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For not wanting to force 17 year old to holiday with us?

(128 Posts)
SnotBagMaterial Mon 04-Jan-16 09:37:44

DH and I are about to book a holiday for us and our children - 5 nights in New York.

'Our' children are my 15 year old, my 17 year old, his 19 year old and his 20 year old.

However, my 17 year old said he doesn't want to go. For one thing he doesn't want to go on a 10 hour flight there and back for the sake of 5 days and secondly, he doesn't want to spend 5 days with the other boys. He and his youngest brother don't get on and he dislikes the 20 year old. He says he much would prefer to get £100 or so to do things with his mates here.

I think he should be allowed the option plus - he's not much fun on holiday anyway and tends to moan and complain about everything so on selfish grounds - the holiday would be easier without him!

dH thinks I should force him to come with us.

AIBU to allow him to stay home if he wants to? He's mature and capable of looking after himself do that isn't the issue.

MajesticSeaFlapFlap Mon 04-Jan-16 09:39:25

No yanbu
At 17 it should be his choice.

Iwonderwhy123 Mon 04-Jan-16 09:40:21

If he's responsible enough to be left at home and he really doesn't want to go I say don't make him! Pointless spending all that money on a holiday he doesn't want and wouldn't enjoy!

AnyFucker Mon 04-Jan-16 09:41:00

I wouldn't leave a 17yo home alone while you are thousands of miles away though....

Tricky one. Could he stay with relatives ?

LagunaBubbles Mon 04-Jan-16 09:41:03

Yanbu. He's 17. It's a shame that he will miss out on such a fab holiday such as NY but it's his choice.

Catzpyjamas Mon 04-Jan-16 09:42:01

YANBU. Go without him and you'll all enjoy yourselves more.

LagunaBubbles Mon 04-Jan-16 09:42:03

My DS1 was 17 when he decided he wasn't coming to Feance with us and his younger brothers. Left him money and food and he was fine.

Schwabischeweihnachtskanne Mon 04-Jan-16 09:42:31

Of course you don't force a 17 year old to go on a family holiday against his will. I'm not sure I'd be giving him money not to go though. The holiday is on offer (for a 17 year old it shouldn't be compulsory) - but not a financial alternative. That said the money might be somewhat academic as I would leave "housekeeping" money for a couple of take aways / milk and bread / emergencies... and with the emergencies thrown in I suppose you might be thinking of leaving a sum around the 100, although not expecting it all to be spent unless something unexpected came up...

I stopped holidaying with my parents much earlier than 17 - holidays with my parents and younger sisters were stressful and not enjoyable by my teens. I stayed with friends when I was under 16 and then home alone.

SnotBagMaterial Mon 04-Jan-16 09:43:31

Just to add, my boys came to New York with us in 2013 and eldest moaned and complained then! Youngest loved it and had New York bedding and everything so I know he'll love it, even more so this time as we're hiring s house where he will have his own room - and he will enjoy it more without his wind-up brother there.

ThroughThickAndThin01 Mon 04-Jan-16 09:44:43

It's a shame but I wouldn't force him to go. I wouldn't pay him to stay behind though. The offer from you is to take the family on holiday; not give them goodies if they don't want to go.

Headmelt Mon 04-Jan-16 09:44:47

I wouldn't give a 17 booze money cash and an empty house unsupervised for the most part of a week, there's so much potential for trouble. Technically, he is still a minor so check out the legal status on doing this too.

Egosumquisum Mon 04-Jan-16 09:44:54

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

iwantgin Mon 04-Jan-16 09:44:54

I would leave him at home too.

Our DSS are similar ages, and we've pretty much finished taking them away now as there is no point wasting money, time and energy making them come. Even though they are missing out. It clearly doesn't feel like that to them.

Go and enjoy!

IamCarcass Mon 04-Jan-16 09:46:46

My memory of family holidays is them arguing the whole time, opted out as soon as I could.
You sound like a fab mother to give him the choice and I think it will benefit your long term relationship.

LordBrightside Mon 04-Jan-16 09:47:39

"I wouldn't leave a 17yo home alone while you are thousands of miles away though....

Tricky one. Could he stay with relatives ?"

WTF? At 17 he is old enough to leave home, marry, drive, serve in the military, work and pay taxes.

iwantgin Mon 04-Jan-16 09:47:52

I have been leaving DS alone overnight since he was almost 16.

He is now 18 and twice had a week home alone last year. He is perfectly sensible and loves the space and freedom.

It is perfectly legal. He could have left home at 16.

Iwonderwhy123 Mon 04-Jan-16 09:48:19

I know some people are saying he'll go mad and have a party but you know your DS and whether you can trust him. Just have a friend or relative 'pop round' a few times and make sure he has someone to call on in emergency

LordBrightside Mon 04-Jan-16 09:48:20

"Technically, he is still a minor so check out the legal status on doing this too."


rookiemere Mon 04-Jan-16 09:48:54


I think it would be different if it was a beach/activity holiday as I'm sure he could find something to enjoy but to be honest I wouldn't be particularly keen myself on a long plane journey just to go to NY for 5 days, so I feel he has a valid point.

Egosumquisum Mon 04-Jan-16 09:49:39

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

LagunaBubbles Mon 04-Jan-16 09:49:55

Headmelt are you really suggesting you think it's against the law to leave a 17 year old alone? You do realise that at 17 you can get married, and here in Scotland you don't need parental permission. You might not trust your son/daughter at 17 but I certainly did and the money I left him was for food. Funnily enough that's what he spent it on and our house was spotless after a week, because he respects us and his home.

ThroughThickAndThin01 Mon 04-Jan-16 09:50:13

It depends on the 17 year olds LordBrightside, a couple of mine would be as close to leaving home, marrying, working and laying taxes, as flying to the moon. One would be capable and sensible.

LagunaBubbles Mon 04-Jan-16 09:53:05

I'm still in shock st someone suggesting you check out the legal status of leaving a 17 year old alone!

snowinginthewoods Mon 04-Jan-16 09:54:58

Headmelt that's so funny, of course you can leave a 17 year old alone without legal repercussions! As you can a 13 year old in fact although you probably wouldn't.

Depends on the child, I was left at that age as didn't want to holiday with my parents any more and I didn't rampage.

tiggytape Mon 04-Jan-16 10:03:13

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

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