18:38:54

Thanks again-I'm taking all your replies in. Funkster, I can't manage to get your figures to work out-could you explain your maths please, it never was my strong point grin

icklekid Tue 05-Jan-16 18:39:00

I think asskicker means he might enjoy the new job opportunity regardless of the money. I would happily support my dh doing a job he preferred even if it means a slight pay cut if we could afford it.

Asskicker Tue 05-Jan-16 18:39:53

Promotions are always about money. Just like jobs are about money.

I disagree. Circumstances, like childcare, may mean with this promotion there isn't much difference to household income.

But puts you in a better position for the next step up, more experience.

Employment is sometimes a long game.

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