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My In-laws are trying to be helpfuk but driving me insane

(43 Posts)
Woodenmouse Mon 04-Jan-16 11:22:14

I love my in-laws but they drive me insane and the closer I get to the birth of DS2 the worse they are getting. They rang the other day to say they had booked a b&b to come and visit 2 weeks after baby is due, I get that they want to see their new grandson (especially as they have 5 other grandchildren who they never see) but they didn't discuss it with us in advance, just announced that they would arrive on that date. My MIL has also started being really funny about the fact they offered to buy a Moses basket and I reminded her that my mum had already got us one,we told her we were grateful for any gifts and we still had other things we needed but she just got moody and hung up on DH. I'm dreading them coming to visit after DS2 is born as MIL does not take criticism and I get really uncomfortable, when DS1 was born she wasn't fully supporting his head when she held him and DH moved him slightly so he looked more comfortableand she got really huffy and said I have held babies before, when DS1 was a little older she suggested putting his rusks in his bottle like she did with her children in just pointed out that this was now concidered unsafe and she basically told me she had more experience as a mother than I did. I'm completely for them spending time with both grandsons when my second is born but AIBU to be dreading their visit when i haven't even had the baby yet?

goodnightdarthvader1 Mon 04-Jan-16 11:27:00

I think "helpfuk" should be the new way to describe someone who is trying to be helpful but actually ends up being irritating / a hinderance.

My MIL has announced that she will be visiting every month after my DD is born. Yeah ... thanks for that ...

Just let it wash over you. Be firm. "Medical advice is not to do that now." Repeat as needed. End of discussion.

Furiosa Mon 04-Jan-16 11:27:41

How long are they staying in the b&b for?

ThisisMrsNicolaHicklin Mon 04-Jan-16 11:35:14

I've got helpfuk relatives too grin
My PILs were lovely but very smothering. We did the smile, nod, do our own thing for a few years but in the end DH had to have a quiet word and its been much better since.

Woodenmouse Mon 04-Jan-16 11:38:16

I believe they are only staying for 3 days as my MIL has medical conditions which means she has to visit the hospital quite regularly.
DarthVader I'm loving "helpfuk!"

sElizabeth Mon 04-Jan-16 11:44:30

Mine are the same. Now hoping I don't accidentally thank them for how 'helpfuk' they're being.

Dipankrispaneven Mon 04-Jan-16 11:59:35

So what's going to happen to their booking if the baby is two weeks late?

Are their helpfukness and the fact that they don't have contact with other grandchildren connected?

goldglitter Mon 04-Jan-16 12:08:41

Thank god they are staying in a B&B!

maybebabybee Mon 04-Jan-16 12:13:26

So what's going to happen to their booking if the baby is two weeks late?

Exactly, what if baby comes really late? Or early?!

StealthPolarBear Mon 04-Jan-16 12:15:56

Presumably that's why they picked that time. Baby will definitely be born

PoppieD Mon 04-Jan-16 12:20:44

Love the term 'helpfuk' really describes situation perfukly! grin

diddl Mon 04-Jan-16 12:21:26

Well of course you can't stop them coming but hopefully it will be possible to be in control of when you see them & how long for.

Might you ever stay overnight at theirs with your baby?

Would it be useful if she had stuff at hers?

Lucked Mon 04-Jan-16 12:24:28

I agree they should have asked but staying in a b&b for 3 days isn't completely inconsiderate. Just be thankful they don't live round the corner from you.

MagicalMrsMistoffelees Mon 04-Jan-16 12:25:21

Why don't they see their other five grandchildren?

Are they too helpfuk with them as well?

Perhaps so helpfuk that their parents emigrated?

scrumptiouscrumpets Mon 04-Jan-16 12:26:10

I don't see what's wrong with her coming to see the baby a few days after it is born. She's not staying with you so you can limit visits as you wish. Also, why can't you just call her and tell her there is one specific thing you need for the baby, that way she feels useful and you get what you need. All sounds like a bit of a non-issue to me. Would you be annoyed if your mum announced she was coming to see you two weeks after your due date??

OnlyLovers Mon 04-Jan-16 12:29:58

At least they haven't insisted on turning up immediately after the birth, or BEING at the birth, both of which I've read about on here before. hmm

But I don't mean to minimise it; it IS irritating that they're being so presumptuous. Perhaps the baby will be early or late and mess it up. <<mwah ha haa haaah>>

Gifts: if she gets in the huff again, your DH can tell her 'Please don't feel you need to buy us anything, if it's causing you stress as it seems to be doing.'

Rusks in milk and other 'helpful' comments: <<breezy tone, vague smile>> 'We're not doing that.' Repeat as necessary.

SatsukiKusakabe Mon 04-Jan-16 12:30:15

Only advice is to be assertive. It is hard, you don't want to rock the boat, but trouble-makers and interferers are reliant on you being too polite to say something. So say something, still politely, but firmly, every time they are doing or suggesting something that is helpfuk rather than helpful. Good luck smile

HorseyHat Mon 04-Jan-16 12:31:51

I would be delighted with the idea that the In Laws were staying in a B&B nearby tbh!

Regards the Moses Basket she is just being silly, you already have one.

Jessbow Mon 04-Jan-16 12:43:03

be glad they are staying at a B&B

Tell her something specific you do need and let her feel she's done her bit.

LucilleBluth Mon 04-Jan-16 12:43:54

Sounds like she feels left out....I wonder why? Maybe she feels that your mum gets to do the more special things......coming to stay for three days two weeks after due date, well what else are they supposed to do, seems fine. Was she really not supporting his head or was DH being a pita pfb. Who knows. Leave the woman alone, she doesn't sound that bad, she's a fallible human.....and you will be in her position times two as the mum of DSs.

Good luck with the birth smile

Dipankrispaneven Mon 04-Jan-16 12:48:36

Presumably that's why they picked that time. Baby will definitely be born

But may be in hospital. Plus, if baby has only just been born, OP is likely to be sore, bleeding, with leaky breasts. Not really the best time to descend.

SoWhite Mon 04-Jan-16 12:50:50

she basically told me she had more experience as a mother than I did. Well technically, that is true.

But the age old advice stands - smile and nod. One day, when you're a grandmother, you'll be harping back to the way you did it when yours were little.

Put yourself in her shoes. Being told you're doing something that you know very well wrong is annoying. Even if she is wrong, just smile and nod. Then carry on as you were doing.

BarbarianMum Mon 04-Jan-16 12:54:58

I don't think that booking a B&B for 3 nights 2 weeks after your due date is that presumptuous. Yes, baby may only be a few days old but equally could be a month old.

The advice thing is annoying but it will be you/me one day - let's just hope we remember how we felt about it and accept being corrected with good grace. smile

StrictlyMumDancing Mon 04-Jan-16 13:03:18

I think helpfuk is going to be a new mumsnet favourite term!

Mil can be helpfuk at times. You have my sympathies. But yanbu. She could have at least asked if you'd mind. Then again at least she isn't staying at yours

SatsukiKusakabe Mon 04-Jan-16 13:05:03

What is presumptuous about it is not asking OP when would be a good time to come.

You don't book then tell, that's rude. You ask and make arrangements with the people you are visiting. That's the same if you're a mother, a mil, a friend, a maiden aunt, whatever relationship.

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