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To be scared witless!

(52 Posts)
redjoker Mon 04-Jan-16 12:25:08

Have been with OH for 4 years, house, secure job, all very lovely so thinking of first baby. Came on MN last night to look at some discussions about 'advice for new mothers/if only I knew what I know now' and am now freaking slightly

OH is in the military so only home at weekends, mother is 3 hours away but do have a good MIL and 2 sister in laws both pregnant (plus 2 other sister in laws with children under 5)

Is it really as lonely and horrid as MN says- had sleepless night after reading comments but know that joy of newborn/your own child has to be worth it RIGHT??

GiddyOnZackHunt Mon 04-Jan-16 12:27:39

Well yes otherwise there's be no siblings. smile

GiddyOnZackHunt Mon 04-Jan-16 12:28:11

there'd dyac.

SpaggyBollocks Mon 04-Jan-16 12:29:08

people don't tend to write posts about what a lovely day they've had, so in that sense the sample is scewed.

of course it's hard at times. but there are good times too.

do you have many friends around with kids? that was the killer for me. all my friends are still childless and I pretty much never see them, but it's not the end of the world... I have mumsnet grin

WorraLiberty Mon 04-Jan-16 12:29:22

Don't worry OP

MN doesn't say anything because it's one 'one person'.

People mostly post about their problems and things they're struggling with, rather than about the good/normal things.

You'll get a skewed outlook if you worry too much about the problems you read online.

goodnightdarthvader1 Mon 04-Jan-16 12:30:51

people don't tend to write posts about what a lovely day they've had, so in that sense the sample is screwed.

That's what I have to keep remembering!

Choughed Mon 04-Jan-16 12:30:51

Are you married? If not and he's in the military I'd definitely do that first before children.

hellsbellsmelons Mon 04-Jan-16 12:31:10

This is hard to answer.
Some people don't like it and others thrive being a mother.
Some people don't plan on being a single mum but have it thrust upon them.
Some people have 'easy' babies while others have issues with allergies, reflux and many many other things that can happen.
Some babies will sleep through at 3 months and some take more than 3 years.
Some people have easy births and others have a nightmare time of it.
We are all very different so no one story will be the same.

My OH used to work away in the week when my DD was a baby.
I had no issues with it at all.
I got on with things. Wasn't massively maternal but did a good job.
I love my DD to the moon and back and would die for her.
I wouldn't change her for the world.

Sounds like you have some support around you and your DH will be home weekends so there is no reason why it should be lonely.
Get used to the sleepless nights! grin

ThinkAboutItTomorrow Mon 04-Jan-16 12:31:15

I think studies show childless people are happier so think carefully about what you want.
Don't just do it because it's the obvious next step, they are hard work and stop you doing a lot of things, or at least make them different, usually more difficult and very rarely spontaneous.

RumbleMum Mon 04-Jan-16 12:32:51

Of course it can be be really tough at times, but as Worra said, MN doesn't really give a complete view of what parenthood is like.

I can't even begin to tell you the joy my two DC give and how much happier and more content I am since I had them.

ThinkAboutItTomorrow Mon 04-Jan-16 12:33:28

Disclaimer is that I have a 3 year old and an 8 week old so am probably in something of a parenting low point!

Best not to listen to me.

redjoker Mon 04-Jan-16 12:35:15

SpaggyBollocks- all of my main friends live in Kent (Im in Oxford) and none yet to have kids

find OH being away cripplingly lonely sometimes as am a bit of hermit while he's away and find it hard to mingle. My workplace is me and 30 other men so have limited female friends here that aren't family (OH has 5 brothers so I have lots of SIL's with kiddies)

think what I'm trying to say is will baby increase my hermit tendencies (think I know answer but worry ill struggle to cope as 'sort of single mum')

sarah2011 Mon 04-Jan-16 12:35:18

It's all worth it x

StillStayingClassySanDiego Mon 04-Jan-16 12:36:35

Is it really as lonely and horrid as MN says-,

Don't listen to what a bunch of random posters say and take it as gospel.

I've had three, if it was so bloody awful none of us would have had more than one.

RumbleMum Mon 04-Jan-16 12:38:12

Totally understand your concerns, but antenatal groups/baby groups can be a good way to meet people, though I appreciate that's not everyone's experience. I have a close and supportive group of friends from my NCT group and have just dropped DS1 off with one of them as he's not back at school till tomorrow and I'm ill and need to go to bed. :-)

hellsbellsmelons Mon 04-Jan-16 12:38:20

If you have hermit tendencies then it might.
Can you think about getting out and about a bit now? Before any babies?
meetup.com is a great site for local groups who meet up for all kinds of reasons.
When you have a baby though there will be clubs you can attend.
Get out there now and get some friends and hobbies of your own.
Even just joining a gym could be good for you?

redjoker Mon 04-Jan-16 12:40:16

Thanks all- am aware that people do like to moan (for want of a better term) so good side to these things sometimes over looked..

Some days I LOVE being on my own- but had a blip at Christmas , ground hog day and the like. House/moving wise there isn't much we can do; so I guess if I want kinds, which I very much do I just suck it up and crack on?

hellsbellsmelons Mon 04-Jan-16 12:42:03

How old are you red?

redjoker Mon 04-Jan-16 12:43:42

Yes im sure if i just pulled myself together a bit I could find groups etc, and with SIL 3 months due I think she would be a good starting point for support

Doesnt help that OH has emotional range of an orange- and thinks ppl with depression 'should cheer up'

Any suggestions on preparing him for my emotional ups and downs without just wacking him on the head?

Sallyhasleftthebuilding Mon 04-Jan-16 12:43:43

Kids tend to force you out - babies sleep ib the pram/car toddler much easier after a walk/park/activity.
You want to show them the world. Garden centre, forest, beach, farm, etc. If DM is a ling drive do it at 7pm baby sleeps.
You have to go out to keep sane.

redjoker Mon 04-Jan-16 12:44:38

Oh and im 26 hmm

Lurkedforever1 Mon 04-Jan-16 12:45:17

I agree with others, it's because people are more likely to post about problems.

I was always on my own with dd ( father is a twat) and it really wasn't that hard. Finances aside I'd happily have or adopt more as a lone parent. However if someone posted they were struggling with any aspect of parenting, it wouldn't be sensitive or constructive to post a smug 'I didn't find it that hard'. Likewise anyone wanting specific advice, posters with experience are going to reply, rather than all the parents who's child never did that.

Eg 'I'm exhausted my toddler won't sleep' it would hardly be helpful if a hundred posts followed saying 'oh well mine did'. Instead you get people sharing how they managed their non sleeping toddler.

IceBeing Mon 04-Jan-16 12:53:20

Someone did a survey and found that on average your first child is worse for your happiness than any of divorce, loosing your job and your partner dying.

I don't think anyone would do it if they knew the risks and I think the main reason people have more than 1 is because their life is already broken so they may as well capitalise on the error grin

See the survey here www.washingtonpost.com/news/to-your-health/wp/2015/08/11/the-most-depressing-statistic-imaginable-about-being-a-new-parent/

PerspicaciaTick Mon 04-Jan-16 12:53:31

I've read many threads on MN over the years when MNers get very soppy about how wonderful their newborns (and older children) are.

Maybe try starting a new thread asking people to tell you all the best bits? I'm sure you'll get loads of really positive responses from people thrilled to be able to extol the wonder of their DCs.

NinaSharp Mon 04-Jan-16 12:53:47

Yep, people only really write about problems. If you believed MN few kids ever sleep, or eat, or do as they are asked...

We moved to a new town, and OH did horrible shift work, so I was in a similar boat to you. I never thought of myself as particularly confident or outgoing but it was ok, actually. You 'buy' some friends in an NCT group if you can, you can make contact with other mums online, and you go to baby groups. It's easy to forget that another mum on their own at a baby group is almost certainly there because she wants so company too, and so is almost certainly going to welcome some conversation.

MN can scare you witless. I have been variously terrified of sleep regression, the Terrible Two's, Threenagers, and food refusal, none of which have actually happened. You really do have to remember that no one is going to come on here to ask for advice about what to do about their good sleeping, good eating two year old grin

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