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To feel my Sis is BU?

(35 Posts)
Tealkeptitwarm Mon 04-Jan-16 18:23:42

Name changed for this long one, sorry, but many thanks in advance for reading.

My BIL, my sis' DP (Vito, NRN) has been diagnosed with lung cancer. I feel totally devastated for him and her. He's being very brave and so is she. I'm doing what I can but I don't have any money. Of course I can offer emotional support, plus practical stuff like doing shopping, driving them around, doing housework for them with my DD. Doing bits of DIY as he's a bit too weak now.

Vito's got a bit of a past, he hails from Spain and came to this country 25 years ago having escaped from prison. He's done a spell in prison here, he drinks heavily, hasn't done anything around the house, which she owns. He's been sacked from every job that she's got him, through either drunkenness, stealing and being generally unreliable. I'm/we're actually unclear as to what his real name is, his age, his past in Spain, which he never talks about. But things have emerged now and again over the years, none of it very good. I'm not judging her or him she loves him and they've stayed together, (sort of) all these years.

He's been telling my Sis since they first met some 20 years ago that he stands to inherit a large family property in Spain, when his Mum (who is still alive but has dementia, so he says) dies. He's told Sis he has no siblings, but she's found out that he does have a brother and 2 sisters, who are all locked into a squabble over who's going to get what, when their mother passes away. It's all pretty unsavoury. She found out recently as well that Vito has an ex-wife, daughter and grandchild over there.

Anyway I'll come to the point, since Vito's diagnosis, my sisters been very cruel to our mum IMO. She seems to have got it into her head that mum doesn't care and just because she doesn't throw the little bit of money she has at my sis, that she's cold and unfeeling. This isn't true, my Mum's terribly upset about it all. she's been around my place in floods of tears. She's done plenty to help my sis' in the past, financially and emotionally.

On New Years Eve my sis' called mum, telling her she needs £1000 so she can travel to Spain with Vito so he can sign some doc's re: this inheritance he's supposed to have. Mum said she'd think about it, my sis told her "I'll take that as a no then"? and slammed the phone down. Mum thought on it, called my sis' the next day and offered to pay for their travel expenses, the pair of them.. but she didn't want to hand over £1000 cash.. Sis didn't get back to her and hasn't spoken to her since. I feel that she's using Vito's diagnosis as leverage to emotionally blackmail my mum. I just found out about all this with another teary phone call from my mum, and I'm really upset, I want to confront my sister as she's getting increasingly unreasonable I think. Should I? WWYD?

magoria Mon 04-Jan-16 18:29:52

It is your sister's choice to waste her life and money on this man.

His DC is going to have a much higher claim on any estate. A DC he ran away from 25 years ago and hasn't even held down a job to help support.

Sounds to me like he just wants a free ride to die in his home country.

Your mother doesn't have to waste her money to prop up a lazy dubious slacker just because he is dying.

Help her to stay strong rather than hand over her cash to this man.

Champagneformyrealfriends Mon 04-Jan-16 18:29:58

Is ring my sister and give her it from both barrels. But that's the kind of relationship we have-we call each other on unreasonable behaviour! It really depends on how close you are and how you speak to one another. She sounds very selfish to me.

TiredButFineODFOJ Mon 04-Jan-16 19:49:21

Well it really dosn't cost £1000 for two to travel to Spain does it?

Lweji Mon 04-Jan-16 19:52:59

I don't think I'd believe a word he says.
Anyway, I think your mother was wise, and generous to offer to pay the expenses directly, and she should keep that offer at best.
It won't be healthy for her to keep your sister around based on the money she can give her. Sadly.

Lweji Mon 04-Jan-16 19:54:28

And I agree you should tell your sister off.

redexpat Mon 04-Jan-16 20:01:40

I think your mum's offer of travel expenses was kind and more than fair.

Scarletforya Mon 04-Jan-16 20:07:58

I wouldn't believe that diagnosis for a minute. Vito sounds like a conman, your sister sounds gullible.

I'd tell your Mother as much. I'd also ring the sister and tell her to back off and stop emotionally blackmailing your poor Mother. Shame the sister. Emphasise that Vito is her problem not your Mother's.

Burnshersmurfs Mon 04-Jan-16 20:10:41

Scarlet I was just dithering about posting exactly the same thing. It sounds harsh, but it's a mindbogglingly common behaviour.

ImperialBlether Mon 04-Jan-16 20:13:07

I wouldn't believe any of it! He's lied throughout his life with her and it sounds as though he's still lying now.

Does your sister know that if he dies, she won't inherit anything? She's not married to him, is she?

She's got a real nerve expecting money from your mum. She really needs to be told in no uncertain terms that she's completely out of order there.

emotionsecho Mon 04-Jan-16 20:13:46

Inheritance Law in Spain splits all assets equally between surviving children, he only things to 'squabble over' would be personal items under a certain value.

Documents that need signing (if any) can be sent to the UK for signature in front of a Commissioner of Oaths and returned to Spain, no need to travel to Spain.

Travel to Spain can be done on the cheap and presumably they will stay with family? Even if the did need to book accommodation it is out of season so would be much cheaper.

I smell a strong smell of bullshit with this story.

Yes, you should speak to your sister about the way she is treating your mother as that is a totally unacceptable way to behave irrespective of anything going on in her life and exactly how will your mum's money change his diagnosis?

ImperialBlether Mon 04-Jan-16 20:14:25

What treatment is he having for lung cancer? Have you actually been to the hospital with them? Are MacMillan nurses coming to visit? Does he have a book with all his treatments in?

Tealkeptitwarm Mon 04-Jan-16 20:37:02

Thank you all for the wise words. I will do as advised here... That's exactly what Mum said to me today Scarlet. She doesn't believe he's been honest about the diagnosis either. I'm unsure now.

And no Tired, it doesn't, or shouldn't cost £1000. It's actually France near the German border apparently, (sorry, I just wanted to obscure the details a bit just in case. But I no longer care). Mum offered to pay for the ferry crossing to France (they live on south coast) and a hire car for them. They both drive. She offered to do the booking online. Sis' refused it by not responding. I think she just wants a £1000 handout so she can spend it on him TBH

My niece (my brothrs DD), got herself in a bit of trouble in NZ last year and mum sent her £1500. So, although Mum doesn't call that much and is a bit distant, sometimes - emotionally speaking. She does care enormously and if any of her children/grandchildren were ill she'd be doing cartwheels for us, I know she would.

Thanks again for reading my long post all, and for helping with this melodrama

Tealkeptitwarm Mon 04-Jan-16 20:41:30

Sorry emotion. If that puts you out? It is actually France. I started out not wanting this thread to get back to my Sis, (she may have Mnetter friends for all I know) but I no longer care. Great insight BTW and has been duly noted.

Tealkeptitwarm Mon 04-Jan-16 20:45:09

Imperial. I did drive her to hospital to see him just before he was diagnosed, and he looked terribly ill, jaundiced (asit's in his Liver) and very weak. But as for the cancer, we only have his word. Mum and I do anyway. They apparently said that chemotherapy would be of little consequence.

MoonDuke Mon 04-Jan-16 20:47:58

It's the same in France. Inheritance is split equally between all children. You can't be disinherited.

Chiggers Mon 04-Jan-16 20:53:19

Came across this OP. I HTH

French Inheritance Laws

CakeRavager Mon 04-Jan-16 21:06:47

MoonDuke is right, it is all but impossible to disinherit a child under French inheritance laws, which are quite, quite complicated. If a child is deceased then their child/ren stand in their place. The only situation I know of where you'd have to go and sign papers is if you wished to renounce your inheritance.

SquinkiesRule Mon 04-Jan-16 21:16:34

Well if he escaped from jail in France they will pick him up and give him some of their free housing to finish out his sentence surely.
He does sound like a con artist. I wouldn't be surprised if he doesn't have ling cancer and isn't dying. Maybe he looked so ill for other non lethal reasons, hepatitis or some sort of bad gall stones blocking the duct that have been removed?
Is he still jaundiced, if it was in his liver and he's not getting treatment the yellowing won't just disappear on it's own.

ImperialBlether Mon 04-Jan-16 21:36:06

I bet they tested him for various things, including cancer, and he's rolling with that diagnosis, thinking it will buy him sympathy and gifts. Stop doing the bloody DIY for one thing!

Leelu6 Mon 04-Jan-16 22:13:58

This sounds like a Mills & Boon novel gone wrong...

MidniteScribbler Mon 04-Jan-16 23:15:56

I agree with Squinkie. If he escaped from prison, there is no way that he's going to step foot back across the border and risk being caught.

emotionsecho Mon 04-Jan-16 23:21:56

You haven't put me out at all, OP, I believe French Inheritance Laws are the same or very similar, and again any papers needing signature could be done in the UK.

It really does sound like a made up nonsense, they probably just fancy a holiday in France on your mum's money.

As another poster said if he escaped from prison won't the authorities catch up with him and expect him to serve the rest of his sentence?

I hope your mum doesn't get dragged into this scam, I think she is going to need your support to stand firm.

echt Mon 04-Jan-16 23:37:53

Surely if he did time in an EU country's prison and escaped from there, his past would have caught up with him when he did UK time.

echt Mon 04-Jan-16 23:53:42

While I'm here, there are serious penalties for harbouring a known gaol escapee in the UK. I don't know how the CPS feels about EU escapees, but imagine there are extradition arrangements. Does the OP's DSIS know what her DP did?

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