Talk

Advanced search

To be absolutely fucking sick of my four year old

(58 Posts)
sunnyawry Mon 04-Jan-16 15:29:30

I am aware how bad this sounds but he's being SUCH a shit I am really struggling today. it's like he is deliberately trying to provoke me he just pushes and pushes until I can't stay calm. I've just made him a drink and offered him 2 biscuits, and subsequently agreed he could have 'just one more'. Sat down to feed the baby and he goes for the biscuits insisting he's having more. My staying calm, saying no, counting etc did nothing apart from getting a gleeful grin off him. To my shame I then resorted to wrestling the biscuits off him. He went back for the tin so I yelled he wasn't having biscuits EVER AGAIN and sent him to sit on the step. I really shrieked. I just got rage. Sounds so stupid over a custard creme, but I just don't want him to think he can walk all over me.

So then he was in tears but refuses to stay on the step to give us both time out. I went upstairs to calm down but he just follows me around wailing. I locked me and the baby in the bathroom and he just stood outside yelling and hammering on the door. This cannot be normal!!!! This is just one example from a whole day of incidents and similar over the past weeks. I tried to talk to him calmly afterwards, if just escalated again because he insisted he was 'in charge' and that he would just get daddy to give him a biscuit later.
I'm actually sick of him and can't enjoy his company at all anymore because he always spoils it by twatting around. It's like if he gets a sniff that something annoys me he will put all his effort into doing it. Eg I asked him nicely to not climb on me / pull at my clothes, that's all I get so I end up getting off the floor and moving. We could have just played nicely and he could have got lots of attention. I just don't understand him at all.

I am clearly doing something very wrong

wallywobbles Mon 04-Jan-16 15:33:57

We had a strategy that we learnt for DD2 that worked really well. Instead of punishing we would say, do you want to go and get your teddy and lie on the sofa until you've calmed down. That we she wasn't isolated and she learnt to get a handle on her emotions really quickly. Without it all turning into a battle.

Some kids really push your buttons, my eldest did, and I wish I'd had this strategy in place for her, instead of feeling overwhelmed by her/life/motherhood.

I hope you can get to grips with this, its horrible feeling like this.

FriendofBill Mon 04-Jan-16 15:34:19

Pick your battles.
If you don't want him having biscuits don't buy them.
I probably would have let him have another or--ten--Biscuits or peace?

I remember being sooooo worn down by my DS in s way I never was with my angelic DD.

I wouldn't bother arguing about whose in charge, you could even use it later and say it was your turn now as he was in charge earlier.

Don't take it seriously or personally.

Huge hugs!

DisappointedOne Mon 04-Jan-16 15:35:46

Read your post. Do you really not see it?

Sat down to feed the baby

You've just turned his world UPSIDE DOWN. Of course he's going to test you. He thinks you've replaced him! Time outs and locking yourself away from him is reinforcing that.

Give him another biscuit and read this. Twice.

www.janetlansbury.com/2013/04/helping-kids-adjust-to-life-with-the-new-baby/

Donnadoon Mon 04-Jan-16 15:35:56

flowers for you...But he is only four and jealous of the new baby ?
You need to pick your battles, I would have let him eat as many biscuits as he wanted though for a bit of peace blush

DianaTrent Mon 04-Jan-16 15:41:02

Is he bored and frustrated now he doesn't have you all to himself and just doing anything for some stimulation and attention? Can you try making a routine of getting out of the house and doing something very tiring with him first thing - going to a park or soft play perhaps so he's tired out, stimulated and hopefully calmer for the afternoon? It's not a magic answer but might help. I always found more exercise helped with my DD's more challenging phases.

Twinkie1 Mon 04-Jan-16 15:42:31

Let him have a whole truck load of biscuits when you're feeding the baby, let him eat them sat next to you on the sofa watching something lovely on the TV.

It will save a shit load of tears and help you all bond.

I'm an older mum of 3 and my DD, last baby, gets away with loads because I've decided there are certain things that I can just let go. We are all therefore v v laid back.

As for the pulling clothes, I'd pull his, I'd guarantee he won't like it.

SweetAdeline Mon 04-Jan-16 15:44:06

Well I disagree with most of the posters here. I wouldn't have let my nearly 4 year old help themselves to the biscuits if I'd said they'd had enough either. I think upheaval is the time when you need to make sure boundaries are consistent not remove them entirely. I would try to avoid obvious conflicts where possible but would still enforce no means no.

sunnyawry Mon 04-Jan-16 15:44:38

Ughhhh yes I understand About attention on the baby but he is brilliant with her and so loving, it's me he hates. It was like this before she was born too. I do pick my battles honestly, I'm not all no no no and normally let him get on with things. I don't care about the biscuits it was more the attitude and total defiance, I mean why bother asking me when he thinks he can just do whatever he wants anyway confused

Thanks for the flowers etc and I will read that link again. I feel totally out of my depth. Is there anything else I can read with tips on how to deal?

LongHairDontCare Mon 04-Jan-16 15:47:48

I've no advice, but my nearly year old sounds the same so flowers you're not alone!

sunnyawry Mon 04-Jan-16 15:50:02

Diana yes thanks that is part of the problem I think, I was just about to take him out on his bike when it started pissing it down again. I know I could hAve gone anyway and probably should have, but tbh I've lost count of the amount of times this holiday I've got soaked taking him out to burn off energy I just wanted to wait til it stopped. But j agree things are easier when we've got out.

wasonthelist Mon 04-Jan-16 15:51:11

Yanbu. Sympathy (been there - sort of) with dd inspite of her being an only child. It will get better, honest. You're not alone.

BabyGanoush Mon 04-Jan-16 15:53:42

be pragmatic

keep the biscuits out of his reach (on top of the cupboard)

Give him plenty exercise

It all sounds quite normal for 4, but they grow out of it grin

UndramaticPause Mon 04-Jan-16 15:54:43

Does he go to preschool or nursery? If not then perhaps get him a day or two out the house a week (assuming he's a just 4 year old) to play with peers away from you may do it. I remember my dc going through this phase in the year leading up to school, it is so wearing flowers

Noeuf Mon 04-Jan-16 15:55:18

Ridiculous to let him stuff himself stupid in biscuits - what odd advice. Say no, put the biscuits out of reach and maybe offer a choice - what shall we do while I feed the baby? Shall we watch tv or do you want to do a jigsaw?

PiperIsTerrysChoclateOrange Mon 04-Jan-16 15:55:49

'in charge' and that he would just get daddy to give him a biscuit later.

Does dp undermin you often.

HPsauciness Mon 04-Jan-16 15:57:42

Just because he loves the baby doesn't mean he's not a bit jealous of the attention the baby gets! Children are very exhausting. Yes, in an ideal world, you probably could have stuck at two biscuits, but sometimes it's hard to know what to say and do.

Tomorrow is another day...

tiggytape Mon 04-Jan-16 15:57:55

I agree with SweetAdeline too. Unlimited biscuits isn't healthy everytime the baby is feeding. Picking your battles though can include some anticipation (so keeping biscuits well out of reach if you decide that unlimited biscuit consumption isn't an option).

Also time out may not be the best option right now when you have to be focused on the baby too. It isn't supposed to give you a break from each other necessarily. It is a technique that requires time and investment to get him to serve the time out, apologise and then talk. It often requires you to be nearby and quietly returning him to time out numerous times not just leaving him alone. If you have to resort to locking yourself away from him then things just escalate and it may not be the best technique when you need to feed the baby and cannot supervise it.

He doesn't hate you. He is getting older and testing the water a bit in terms of exerting some control (which you can encourage in positive things like choosing his clothes, helping with jobs etc) and is probably a bit worried about his position now the new baby is here so is expressing that by trying to wrestle back your attention in more extreme ways.

tattyteddy Mon 04-Jan-16 15:59:34

I can sympathise OP, my four year old DD can be look the way you described your son is being and my DC2 is just 11 weeks old.

I've found spending one on one time with her helps. I've also started reinforcing positive behaviour and trying not to get cross with the negative behaviour, easier said than done!

I've just ordered a couple of books that other MNs have recommended - how talk so kids will listen and magic123.

Jw35 Mon 04-Jan-16 15:59:57

Sounds normal for 4! Shouting and losing your temper shows lack of control hence why he thinks he's the boss! Locking yourself in the bathroom with the baby is extreme and scary for a child this age.

Advice is to hit say no, remove biscuits out of reach and keep calm! If he takes more before you have a chance to move them, take them off him repeating 'no' and then feed baby. Ask him if he wants you to read to him while feeding. If he has a tantrum go into another room but don't shut him out behind a door just make it clear he's being unreasonable. You could give him an incentive too like 'if you behave while I feed baby we will do something nice after'.

Check out articles on new babies too, it's unlikely he's completely unaffected by your attention elsewhere thanks

minipie Mon 04-Jan-16 16:00:02

It is about the baby. He doesn't hate the baby or you, he is trying to get your attention. He'll do whatever gets you to focus on him.

Can you try explaining to him that if he is helpful while you feed then it will be done quicker and then you will have time to play with him? And/or promise him an activity just with you when the baby is sleeping.

tbtc20 Mon 04-Jan-16 16:00:05

I still lock myself in the bathroom to calm myself down dealing with my 6 year old and there is no new baby on the scene.

I thought that was normal.

sunnyawry Mon 04-Jan-16 16:00:55

Thanks for the sympathy i'm now feeling incredibly guilty for speaking of him so badly. He's such a lovely boy at times but bloody hell hes hard work. Not interested in tv, or toys really, just wants to 'help' with whatever I'm doing, or do non stop imaginative role play which I'm expected to join in with.

Thanks for letting me vent!

UnderTheGreenwoodTree Mon 04-Jan-16 16:02:22

Yes, it's the new baby thanks and yes, they can adore the new baby, but still play up for attention from mum!

Honestly, it's perfectly normal 4yr old behaviour - it's hell to go through at times, but you survive it. They learn very quickly to play up as soon as you start to feed the baby - I remember it well.

LikeASoulWithoutAMind Mon 04-Jan-16 16:04:28

It's quite typical for them to be lovely to the baby and horrible to you - doesn't mean they're not unsettled by the new arrival. Also doesn't mean they get to eat unlimited biscuits! (Well not in our house anyway)

Can you make baby's feeds a nice time for all of you? Either let him watch a favourite thing on TV or share a story or something like a jigsaw (one handed!)? Ds used to love cuddling up on the sofa while I fed the baby.

Also I'm sure you are already but do make time for just him when the baby is asleep and emphasise the things that only he can do because he's a big boy, not like the baby. Does he "help" with the baby too?

And YY to lots of exercise. I have to say, four in our house was the most challenging age (well about 3.5-4.5 to be precise) even without new babies to chuck into the mix.

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now