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Why do people think you must talk to your neighbors

(25 Posts)
katiekid Tue 05-Jan-16 13:18:45

since when did living near someone mean you MUST talk to them?
they are no different to some random person in the street, you just live near them.

Background of my thread is, i live in a council property, as soon as i moved in i had the two males who live below and above constantly knocking on my door to find "info" on me, they were very nosey, im a private person and it was constantly, one in particular when i ignored the door he would say "for fuck sake" the way this one knocked it seemed he felt i MUST open the door for him, he would knock about 10 times plus ring my door bell 3 times in a row. This random man i dont know from anywhere, my own family dont knock on my door like this.
The other man was a knock and go away but he was a knock everyday.

I felt they were trying to not only find information about me but also to state a dominance.
The one who knocked on my door over 10 times also use to tell his guest to use my doorbell as his didnt work.

I complained to the council regarding this as im also a woman who had to leave my martial home and go into a refuge due to domestic violence, this is how i got a council property. The council know this however they seem to believe im "unreasonable" for not wanting to talk to my neighbors.

I have stated they havent made the best impression on me, they are clearly nosey and im private and they lack boundary issues and based on this i do not want either to ever disturb me again.

what do you think? why must people speak with neighbors?
I am not someone to ever ask anything from anyone, i work myself and got everything myself, i do not need anyones help and im from a large family so if i did i would seek them not some stranger.

figureofspeech Tue 05-Jan-16 13:25:27

You need to tell the council that you feel intimidated and threatened in your own home as a lone woman. Maybe tell them that you will call the police on 101 none emergency the next time they do it. You don't know these men and what their intentions are etc.

Or the easiest way to get rid is to open the door and scream fuck off?!

Also perhaps your reluctance to engage in social chit chat is making them more interested in you?

goodnightdarthvader1 Tue 05-Jan-16 13:27:35

Well, I'm very antisocial but I find it's a good idea to at least be civil with your neighbours (until they piss me off, anyway). However, if these guys were knocking on your door every 5 mins just to have a chat (eg extract info), I'd find it nosy and intimidating, especially as a woman living alone.

WorraLiberty Tue 05-Jan-16 13:29:32

Well it's all a bit weird really isn't it? confused

I'd have to answer the door just to find out why everyone was knocking and banging, as I'd probably assume there was a specific/important reason.

M48294Y Tue 05-Jan-16 13:30:02

This is confusing. Do you know why they are knocking on your door? You do need to answer the door to your neighbours if you are causing them a disturbance or there is some other issue, such as a leak into the flat below.

It is pretty socially inept to avoid any contact at all with your neighbours.

Are you hoping the council will re-house you in a detached house somewhere?

liz70 Tue 05-Jan-16 13:33:23

As you say, this is harrassment and intimidation, not neighbourly behaviour at all. Knocking and running away is what I'd expect from neds "having a laugh", not grown men. Can you fix a chain to your door? If either trying calling again, give them a curt "What do you want?", and when it transpires that (as usual) they have no business with you, shut the door in their face. Don't be afraid to be rude, because that's what they're doing to you. And that cheeky fucker has no right to tell his callers to use your bell.

If you cntinue to get trouble, perhaps you could contact a PCSO to explain your concerns - hopefully they would have a word.

jazzingaround Tue 05-Jan-16 13:34:10

That's not just normal neighbourly friendship, that's intrusive and unacceptable.

Re your thread title however, I think it would be a sad world if people didn't exchange a few words with their neighbours, become friendly over time or even socialise together if they got on really well.

I hate the way more and more people don't even know their neighbours any more.

liz70 Tue 05-Jan-16 13:37:13

Sorry, I misunderstood the knock and go away part in your OP. But either way, if you feel uncomfortable with this - and it doesn't sound paticularly friendly to me - contact someone who can help. Good neighbours don't behave like this.

Arfarfanarf Tue 05-Jan-16 13:37:34

Talking to your neighbours is saying hello and what a nice day if you pass them in the street.

Continually knocking and ringing several times a day, wanting to know your private business and being angry at you for not complying is nothing to do with neighbourly chats. It is unacceptable.

I would complain to the landlord and ask to be moved. see if you can join one of those housing swap sites perhaps?

I would feel harrassed if someone was knocking on my door several times every day and demanding chapter and verse on my life. It's not acceptable behaviour. It's nothing to do with neighbourliness.

LiviaDrusillaAugusta Tue 05-Jan-16 14:09:16

jazzing Why do you hate it? It's nice if you want to be friends with neighbours and they do too, but hate seems a bit strong for something that does affect you.

Some people like privacy and some don't, surely? I live downstairs from another flat and wouldn't know my neighbours on sight although I did call the police on one of them when he was knocking his girlfriend around

LiviaDrusillaAugusta Tue 05-Jan-16 14:09:48

Aargh - DOESN'T affect you blush

HortonWho Tue 05-Jan-16 15:20:48

Put a note on your door about no knocking and only ring once (children sleeping). If he continues, then I'd answer just once with my phone recording the conversation (or someone on phone doing a video) and point to sign and ask him why he is ignoring a polite request, etc. Then depending on what he said, if he was apologetic or just didn't see it as a big deal, tell a lie about a deranged old woman who you lived next to, who harassed you so much with banging on your front door day and night that the police got involved and the council rehomed you. Then he's got silly gossip to tell to others that you're a bit funny about people knocking on your door.

LurkingHusband Tue 05-Jan-16 15:22:56

There's an old saying that we make our friends, we make our enemies, but God makes our next door neighbours ...

hiddenhome2 Tue 05-Jan-16 15:31:42

Give them lots of false information which hints at a dark and dangerous past wink

katiekid Tue 05-Jan-16 15:48:12

they were knocking on my door for irrelevant reasons like "i thought you may need a ladder" "do you want a cup of tea" then i say no thank you and they will move the conversation onto "oh so how old are you" "where are you from" "what do you work as" "how old is your child"

I do talk to my next door neighbors and across the road, just like hello, how are you ect but they never ask me any personal questions, only these two.

katiekid Tue 05-Jan-16 15:50:30

i dont want to be rehoused, i actually do like this flat and have spent around 5k on new flooring and re tiling of the bathroom, new basin, new toilet and im going to buy a new kitchen.
My intention isnt to move.

jimijack Tue 05-Jan-16 15:55:20

I agree that you should not have to talk to neighbours.
Bad experience means that I have nothing to do with mine.

I feel guilty as my neighbour is elderly and now frail but she has been a domineering, overbearing, opinionated nosey rude woman who has accused us of all sorts, proven wrong on each occasion, so I cannot feel warmth towards her.

Avoid avoid avoid.

HortonWho Tue 05-Jan-16 16:01:44

To be honest, I don't think those questions are particularly intrusive at all! I'd call them conversation starters, really.

How old are you?
-hey, you look old enough yourself to know you don't ask women who look over 20 that question, haha. Or -60. Don't I look great for my age?

-where are you from?

Oh I'm local, just moved from a couple of miles down the road.. What about you, been here long? Any good curries about? / has the neighbourhood changed a lot since? / so many ways to turn it into a conversation about the neighbourhood and tips.

If you keep giving one word answers, he keeps asking more questions to try to get a conversation started with you. Kids' age ? Common topic?

Ragwort Tue 05-Jan-16 16:01:45

Your neighbour does sound very odd & intrusive.

However, in general terms I always try to get on with my neighbours, we have moved a lot so don't have a local network of family and friends. I have been lucky though and (nearly) always had very pleasant neighours. We help each other out - childcare, shopping, DH mows the lawn for a couple of elderly ladies, some of our neighbours are disabled and we've been called to help in emergencies - I don't mind at all as I have had a couple of emergencies (locked myself out of the house/burst water pipe) when I have needed to ask for help.

KinkyAfro Tue 05-Jan-16 16:10:29

It's fair enoughto ask you those questions if you were passing in the street or in the hallway but to knock on your door specifically to ask is a bit weird and I also would find it intrusive.

Next time open your door and tell them you'd appreciate them not knocking on your door unless it's important, if they carry on tell them you will report it.

My next door neighbour doesn't speak to me since I complained to the letting agents that she was blasting music out every night into the early hours. Asking her politely didn't work so I thought going to the letting agents might work and it did. Was quite amusing when she muttered 'bitch' not quite under her breath the next time she saw me grin

goodnightdarthvader1 Tue 05-Jan-16 16:12:48

Why would you need a ladder?

I think firm words about how if you want to chat, you'll stop by to see them, thank you very much, are in order, and if it keeps up, log it with 101.

goodnightdarthvader1 Tue 05-Jan-16 16:13:27

Kinky with good advice, as usual

Atenco Wed 06-Jan-16 03:18:19

No man is an island, OP. These neighbours sound somewhat OTT, and we all have had awful neighbours, but it helps our survival if we can get on well with neighbours.

I have a young man next door who for the last few since he hit his late teens goes through periods of giving riotous parties that drive everyone up the wall. But he still has done me a couple of invaluable favours that make me glad that I haven't acted on any of the nasty ideas for revenge that have crossed my mind at times

BlueSmarties76 Wed 06-Jan-16 05:03:05

One of them says "ffs" when you don't answer!? Crazy. Totally unacceptable! I'd ask them not to knock at the time!

I don't understand why you're buying new flooring & kitchen for a (presumably rented?) council property?

MsJamieFraser Wed 06-Jan-16 07:39:28

I hope you have had permission to do those things to the property also, they can force you to remove them, as the house isn't yours its the councils.

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