To be annoyed about DH's carelessness?

[YearlyFloralMug]

DH does very little around the house but whenever he decides to do something he'll do job, make a big thing about it, but make loads of big mistakes or just be generally careless, which inevitably means I have to pick up the slack and sort it out. He is also very messy and leaves stuff everywhere yet whenever he does anything he'll put my stuff in obscure places or bin things of mine. He then always laughs it off and is never apologetic.

I am highly fucked off tonight as he had a 'sort out' today and took the christmas cards down. On our mantelpiece,tucked away at the back, which was and still IS full of stuff he's put there, there was an envelope with my name on it containing some money a relative gave me on Xmas day. DH was fully aware that the envelope contained money and that I was going to use it in town tomorrow when the kids are at school.

He has only gone an fucking binned the envelope and the money. It's currently in our filthy wheelie bin in a full bin bag from the kitchen bin. What's fucked me off even more is that he laughed about it and seems to expect that I will go and hunt through the fucking bin tomorrow to retrieve it, rather than him sorting it out. I am fuming! And upset! He didn't put away or move any of the stuff he's left laying around but the one thing I'd put on there, which he KNEW was money, he has binned.

If he does laundry he will do a dark load and somehow put a new white bra or something of mine in with it so it gets ruined. He's tumbled dried tops and jeans of mine and ruined them. He's thrown away make up and things from my dressing table as he 'thought they were rubbish'. Like I said, he hardly ever does anything in the house anyway.

AIBU to be fuming? If he doesn't retrieve it I am just going to spend the money from our joint account anyway I have decided.

[jay55]

Put everything he owns in the bin.

[bluecheesedip]

It doesn't sound like carelessness - it sounds deliberate.

[annandale]

Oh God. DH and I had an 'episode' years ago where one of us threw something of the others' away. It's all very blurred now and I can't remember a thing about it but we are both hypernervous about throwing each other's stuff away now as it was such a HUGE deal at the time.

I was going to suggest that you separate out the 'you never do anything in the house' from 'you owe me the money you have just chucked out' but clearly this is a huge bruise in your relationship that he has not acknowledged.

I wouldn't spend the money (well, not yet, anyway). Too easy. Tell him that you expect the money your relative gave you, plus the card, and he is to find it. And that you want it for the sales this week. And if he laughs, ask him why the fuck he is laughing rather than getting on with it.

[Sallyhasleftthebuilding]

So is he bin ratching or what?

[gleam]

I wouldn't call it carelessness.

[echt]

I'm usually in favour of cock-up over conspiracy, but I think this is being done on purpose. At best it's let's fuck it up so I won't have to do it again, but the selection of your stuff to damage/lose, lack of apology and laughing about it smacks of a truly unpleasant streak.

[BathtimeFunkster]

He sounds like a spiteful, evil fucker.

[TeaFathers]

why are you with him? is this a situation that you want to continue living in?

[SaggingTits]

if he retrieves it? He should be up to his elbows in rubbish trying to find it. Insist he does. If not definitely take the money out the joint account and bin a load of his stuff

[emotionsecho]

That's not carelessness you are describing it's deliberate, well thought out nastiness.

[Krampus]

Of course you are not unreasonable to use the joint account to replace items.

He threw away despite knowing money could have been in there, no brainer, he gets it out or there is less in joint account.

Whites in mixed wash? Basic washing, logic, reasonong, to have an all white v coloured system going. Then it comes out of joint account, he will learn how much a bra costs. If historically you have put older white underwear in with colours how would he know that was a new bra? We have a pile of whites and both of us are capable of doing a white wash. Or a wool!!!! dead cleveeer me and the male I live with. Clothes that I want washed and dried in a particular way I keep out of the general wash pile, he never has any and I wouldn't expect him to know what to do with mine .

Yup, anything from your dressing table that he randomly thows away from your area then again out of the joint account, or his. If you've had conversations about mess, clearing, not taking over all the space i could understand it. No to randomly chucking stuff after a history of doing little, its not cheap and out of the joint account it comes.

[TheBouquets]

Agree with emotionsecho. I knew someone who made such a bad job of every little thing so that he was not asked to do anything again. The only thing I asked of him next was to use the door! He is a spoiled brat wanting waited on hand and foot.

[UnderTheGreenwoodTree]

What the fuck is he playing at??

Agree with pp - that's not carelessness, that's spite.

[Skzr1214]

If he does it on purpose, you can figure it out by putting a penalty for each episode and see if he learns or not. For example, a couple of decent tops and jeans for each one he damaged, or at least of the same price tag if not double. See if he carries on. Don't choose the route of "ok I ll do it all myself" ever. That's probably what he is after. As for the money, I would throw a big silent fight on it until he agrees to fish it out for you.

[MistressDeeCee]

Blatantly obvious he's doing all these things on purpose. & will no doubt gleefully enjoy seeing you dig through rubbish to get your money back. I don't know how you can put up with a man like that you must be pretty tolerant. He is spiteful. People know when they're doing wrong to others, you will no doubt have posted on here because you are already at the end of your tether about what you've already had to discuss with him numerous times

A spiteful pain in the arse like this isn't worth your time. He isn't likely to stop this spite though so maybe you'll have to play him at his own game. Which is very likely to spiral out of hand and then you will have another problem. He is perfectly able to get that money back for you and its to be hoped he does

He'll send your stress levels to boiling point with this nasty streak, in time. Please look after your health as much as you can.

[Skzr1214]

I like the idea of taking it out of your joint account too.
Make a proper list of all the chores inside the house honestly (keeping his activities and job in mind and your own efforts realistically) and then sit down with a cool head and assign chores with him. If he is honestly careless and not being mean, he will do them (may be some arguing first) and from there you can slowly tell him what did he wrong and make a sub-list.
That's how I made hubby do help with my work. I cook and he has to eat whatever I cook, no questions. He cleans and got so great at it that now I literally hardly bother. It was not all joy though. We had so many fights but I stood my ground and it's under control now and he accepts it's better.

[TendonQueen]

He sounds unpleasant. So much so that I can imagine him just refusing to look for the money (when is your bin collection?) I would be binning whatever precious things he owns and thinks highly of. Forget the moral high ground, this is the only way people like this learn, if they ever do.

[whatdoIget]

You do know he's doing it on purpose, don't you?

[mathanxiety]

Take his clothing to the garden and empty the bin out on top of it all open all bin liners, etc and find your money.

Then leave it all there in the back garden to fester. He can rummage through the mess to find his clothes.

He is doing this on purpose. You can retaliate by ruining his things all at once if this is the last straw. I like the joint account idea too, as long as you are not the main contributor to it.

But you will not find joy in the sight of clothes you buy to replace items he destroys. Your clothes should not be used in ongoing skirmishing with a man who has promised to love, honour, and cherish you. It would be like wearing armour. Is this what you want your life to be?

My ex used to do housekeeping like a PA tornado, and all sorts of stuff used to get thrown away. He tidied with such vehemence that he sometimes broke toys of the children's. I took the route of never having anything out for him to tidy. He also used to ruin clothing with bleach. Again, I did all the laundry. Mistake.

It sounds as if he is harbouring a huge amount of resentment and hostility towards you. No matter how much talking you try about dividing chores and the right way to wash things or what not to throw away, the basic issue is why does he hate you and feel such contempt for you, and until that is addressed or dealt with (by filing for divorce) this is not going to stop. It may just get transferred to other ways to hurt you, like driving dangerously, failing to keep the car roadworthy or taxed or insured, sabotaging your job.

Would he treat a friend like this?

[Horsemad]

I wouldn't be using the joint account to replace the money, it would be coming from HIS account.

Cheeky sod.

Don't let him get away with this, OP.

[daisychain01]

First things first, retrieve the envelope from the bin.

Then sit there with him, put the envelope stained with teabags and potato peelings in front of him and say it's not acceptable for him to laugh at you and that things need to change. We all make mistakes but him thinking g it's just a joke isn't on. Nasty. See what his reaction is.

I'd put any valuables out of harms way in future, sounds like he has form for cocking things up.

BTW, I have to admit I recently had to fish my car keys out of the wheel bin. But DP didn't laugh at me when I was getting g upset looking for them or go You silly cow when I found them

[claraschu]

The real cock-up here is that you are not recycling your paper. It's easy to get stuff out of the recycling bin.

[3littlefrogs]

Wow - he doesn't like you very much does he?

What a thoroughly nasty, spiteful man. It all sounds deliberate behaviour.

[TheHouseOnTheLane]

I think people are saying he's spiteful because OP said he knew there was money in it....but it seems to me that he "knew" it was there but overlooked it.

Ie he didn't deliberately throw OPs cash away.

BUT he should DEFINITELY be the one to get it out!!

[PegsPigs]

He sounds like a real shit. A man baby who wants looking after.

So the question is do you want to mother him or get him to step up and be an equal?