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To be hacked off that she finds it impossible to compliment me????

(78 Posts)
Kakanto Sun 03-Jan-16 11:00:47

I am ready for a pasting here and to be told I am bu. it's not the end of the world and very trivial but starting to bug me.

Concerns my friend. It suddenly dawned on me yesterday. Never compliments me on anything. I recently moved into a new house and have spent so much time and effort getting it all together and not a single nice comment apart from things like "I like your bath against the wall, that's what I'm getting" (aren't most baths fixed against a wall?)

I'm not after praise and and I know it's trivial but she's fine dishing out the compliments to other people. Case in point when we visited another friend and his wife's new house days later and she went nuts over it.

I tend to be v self deprecating and people often go along with this but it has suddenly dawned on me that this happens a lot.

Come to think of it, the same happened with my wedding.

Aibu

MardyGrave Sun 03-Jan-16 11:03:24

Maybe she has different taste to you, and it would seem disingenuous to rave about things that she didn't actually like?

Lexigrey Sun 03-Jan-16 11:06:31

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

PingpongDingDong Sun 03-Jan-16 11:06:35

Totally understand! I'm a self deprecating person too and have found this frequently. Really make an effort not to do it.

halphalp Sun 03-Jan-16 11:13:30

There is a real skill to being able to accept a compliment graciously.

Kakanto Sun 03-Jan-16 11:15:09

Thanks. When I say self deprecating I don't mean on a constant basis, I mean that I just don't blow my own trumpet. I get that things are t always to other people's tastes but when it feels like it must actually be hard work not to say something nice, it makes you wonder.
I just can't help but feel that people look at my life and think it's a bed of roses and I am a decent mate. Never a mention of my endless fertility problems but never mind her.

Eigg Sun 03-Jan-16 11:15:13

Re the house. When we moved into a new house I found that those people who had nothing to say/only negative comments were those who were jealous for one reason or other. I have one good friend with totally different taste to us, she pretty much dislikes every stick of furniture we own - even she found nice things to say about the house.

Regarding personal comments I agree with Lexi it can be very hard to compliment someone if everytime you say 'you look lovely' they disagree.

My Mum does this and my Dad took my sisters and me aside when we were young teenagers and quietly told us to just say 'thank you' when someone compliments us as it is so hard to compliment my (beautiful, talented and lovely) mum.

Savagebeauty Sun 03-Jan-16 11:16:58

I have a self deprecating friend and she sucks the joy out of things at times. What is the point of saying something nice if its met with negativity.

Kakanto Sun 03-Jan-16 11:19:44

Thanks eigg.

My latest post didn't read very well. I guess it just gets me down sometimes. I just often feel that if someone else were to do things I do, etc etc people would be nice but with me it is never mentioned. And I only get irritated because I am ALWAYS the one people turn to and always the "good" friend if that makes sense. I don't feel used as such, just very much that people feel "it's alright for her" when I too have my problems.

Kakanto Sun 03-Jan-16 11:22:21

Savage. I am not like this at all. I am always cheerful. When I say self deprecating I merely mean that I am not boastful and often underplay things (ie, massive promotion and don't really mention it). On reflection, 'self depricating' isn't actually accurate. I notice that people in general can effortlessly big themselves up and I don't do this at all.

apricotdanish Sun 03-Jan-16 11:23:38

YANBU. It doesn't hurt to give people you care about a little boost from time to time and if you see her able to freely compliment others and never do the same with you it's natural for it to grate and feel a bit hurtful.

areyoubeingserviced Sun 03-Jan-16 11:26:55

She's jealous of you . Simple

intothewoods Sun 03-Jan-16 11:40:35

My mil is a bit like this. We get on fabulously but i don't think she has once complimented me on how I look or how nice my house is (maybe neither the house nor I ever look nice but that's almost beside the point, everyone can pay the odd compliment now and then even if it is a bit forced).

Leelu6 Sun 03-Jan-16 11:42:54

Jealousy. Pure and simple. Stop complimenting on her things. I would re-assess the friendship too.

dumdidumdum Sun 03-Jan-16 11:44:13

OP: are you a bit introverted or one of those 'let's not make a fuss about stuff' people. I'm like that and find that i don't get compliments / ego boosting from friends. When i talked to a friend about it she told me it was because i came across as one of those people who she didn't need to say this kind of stuff to. Maybe it's about the outward image you are projecting.

DickDewy Sun 03-Jan-16 11:44:45

I have a friend who never, ever compliments me but copies me, constantly.

She copies my clothes, shoes and stuff in the house.

I have always put it down to jealousy.

ElsaAintAsColdAsMe Sun 03-Jan-16 11:49:47

If you underplay things all the time maybe you come across as struggling to accept a compliment?

I'm a bit like this, compliments make me feel uncomfortable, so if someone says "I like your top" my immediate reaction is to say "Oh I've had this for ages" or "it was only a fiver" rather than saying thank you.

It is very hard work giving me a compliment.

Leelu6 Sun 03-Jan-16 11:50:53

I have a collegue who compliments when I look shit (2 day old hair in a scrunchie, baggy clothes, no make-up, caterpillar eyebrows) but never when I make an effort and look good (and get compliments from other colleagues).

I know her now and I know she prefers me looking crap.

ScarlettDarling Sun 03-Jan-16 11:51:32

My 'best' friend is also like this. She never comments in a positive way on ANYTHING of mine, unless she's drunk. Infact she's gone as far as to say she hates things of mine, and when I pull her up on this, saying how rude it is, she'll simply say that she's just being honest and that we all have different tastes.

Despite all this, she seems to be in constant competition with me. When we told her we were getting plans drawn up for an extension, she did the same. When I bought a new car, so did she. Etc etc etc.

It's very tiresome but for lots of other reasons I love her, so I put up with it.

Lexigrey Sun 03-Jan-16 11:52:29

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

areyoubeingserviced Sun 03-Jan-16 11:58:04

Lexi- sometimes one tries to look for reasons as to why someone behaves a certain way. When the reason is staring you in the face.
This happens with 'friends' who resent your good fortune.Work colleagues who dislike the fact that you have been given a promotion.
In the Op's case, her 'friend's has never given her a compliment, but compliments others. This smacks of jealousy to me.

Lexigrey Sun 03-Jan-16 12:05:02

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

intothewoods Sun 03-Jan-16 12:10:14

I agree that it is too easy to say it's jealousy. I know for a fact that my mil mentioned above, isn't jealous of my house in the least. I do find it hurtful if I'm honest.

Savagebeauty Sun 03-Jan-16 12:12:04

Wish posters wouldn't drip feed.

apricotdanish Sun 03-Jan-16 12:14:27

Saying "I like your bath against the wall" isn't much of a compliment compared to raving on profusely about someone else's new home. It does sound to me as though her friend really doesn't particularly want to compliment her. I don't know whether or not it's jealousy but I don't think the OP is the problem.

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