towards dd's dad re:holidays

[hufflebottom]

I'm sitting on the fence with this one.

Xp has dd (6) once a week. Was decided 5 years ago when he walked out on her and I had to get childcare etc and then he decided after 6 months he wanted to know. I said I wasn't uprooting her life again for him to decide a few weeks down the line to stop contact again.

In those 5 years he's not picked up other nights/days with her when offered and my parents have had her or I've had to cancel work/plans etc. But he will ask last minute if he can have her at weekends when his dad is over.

I discover over Christmas that her grandfather asked dd if she would like to go on holiday with her dad to visit him in Portugal.

I messaged him today stating that I'd prefer it if it would be discussed with me first before mentioning it to her. As she now thinks she's off to Portugal. I've told him I'm not happy as he's not taken her away on holiday before and I would prefer him to take her on a few holidays in the uk first before he decides to take her abroad. Especially as dd doesn't overly like his new dp, I personally don't have any feelings on her but have in the past asked him to have a quiet word as she has done things that dd didn't like. (Checking dd's chest for a temp, going into a toilet cubicle with dd when dd is more than capable of taking herself to a toilet)

I discussed with him about my parents taking dd to America in the summer, while I'm not too happy as I won't be going he said he had no problems with it. Parents have dd while I work at weekends. Bless them. Get rid of me and my bro and get my dd instead.

Now I'm sitting here wondering if I'm BU telling him he's got to take her on holiday in the uk a bit more first as he's her father and should be allowed to take her away on holiday when he wants. Or whether I'm NBU and should stick my ground.

[donajimena]

I think she will probably enjoy a trip to Portugal.

[Sallyhasleftthebuilding]

I think one night a week and he gets the good bits. Hiw will he cope with a full in week- or DD without you for a week? He needs to build up his time a bit more.
That said - if it does happen she has familly to suport her.

[hufflebottom]

I'm not saying she wouldn't enjoy it. She'd love it.

I'm just a bit sort of with I think it's a bit far for a first holiday when the last time he spent more than a week with her was back when she was less than a year old.

[FunkyPeacock]

Nothing in your OP gives me the impression your DD wouldn't be safe going on holiday with her dad

If you trust him to take her away on a UK holiday then then I'm not sure why you wouldn't trust him to take her to Portugal

[hufflebottom]

Dd is also used to a week away without me as my parents have taken her away (in the uk, so America is massive) but when they have I have checked he's happy with it. I've never once taken or let my parents take her away without letting him know before dd. I think I'm too nice. (Which is bollocks, he thinks I'm a bitch, which is probably true)

[hufflebottom]

Just thinking that she's never been with him or his dp for more than a couple of nights over a year ago.

He is known for his moments of fuck muppetry. He works in a pub and has left her alone in his room while he went downstairs to do something while she watched a film. His room is on the second floor. He's also wandered her down to the cellar before while he was doing some bits. That essentially was on his day off.

Am thinking I'm being a little unreasonable. Need to get a grip

[donajimena]

Hmm I kind of see your trepidation. Can you suggest he has her for longer periods leading up to the holiday?

[FunkyPeacock]

No harm in asking your Ex to ensure he runs holiday plans by you first before discussing with DD but not much point dwelling on it now that it's done

Assuming your DD wants to go then I can't really see how you can object, especially considering she is already used to holidaying without you

[WorraLiberty]

I agree he needs to build up longer periods of time with her first.

Are you sure he actually wants to take her to Portugal?

It was his Dad who suggested it wasn't it?

[Stillunexpected]

Maybe he doesn't even want to take her to Portugal? It sounds as if her GF asked her directly to go - it was probably as much of a surprise to your Ex as it was to your DD! Yes, it should be discussed with you but I don't think he could have done anything about it on this occasion.

[Goingtobeawesome]

Some people are missing the point. This man hasn't had his child alone for more than a few hours and suddenly might be having her full time, abroad for more than a week. That's a long way, and a lot of trouble, if the child is distressed and he wants shot wants her mummy.

The girlfriend thing could be her not having a clue about kids and wanting to keep a careful eye on her. Or are you concerned about something else, OP?

[hufflebottom]

True. Didn't think that her gf would mention it without checking with her dad. Considering the fight he puts up when I suggest he might like to have dd for a couple of nights.

Dd would love to go as I've said. She's always up for an adventure. She's not sure on the flying aspect though. Don't blame her.

[RubbleBubble00]

Understand your trepidation. Does sound like gf is caring - if a little smothering so perhaps would be the common sense to ex dipiness.

[hufflebottom]

I dunno, about the his dp. He's moved on I've moved that's fine. I don't have any feelings really towards her. But I think it's more i don't want to put her in a difficult situation should dd say something to someone and they take it the wrong way. We all know how crazy the world is getting now

I don't tend to let my dp wade in with dd too much. I'm happy for either her or my dp to say something to my dd should she misbehave or she ask for advice but things like checking her temp on her chest under her clothes and going into a cubicle with her was a tad odd. But I've also mentioned to dp about things to. So it's not just aimed at his dp. I sound so fucking precious!

[TreadSoftlyOnMyDreams]

What sort of environment will she be in ? How well will she be supervised? Can she swim?

[SpecialistSnowflake]

When is it? Can you suggest he takes her for a week at home first, to see how she reacts to that?

[SoupDragon]

She's not sure on the flying aspect though.

Well, it's a longer flight to America - Portugal would be a great practice run for that.

I think her father needs to increase contact before taking her away. It doesn't need to be a holiday - weekends are a good start.

[ThumbWitchesAbroad]

I don't think his first experience of having her for more than a couple of nights should be abroad, no. I think he should build up to having her for longer - a long weekend here and there, then a full week in the UK before going to Portugal with her. Because he's going to throw his toys out of the pram if she gets homesick 3 days in and wants to come home, isn't he - and someone will have to pay for that flight (or he'll have a very unhappy little girl on his hands for the rest of the week).

But he might refuse to take her anyway, which would solve your issues, although wouldn't make your DD happy :(

[hufflebottom]

That's the thing he can't/won't tell me anymore than its Portugal. I kinda think I know which area.

She can't swim as such but is starting lessons soon.

I suggested maybe a couple of holidays in the uk first. No reply until about 10 mins ago where he's got snotty demanding to know when all her school holidays are now. Totally understand why he's got snotty at me. I should be able to let him take her abroad.

[hufflebottom]

I know I've got concerns with my parents taking her to America. As yes a hell of a lot further, will be for longer. Think I'm just anxious I won't be there with her. But knowing my parents have taken her away before lots of times. With and without me. She's used to being away with them. So the homesickness etc shouldn't be as bad.

But with her dad she hasn't been away and it just unsettles me. He doesn't take things from me particularly well anyway.

[RideEmCowgirl]

I think he needs to be more proactive in regards to his child. If he wants to know term date's, how about he contacts the school to ask or looks at the website.

[hufflebottom]

I doubt he knows what school she's goes to to be honest. I didn't bother telling him about nativity and parents evening this year as he didn't bother with it last year.

[timelytess]

He ought not to take her abroad at her age, when he's had so little contact with her so far. YANBU to want a phased approach to this.

[ADishBestEatenCold]

Even from the little you say, it does sound as if your DD's grandfather is interested in her and has made some reasonable effort to build a GF/GC relationship with her.
It also sounds as if her Dad does have regular contact with her, albeit not in a formalised pattern.
It also sounds that your DD is sufficiently confident in her relationship with both of them, to be keen to go to Portugal on holiday.

I think, given all that, you should allow her to go. By all means apply a few provisos to your consent, if you feel they are needed (for example: regular increased contact to be adhered to in the run up to the holiday; a maximum of one week holiday, as her first trip to Portugal; etc), but I definitely thing you should let her go.


As to your other concern: "I'm happy for either her or my dp to say something to my dd should she misbehave or she ask for advice but things like checking her temp on her chest under her clothes and going into a cubicle with her was a tad odd."

I'm not sure what you are saying here, hufflebottom. To cut to the chase, do you think this might be indicative of some sort of abuse, or are you simply thinking these are beyond the normal boundaries you wish adults with care to observe when with your daughter?

I certainly wouldn't think twice about going into a toilet cubicle with a child I was close enough to care for ... not to assist a 6 year old ... but, for example, if there was a long queue, or if the cubicles didn't look very substantial, or the locks looked stiff, or if it was a very busy sprawled out facility.
While I would normally roughly check a child's temperature by feeling his/her forehead, I do have a Sil who always feels the tops/underside of arms , and I can distinctly remember one occasion of feeling my niece's tummy/back (out in the snow and her hands and face were frozen, but she was burning up).

So it depends what you're saying/thinking/feeling ... if it's 'red flag' behavior you're concerned about, then it is a whole new ball game and you do have to take action to protect your child ... if however it is just normal variations on parenting, then all you can do is discuss things with your DD's dad and agree a way forward.

[ivykaty44]

If the child is OK with separation to go to the US without her mum then I don't see why it should be a problem with her father. Both holiday people she sees regularly and knows.

I would pack your dc of to Portugal and US and let her have a fabulous time.