To be fed up with lack of intimacy

[Imstickingwiththisone]

Been with DP since I was 17 and he's been my only partner. He's not very tactile and so I'm not because unnecessary touching wasn't well received. Its never been a massive deal for me I got used to it. We always sit separate, no kissing or cuddles or anything like that of an evening.

If I try to initiate sex it's always rejected. I don't bring it up because when I have done I'm told I'm turning it into a big deal and it'll exacerbate the issue. It's a long time since I've brought it up, again I just get on with it and wait til he finally initiates it.

At the moment this is very rare because he sleeps in the spare room. He's a bad sleeper so needs perfect conditions to get a decent sleep.

We have the same sense of humour and I don't mind us being a bit straight talking no nonsense with each other. I do that with friends though and I'm not reliant on them for a fuck as well.

The AIBU bit is that my DP has been depressed in the past and I think he is battling to keep it under control at the moment, as in to stop the negative spiral. So I should accept his need for sleep and personal space and STFU??

[mrsfuzzy]

is he on anti deps, as that can be a passion killer. he might be having problems and is worried about letting you down, hence the separate beds.

[pinkdelight]

Sort but that sounds awful, no wonder you're fed up. How long have you been putting up with a partner who doesn't want you (physically at least)? How long are you prepared to put up with it? Because it's really not normal and you should expect more from life. Sounds like you got together too young and its time to branch out. The depression is a side issue, don't let it cloud the bigger point. People who've been together for decades get divorced for less.

[pinkdelight]

He may be happier on his own too, if he knows he can't give you what you rightly want.

[ComposHatComesBack]

If it is any consolation I am in a similar situation - 10 year relationship, get on very well, best friends no rows, but sex has dropped pretty much off the agenda, separate rooms and any attempt to initiate intimacy are re-buffed.

I feel embarrassed by the issue and haven't mentioned it to anyone in real life. I don't know what to advise, but hope you manage to address the situation.

[Imstickingwiththisone]

He's not on antidepressants, they didn't agree with him last time and he would have to be very bad to give them a try. He's extremely open with talking about his depression and anxiety and have had regular chats while he's been recovered and again recently. He's mentioned he's had symptoms of anxiety and is playing it by ear. He's quite difficult to talk to right now though do I'm thinking were heading towards a downturn. This is probably a classic symptom but for him it's not as he's been so open about everything from the word go.

My DP was 25 when we got together so he was more experienced than me. Settling down too soon has bothered me in the past but don't think I'd feel it if we didn't have a 90yr olds relationship. I think he would be happy for us to be together forever tbh, this is just him.

And I've always accepted him for it. On self reflection I think I'm just worried about a bout of depression when it was so hard to deal with last time. Feel like I can't go through it again.

Find myself thinking about male acquaintances who are happy-go-lucky and worry free and it's making me analyse our physical contact but it's probably a red herring.

I don't even know what I'm talking about anymore!

[Imstickingwiththisone]

Compos I'm really slow at typing up my replies do that was a cross post from me!

Do you have dc? We have a 4 year old. No rows and can have a give, he's very helpful cooks cleans etc. I'd be heartbroken if we separated, I just want him to change.

[Imstickingwiththisone]

Laugh not give!

[ComposHatComesBack]

No children and we are still quite tactile and kiss and cuddle. I feel much the same, the situation is not ideal, but I think I would rather stay with her as things are, rather than be with anyone else.

[Baconyum]

This is not a relationship you are flatmates. The only thing stopping me from saying leave is that you have a child. Has he only tried one medication? How did it 'not agree with him?' All medications have side effects they usually disappear after a few months. Also antidepressants can take around 8 weeks to start working and there's hundreds of different ones. If he lived alone his choices would only affect him but they don't they affect you and your child too so he has a responsibility to be proactive in resolving this. I speak as someone with depression and on 3rd different medication as previous two became ineffective. But I have a responsibility to my dd to keep trying to sort this. It is hard and avoiding the issue can feel easier but somehow he has to find the motivation. Also a low libido is no excuse for not showing any affection at all. We all need physical contact with those we love. Can you imagine the effect if you never hugged your child?

[Imstickingwiththisone]

Thanks for your perspective baconyum. He only tried one and reckoned it made him dizzy and paranoid to the point he was concerned he would harm himself for the first time in his illness. He sought counselling as an alternative and that along with lifestyle changes 'fixed' him. Apart from the bed / sleep issue though I'd say his behaviour is totally unrelated to depression unless he's had it very mildly for our entire 10 year relationship. The separate beds is sort of the final straw for me. I put up with it when he was ill for obvious reasons but now I feel like he just wants this to be it permanently.

I appreciate being able to put my thoughts down. I go round in circles in my head and then tell myself I'm being ridiculous and put up with it to avoid any aggro. Will definitely Italy be bringing this up for serious discussions soon

[Phatseau]

I hardly ever post on Mumsnet (long-time lurker!) but when I read your post I couldn't not post - I feel so much compassion for you. The way you describe your relationship sounds so much like the relationship I had with my ex-partner.

My ex-partner was also a bit older/more experienced than me (8 years older), was prone to depression (although his first/most serious episode was before we met, I think he had some mild symptoms at some points during our relationship), he was not at all physically close or affectionate with me, and had pretty much no libido and never initiated sex, and rejected me when I initiated sex.

Things also did not go well when I plucked up the courage to raise the sex issue - I felt that no matter how sensitively or tactfully I raised this, I was shut down by him - I felt like because he didn't think it was a big deal and was just the way he is, he was (inadvertently?) minimising my own feelings and the impact it had on me.

I also felt very ashamed about our lack of sex life - despite having wonderful close friends around me, I didn't even talk to my friends about it because I felt it was so stigmatising. But I also just felt really sad about it - it felt so sad to spend much of my twenties in an almost sexless relationship.

In the end, I ended the relationship. There were one or two other issues (nothing huge - but we were just not well matched). I'm fairly sure he would have been fine to carry on, but for me I just realised that after almost 7 years, my needs were not and were never going to me met in this relationship. For me, the optimistic choice was to end the relationship. I didn't want to close myself off to the prospect of being in a happier relationship where both myself and my partner were better suited to each other. It took me a long time to get to that point - maybe for the last 2-3 years I was seriously questioning the relationship - but I haven't looked back.

I am now in a relationship with a lovely, kind man, and I'm just so happy to now be in a relationship where I'm completely happy with the sex and affection side of things. After all those years it just feels wonderful - in contrast to how I felt this time last year.

Anyway, I'm sorry to ramble on about my own situation, but I thought it might help to realise that you're not alone. Of course, I completely understand our situations are not the same - I don't have children, and even without that, no two relationships are the same.

But anyhow, I think it's really good that you're reflecting on this, and I just hope you take the time to think about your own needs and wants. This could just be your posts but I wonder if you've spent a lot of time thinking about his feelings, his behaviours, his wellbeing, what you can do to accommodate him etc - rather than looking out for yourself and your own needs.

Wishing you all the best :)

[Imstickingwiththisone]

Thank you for coming out from the lurk phatseu your post has actually made me a bit upset but only because it's hit the nail on the head. I do feel like I've wasted my 20s and especially my pre-dc days and am quite resentful of him. But I also feel absolutely awful for thinking about him this way. I used to try to address all of this at the start of our relationship but I always ended up feeling like I was being immature and naive to think relationships worked any other way. I moved to be with my DP so lost the closeness with my friends to be able to see that this was bullshit. So I just became an accepting doormat. I'm a very laid back person and don't like to make a drama so it was easier just to continue with what I was becoming more and more accustomed to anyway.

I will think long and hard about how I will address this tactfully. All this is actually helping me to realise that I do want us to work out because I was very recently hoping he would have an affair. He's good friends with a married woman and I've sort of fantasised about him having an affair with her so we could separate without me having to be a bitch which is quite pathetic of me. It's good to realise that this is actually something I don't want. Making progress here right?

[Phatseau]

I'm so sorry my post was upsetting to read - but I also totally understand where you're coming from with that. The situation isn't easy at all and it sounds like there are so many difficult feelings going around in your head.

I just turned 30 this year, and so I absolutely hear you on the "wasting my 20s" thing. I don't know if this'll be any consolation, but I was feeling that resentment/regret a lot towards the end of the relationship, but now I'm out of it, those feelings have actually gone away and I don't feel bad about it anymore. I think now that I'm out of that bad situation, I feel like what happened there in the past doesn't actually really matter now, and if I can make optimistic choices about the future, then the resentment goes away, which is weirdly freeing!

And it sounds like you're making massive progress, seriously. The realisation of what you were saying about hoping he has an affair so you could get out of having to initiate a separation - that makes total sense and I imagine it's probably really helpful for you to have had that realisation, although that must be really tough. I think it's totally fine to take your time and think it through really carefully, in terms of your own thoughts and also how you might want to raise this with him. I also found really trying to tune into my gut feelings was helpful - rather than only trying to think of it in a more 'rational' way if that makes sense?!

I don't know about you, but writing things down really helped for me. When I was ruminating about my former relationship, I'd write things down in a file I kept on my laptop. Shortly before I ended the relationship, it was actually seeing that file and that I'd started writing it some 2 1/2 years ago that made me think, woah, I've been living with this doubt for ages and nothing has changed... it was helpful in giving me the confidence to do something about it.

[Imstickingwiththisone]

Yes you're totally right it's doing me good getting my thoughts down and trying to think it through rationally. For so long I've either been on an acceptance autopilot or been so frustrated I've just had ridiculous ideas in my head for example wanting my DP to have an affair.

It's been a while since I've brought it up and even then I think I've found it so hard to verbalise what I'm feeling that I've completely lacked clarity, and so we've had a big argument, I've felt an idiot, apologised and moved on. Or rather not.

We rarely have any child free time together and I think I will try to arrange for dc to go to grandparents for a weekend soon. Then I'll try to bring it up. I want to do it in a way that will actually change things for us for good because it feels pretty fucking needy and pathetic to have to beg for physical contact. If it works out though, our relationship would be good so I need to do it.