To cut all ties with a good friend of mine as I cannot take this anymore.(96 Posts)
Hi, I'm a long time lurker on MN, I realise that on this board in particular people can very often be roasted and told to keep their noses out, focus on their own life etc etc so I'm a little dubious to post but her goes.....
I'm undecided whether to cut all contact with a good friend of mine who I've known since I was five (25 years!) due to her lies and manipulative ways regarding her break up with her partner, I'll start from the beginning. She has three children to her partner, they both work, her around 16 hours a week and he is self employed. Around two years ago they announced that they were separating and not long since after I had suspicions as to why they suddenly announced they were parting ways and I'm afraid my suspicions were justified.
She confided in a mutual friend of ours that she and her ex weren't indeed separated and that they had decided between them that he would move in with his uncle (single and no children so has a spare room) and that she will remain living in their rented house with their children.
Like I said I'm preparing myself to be told to mind my own business but I simply can't condone what my friend has done and continues to do. I realise that the pair of them are playing the system perfectly as due to the fact they "technically" do not live under the same roof my friend can now claim housing benefit, council tax benefit, child tax credits, income support, free school meals etc that they were not entitled to before due to her partners wages. This in itself is a bit shocking as they are exploiting the rules but I'm fully aware that in the eyes of government they are technically just within the rules so nothing can be done.
Generally I don't care what other people chose to do or not to do, it's their lives and i was the same with my friend up until recently but I decided to ask her if this was a set up between her and her ex, she sort of dodged the question but didn't deny it so for me that was enough.
My problem is not that I'm a bitter, jealous, interfering person (which I'm sure someone will accuse me of being so) my problem is that my friend these last six months or so has become literally obsessed with money and insists on sharing almost every purchase she makes. She turns up to my house and frequently will sit there rhyming off what she has bought for her three children, she insists on telling me that they have too many designer clothes she doesn't know what to do with them, and she in the past has gone on to quiz me about what my children wear now they are getting older and she wanted to know everything that I had bought them for Christmas and then went on to better me and list everything her three were given (the list was boarder line obsurd).
I know that friends do occasionally discuss money but when she is doing what she is doing and then has the audacity to sit there and talk none stop about the subject, well it has got to me. One minute she claims to me and the world (Facebook, Instagram) that she is a lonely, struggling single parent and the next she is shoving her huge purchases under my nose, telling me that she is getting an interior designer in to decorate her three bed council house that she has recently been given and that her and her ex are going to Mexico in April for ten days!
I simply cannot go along with her anymore and continue to sit there listening to what she has to say, one minute she makes me feel a little envious (who wouldn't love to have more money) and the next I feel like screaming at her and telling her to stop with all the shit! So would IBU to end the friendship out right or should I confront her first? Although I'm not sure what could be salvaged.
If it is such an issue that you are prepared to end a 25 year friendship then report her for benefit fraud if you think that is what is happening. TBH you don't sound as if you like her that much anyway.
I do find it hard to believe that anyone can be raking in enough cash on benefits to do all of the things you have described. He must be earning quite a lot.
How can she afford all that from a few quid in benefits? I reckon they're crims too. Drug dealing maybe
Another one of these. Yeah, dump her. I'm so sure she is absolutely coining it in on benefits .
supermanspants to be fair if he's not declaring all his earnings then he could be bringing home a fair whack.
Georgia I'd not report it but if her behaviour is such that you no longer like her as a friend then I'd cut her out of your life. I don't associate with people who's actions I disagree with from a moral standpoint.
She sounds a right bore. Designer clothes for children? Yawn.... I don't even get why adults spend a ridiculous amount of money on a designer piece of clothing.
I'd rather travel
You know, there's nothing wrong with deciding that someone you have known since you were 5 is taking a vastly different path in life.
It's almost a given actually. We all have our own life to lead and some will be vastly different in terms of values.
If this was me I'd drop her. And tell her why. "I'm not interested in materialism and you are"...
You haven't mentioned "shopping" her to the authorities. I've known people who do the same and I don't want to be a snitch cos a. I don't want to be involved and b. I believe in karma.
Good luck with it.
Well that's kind of the point, he earns good money working self employed so I don't see why they needed to do this in the first place as they appear comfortably off anyway. And yes we have been friends for a long time so it upsets me to think about ending it but without knowing her personally yourself you couldn't understand fully how bad she has become.
I have friends who are rather wealthy and I don't care one iota that they are better off than us or have flashier things, they earned their money and didn't have to deceive anyone in the process. My friend however has already admitted to another friend of ours that her and her partner purposely set out to do this ie swindle the goverment, which is just plain wrong. I could kind of understand if they were struggling financially or were having relationship problems so decided to live separately for a while but this isn't the case, they've simply become greedy and seen a loophole to bring in more money every month.
An interiour designer, holidays abroad and designer clothes ?? Yeah right
The issue really is the deception ... one for FB the other in your face bragging.
Apart from money - is she supportive, fun to be with, someone to go out with?
This type of thing has been happening for generations, its not new, and the law allows it to some degree.
If you have it out with her she`ll know you shopped her. And whilst it isnt any of your business, she is makeing it your business.
I would hope DP would never put money above being a proper father and spending time with his children.
But that's it. They're not "swindling the government" - they're swindling the tax payer, i.e. you and me.
And don't forget the 3-bed house she was recently 'given', MyFriend. Probably has a 'flat screen telly' in every room and a goat in the garden.
I'm not sure it is just pennies she is getting though. She wasn't entitled to anything before so even if she gets say £400 tax credits £400 HB/CTB Income support of £50 or whatever it is a week, plus free school meals and child benefit etc, that's at least £1000 a month right there, I know what I could do with an extra 1k a month.
Well, however she's getting her money, all that boasting about their stuff would be a bore, so I would reduce contact with her as much as possible.
Why is she a good friend? Is she really, or just an old friend?
Yes I thought straight away drug dealers too, raindrops, especially as they're going to Mexico.
Why don't you ask if you can get in on it OP? You could make millions!
But if he had loads of wages and wanted to fiddle the tax he'd just do it wouldn't he? No need for them tk live apart. No, you're implying her money comes from her Measly misclaimed benefits aren't you? And they're very little money, not holiday designer clothes money
I assure you it's not bollocks. I've read a couple of similar threads myself so I understand if you think I'm just creating for the fun of it but believe me I'm not that immature to concoct such a story, so you know where you can go with your flat screen TV and goat comment don't you?.....
It doesn't matter if she is committing benefit fraud.
It matters that she is meant to be your friend, moans publicly about poverty, but brings up huge purchases she has made for herself and her children in order to make you feel inadequate.
That is not the behaviour of a friend.
HB goes on her rent. £400 a month wouldn't make a dent in my bills. Where is the extra?
Are you sure she's no having some kind of breakdown? Sounds very bizarre.
Why don't you just be upfront and ask her what is going on?
This annoys the hell out of me. I know plenty of people who dress their kids in designer clothes, keep horses and have nice holidays but also seem to have kids who qualify for free school meals. There is something very wrong compared to others who work hard just to get by. This would certainly change my view of our friendship.
'so you know where you can go with your flat screen TV and goat comment don't you?.....'
Actually, no, but do tell us all more clearly and why you felt compelled to start a thread on the internet about it all rather than doing the 'mature' thing and just cutting her off or shopping her?
You can't get income support if you work 16 hours.
You're wrong about that so I'm not about to believe everything else you say.
Why are there so many benefit bashing threads on mn?
To be honest yes she was a good friend but coinciding with her "break up" with her partner a couple of years back she changed quite a bit. She has gone from a fairly reliable fun friend to one who constantly seemed on edge and from watching watch she says around people (imo in case she tripped herself up) to ranting on Facebook about how hard single life is and raising kids on her own (I have genuine single friends who would never dream of doing this).
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