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to feel stuck in a rut with my life

(26 Posts)
loopyloo70 Mon 04-Jan-16 17:54:40

I am a sahm to 3 children, 2 planned and one a happy surprise. Have no regrets as far as my children are concerned but feel so unsettled with other aspects of my life and don't know what to do about it or how to go about it, hence feeling stuck.

I live in a small 2 bed detached which I really don't like as there is no space. I really want to move but I don't think we can afford it as not sure how much money we need to save to move as it is our first property. We have a small living room which is about 3.5 metre by 4 metre and with the furniture it feels so claustrophobic. I also can't fit in my piano which is important to me but have no where for it to go.

Another thing is I don't like where I live. I live in a small suburb in a city and I have lived here all my life. It seems so dull and there is no community or things going on and I feel I have no where to go or to take my children to. I would love to do a big move to somewhere in the West Country but this is all I have ever known but need to get the confidence to just do it I think.

Im not sure why I feel like this. I am wondering if I am suffering with anxiety or just feel down as I don't feel happy but don't feel teary but do feel irritable, impatient and empty. Just feel so fed up and not wondering where to start. I don't know whether I feel like this because I feel down or I feel down because I'm unhappy with where im living.

Feel better for getting that out.

bornwithaplasticspoon Mon 04-Jan-16 18:37:01

Yo don't mention a partner, are you a single mum?

Babyroobs Mon 04-Jan-16 19:58:05

I imagine any move to the West country would be very expensive, unless the property you own is in an expensive area and the sale of it would fund the move. I think often the grass seems greener but isn't always the reality. Could you do some kind of part time work to help fund a move if that's what feel will help?

redexpat Mon 04-Jan-16 20:18:03

I'm going to suggest 2 books.
1. How to do everything and be happy by peter jones.
2. THe life changing magic of tidying by marie kondo.

The first will help you establish what you actually want your life ot be like, and how to start getting it that way. I totally hear what you say about the piano. Thanks to the first book, I have been getting one room ready in our house for the last 18 months, in little stages, for a piano. How could you get a piano in your life?
-Get a bigger house
-Get an electric piano that will be put away when not in use.
-Get rid of/Change out furniture to make space.
-Hire an internal architect (is that what they're called? I may just have directly translated it into English and got it wrong.) to get an expert opinion on how you best could utilise the space available.

The tidying book will help you clear out everything you dont need, want or love, so will make your house seem bigger.

Eebahgum Mon 04-Jan-16 20:36:54

Those books sound very interesting redexpat.
I'd say a house move could provide you with the things you crave. One of the things I love about where we live (oop north!) is that a reasonable amount of money buys you a large house in a nice area. Is there something that draws you to the West Country? Don't know what property prices are like there.

loopyloo70 Mon 04-Jan-16 20:40:08

Thanks for your replies. I am married sorry didn't mention before was typing while trying to do the dinner so may have missed bits out. Thanks for the book suggestions I will have to have a look at them.

My husband works but wants to find a better job as there is redundancy risk at his job. I also do have a piano but it is at my parents house so its frustrating that I can't really use it.

I have always been drawn to the West Country since i was a child and I find the sea has a calming effect, I live in the Midlands and it just feels so closed in if that makes sense. I love the open space, scenery and moors etc of the West Country but I think I may be unrealistic if I think I could afford to move.

Problem I have is we have outgrown this house and we can't afford a nicer area where we are and the areas we could afford are not very nice around here. Think I just feel so trapped where I am and its getting me down.

loopyloo70 Mon 04-Jan-16 20:44:33

Ebahgum, I have been to the West Country often since a child and just feel at home and not stressed. I think its the scenery and the open space and happy memories I suppose. Where about up North are you? I went to Peak District which was lovely and Yorkshire and Cumbria, both again lovely.

SisterViktorine Mon 04-Jan-16 20:46:31

Where are you now? If you are in an expensive area and you have equity in your house it may fund a move to the West Country. TBF not the lovely villages rolling with ex-London bankers, but certainly Somerset. Places like Glasto and Chard are cheap.

What is the work situation, are your jobs commonly occurring and portable? There are not many jobs going out here as far as I can see.

loopyloo70 Mon 04-Jan-16 20:49:26

We are in Birmingham. My children do go to a lovely school that is the only thing I like about where we are. My husbands job could be done anywhere and the same for me when I return to work. Are you in the West Country sister Viktorine?

SisterViktorine Mon 04-Jan-16 20:55:02

Yes, I live in Sherborne (so Dorset) and work in South Somerset.

raisin3cookies Mon 04-Jan-16 20:56:17

We've just moved from Northants to Lancashire and will be buying our first house in the summer - we could never afford a big enough house in the midlands, so that's exciting. smile

In my experience, wherever you go, you still bring yourself along so it's better to address your issues now rather than expecting a house move will sort it. But, maybe it will! We were crammed into a two up two down for too long and when we moved into a bigger house a lot of my anxiety left. I also stopped dreaming about magical cupboard doors that opened into a previously unknown third floor of our tiny house!

SisterViktorine Mon 04-Jan-16 20:58:25

What about Weymouth? It is not glamorous in any way but you can't half get a lot of house for your money and it is great to be able to walk on the beach in the evening sun. smile

SisterViktorine Mon 04-Jan-16 21:02:01

I also lived in a 2 bedroom house for too long (in the SE) and think that finding that space, inside your house and metaphorically, can make a huge different to your mental health. I understand your hemmed in feeling OP.

I can verify that there are big skies and more air to breathe here OP. I was giddy with it for at least the first year and I continue to be a much happier person.

bornwithaplasticspoon Mon 04-Jan-16 21:58:04

I'm by the sea too. Have always lived on the coast and couldn't imagine being happy anywhere else so I feel for you, op.

In the meantime - maximise the space you have by minimalising as much as possible. We recently got rid of our 3 piece suite and replaced with a corner sofa that seats the same amount but takes up less space. It has legs with space underneath for kids toys, dvds etc. Ikea is great for getting tv unit/shelving/storage all in one. Our lounge is tiny but feels so much more spacious now.

loopyloo70 Mon 04-Jan-16 22:21:45

Sorry, hectic night settling children who do not want to go to school tomorrow! I would consider Weymouth, schools are probably my deciding factor on an area. I was thinking mainly of Devon but would consider anywhere that way really.

I have do a lot of de cluttering over Christmas and it feels great getting rid of stuff but it comes to a point where I will probably be getting rid of stuff I want too keep but just have no where to put it.

loopyloo70 Mon 04-Jan-16 22:26:04

I think what also doesn't help is because I don't like my area I have no where to go, even for a nice walk. Staying in the house I feel the walls closing in on me so I can't win.

bornwithaplasticspoon Tue 05-Jan-16 06:53:14

I can relate to the walking thing. I hate driving so walk as much as possible. We have a couple of shops and a play area in walking distance. Doing that daily with the kids makes all the difference to a dreary day.

Things are always worse in January I think.

Is your DH on board with a move? Parts of Hampshire and West Sussex are affordable if you can be an hours drive or so from the coast. Loads of rivers around which gives you a similar 'free' feeling.

ginorwine Tue 05-Jan-16 08:12:08

I know what you mean about feeling hemmed in .
We lived in b ham for a while and before dc we spent most weekends driving to Wales to be near the sea.
Would going to local places with rivers quite often help for now to soothe you ?
I love the North East Coast and yearn to go there a few times a year but resist moving as I'm not sure as my associTions are of holiday not real life if u see what I mean ?
We settled for a place near the sea which I can see at a long distance from my house .so I know it's there .
My friends live in morecambe - they got a 5 storey house with very big yard on a street that leads to the sea and walk the dog on the beach daily as its two mins away .the house was under 180 k .its not as nice as the area you want to go to but has the sea , good schools, culture .there may be a compromise ? I love Cornwall so much for eg but settled for an area with other things too which are practical for us .
I save my big sea for holiday and have got a cheap camper van so that can go more often .

ginorwine Tue 05-Jan-16 08:25:39

If I had no were to go for a walk in my local area I Wd find that really really hard .
Have you always felt this way ?
About open spaces etc ?
I have and I did struggle to live in a big city .
I like to see edges .
I live in a city with hill s round part of it so I can see the edge !
Do you feel similar or is it just the sea.
I wd struggle to live in London for similar reasons .
Go to work now but will check in later .
I think that i wd think about wether there are places near to you that fulfil you rivers etc and actively try to discover places .for eg I often drive to a beautiful river near me , sit , cone back feeling great .i would choose the big wild sea any time over that but it's the next best thing and sorts my head and soul out !
Do you have places you cd find ?
If not and it really affects you then I'm sure there are places similar or cheaper near water if you yearn for it .
We didn't move cos of dc school which was outstanding and we reached a compromise by staying here .i don't think I will ever know what it wd be like to live in my dream places but I sure as hell go to a river weekly or the nearby sea.i call it flat sea tho as it is a bay area and doesn't have wild waves v often so you don't get that crashing sound !!!

teaandporridge Tue 05-Jan-16 08:51:30

This may be a bit further than what you're looking for (understatement) but I live in the west coast of Scotland and it has exactly what you are looking for. Houses are a fraction of the cost up here, scenery is beautiful, on the coast, views to Arran ect. Even without the sea there's lovely forestry areas too and lots of schools to choose from. Education system a bit different, there are private then local authority schools. But it definitely has it all. I have no desire to move anywhere else (only a bigger house lol)

loopyloo70 Tue 05-Jan-16 10:10:07

I have felt like this for a long time. When we bought the house it was only going to be a starter home and we have been here 6 years now.

My husband is on board for a move but probably not as imminent as myself as he keeps saying the house needs more work on it as when we had it, it was a shell. He then confuses me by talking about extending or mentioning other major work when I cant find myself to be interested. I just want to get out even though I know practically that is not possible at the moment.

My husband is far from lazy but is untidy so that gets to me as I'm in the house all the time. He has a mad tidy up and cleaned the bathroom yesterday then starts leaving things around like clothes on floor and in a house this small I feel I'm drowning in it. Like I said he does his share of housework and things like that

bornwithaplasticspoon Tue 05-Jan-16 14:08:54

Location location location.

If you're not happy in your area then extending will make no difference.

loopyloo70 Tue 05-Jan-16 17:35:56

Your right bornwithaplastic spoon. Just feel I am wasting my children's childhood as don't have very many exciting places to take them.

What kind of diy jobs need doing before planning to sell and how much savings do you need to sell with solicitor fees etc? Sorry to ask probably an obvious question but I have never done it before.

bornwithaplasticspoon Tue 05-Jan-16 18:11:38

If the house is well maintained then it should be fine. Some buyers want perfection but most can see past decoration etc. If in doubt a lick of neutral paint can help. Keep the clutter under control and do obvious things like tidy the garden, make the front entrance smart and welcoming. Kitchen and bathroom is very important, keep as minimal as possible, fresh towels etc.

Selling and buying costs - you're looking at needing at least 2k for costs (solicitor, removal,survey etc) plus estate agent fee, around 2/3%

TheSconeOfStone Tue 05-Jan-16 20:56:22

Not everywhere in the South West is super expensive. Plymouth or one of the towns nearby such as Saltash or Ivybridge might suit. Not sure what house prices are like where you are but you can get a 3 bed semi in Ivybridge for £185k. There's is loads to do down here. Fabulous beaches and countryside with Cornwall and Devon on you doorstep. I live in Plymouth and live within walking distance of the historic harbour but I can see green hills from my house. Can get to the beach in 30 minutes.

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