A wedding one for you...

[Ninkynonkrinkydonk]

Aibu to think BIL and future SIL are a couple of arseholes?

Dp and I have been planning our wedding since last year. We decided to elope and have a big dinner and party when we get back. All family are supportive of this and happy for us. Bil and Sil were often part of discussions about this too. They're both also planning their wedding, they decided to have a family wedding in Italy in August.

Yesterday we actually booked our wedding and party. Exciting day, we can't wait. We have only told a few people, BIL being one of them.

The same day after we told him, BIL says he wants to book the same venue we are booking for the party. I was a bit miffed, but it's not an actual wedding we are having there so I can't get too precious can I? Also I guess he's changed his mind on Italy then.

But then this morning, he called dp and told him he's now going to get married THE WEEK FUCKING BEFORE WE DO! The week before!

So who ibu? Can I get precious over a wedding when we aren't having guests? We've always planned on May, it's when we got engaged. I'm so mad.

[Tiggeryoubastard]

You're not even having people at your wedding. Why does it matter?

[TheMasterMurderedMargarita]

He's a dick.
But I guess they can choose to do what they want.
Do not give them any other info about your wedding/party or I bet they will copy that too.

[goldglitter]

urgh. they should of booked their wedding if they were so uptight about it.

don't tell them anything else.

[catfordbetty]

We decided to elope

Doesn't that mean you don't tell anyone until you've done it?

[gabsdot45]

I thought eloping means you don't tell anyone.

[redjoker]

Hmm I dont think you should be feeling so outraged, no guests etc etc- but i would totally feel the same. Not much you can say or do as I dont see that technically theres anything wrong with it but not sure why they are so keen on doing so close and a same venue. Are they in some sort of massive rush?

seems odd to me; can understand your annoyance. Has your OH said anything on how he sees it?

[MidniteScribbler]

You need to get some mileage out of this.

First of all, book somewhere else that you like. Meanwhile, tell BIL and SIL about the amazing venue that you booked (pick way out, awful venue somewhere). Talk about the special designer dress from x designer (Big Fat Gypsy Wedding type designer). Naturally you only want purple roses (or something hard to find and out of season). Don't forget the mariachi band that will serenade your guests.

Oh, you could have SOOOO much fun!

[FredaMayor]

I think its bizarre, thoughtless and bad form. Do you think BIL and SIL have some reason for effectively gazumping you on your venue? Resentment at you and DP not having a wedding ceremony they can attend so effectively yours doesn't matter to them?

I would be furious too. YADNBU.

[Ninkynonkrinkydonk]

The reason we aren't having anyone there is because we recently lost a close member of the family and their absence would be felt too much if everyone else was there. Not that that makes much diff. The family all know and support us in going away to do it.

I'm annoyed cos it feels spiteful.

[Seeyounearertime]

Sounds like petty one upmanship to me.
The question is not should you be mad but do you want to play their game?

But eloping is supposed to be secret? You can't have a massive party celebrating the fact you didn't want anyone at your wedding, seems odd,
"Yeah we'll have a drink and food with you, but we don't want you at our wedding so we're going to Gretna"

[FredaMayor]

BTW, I think the term eloping is now being used in the wedding planning world to mean a private wedding with witnesses only.

[Ninkynonkrinkydonk]

midnite I like how you think!

[EponasWildDaughter]

So he's using the venue to for his actual wedding the week before you go off to get married (where ever that will be.) Maybe he assumed that because you're just having a family party at this venue at a point later on that you wouldn't be too 'precious' about it?

Eloping is indeed getting married without telling anyone.

[Birdsgottafly]

Have they priced Italy in August and decided that it's too expensive, not only for them or those attending?

What is your MIL saying about this, or wider family, perhaps she is secretly a bit upset at your eloping and their doing this to cheer her up?

Or she's just found out she's pregnant?

You're eloping, you haven't got the right to dictate a family members Wedding plans, or venue.

I know lots of families that use the same venue for family parties (which is what yours is) and big events.

[NeuNewNouveau]

So you are getting married in X and having a party at y venue on your return on say the last Saturday in May. And BIL has just booked their wedding at the same venue the week before your party so many guests will be going there two weeks in a row?
I think that is pretty thoughtless of BIL and most people would not do that. I know it is not your actual wedding but it is rather inconsiderate.

[Jessbow]

I don't really understand why you are upset to be honest.

You want to disappear and have a quiet wedding, then at some point have a big party.( a yet unbooked on a date unspecified? )

They have done the conventional thing, booked it up and you are upset?

How are they supposed to work around you , even if they need to, when all your plans are either 'exclusive to you' or not concrete?

[Whoknewitcouldbeso]

I think it shows a total lack of imagination on BILs part. Is your DH pissed off? Is everything booked and paid for with no
hope of a refund? The thing that is particularly grating is that it will look as though you were the ones with no imagination as your wedding is now after theirs and I assume the photos will look similar in terms of architecture and scenery.

I really am little miss laid bs k but this would have totally fucked me off in your position.

[Ninkynonkrinkydonk]

I won't use the term eloping then. I mean "getting married with no guests because we tragically lost a close family member very recently and we don't want to notice their absence too much on the day". Rolls off the tongue

[OTheHugeManatee]

Your BIL is being thoughtless and selfish. Your H2B should give him a call and explain that it's really unfair on all the guests likely to attend both events if you ask them to travel to events two weeks in a row, and would he consider adjusting his date a bit as you've already booked and if he goes ahead with this date. you're concerned people won't be able to make the time/afford the travel etc/give up two weekends in a row. And after all seeing as you're family can he help you work it out so all your extended family can celebrate both your weddings?

[Grapejuicerocks]

Nope not on. Guests aren't going to want to go to the same place, with a lot of the same people two weeks running. I'd be fuming.

[Nanny0gg]

Is this your DH brother?

I take it they're not close?

[SoupDragon]

Your BIL, or his fiancée, is an arse. Or both of them are.

They've knowingly changed their date and venue to match the OP's.

Nit picking over what "eloping" means is completely irrelevant.

[SoupDragon]

How are they supposed to work around you , even if they need to, when all your plans are either 'exclusive to you' or not concrete?

I imagine that the fact they told the BIL the date and venue might have given it away.

[Helmetbymidnight]

They sound like right nasty gits.

[PurpleWithRed]

I'd be fuming too. You're going to have to find somewhere else, or do it at a different time, if you're asking the same people to your party.