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AIBU to think two big arguments over the Christmas hols doesn't bode well?

(15 Posts)
wibblypig1 Sat 02-Jan-16 22:59:15

DH and I have been together over 10 years. We both have some self esteem ishooos, and have had counselling/therapy but sometimes it all rears its ugly head again and I feel a bit deflated ...
This holiday we have had 2 big rows about lack of help from DH. I did all Xmas prep (bar 3 presents) without an acknowledgement and most childcare/household chores and shopping has been my responsibility all holiday. I wouldn't mind, but every holiday is determined by his moods and there's always one argument, sometimes more. The kids are getting older and more aware, I don't want them dreading holidays as I sometimes do. I work too hard to not get a break, to the extent where I considered if it would be worth having different times off! He seems to think his holidays are for him to rest, but when do I get a break? Do you have similar arguments? Is there always an argument when you're off with your DP/H?
AIBU to think this might not be the norm??

Canyouforgiveher Sat 02-Jan-16 23:07:02

it isn't the way we live.

Our kids are teens now. We both work. When the children were smaller, we both pitched in and spent time with the children/helped out etc. We looked forward to holidays because we would both be off, might each have a lie-in, would do something nice with the kids - like go on a hike/picnic/zoo - and come home to a nice dinner. I usually did the nice dinner but dh would make up in other ways. We look forward to our breaks together because we enjoy them.

I can understand a one-off of "I'm exhausted, I need to chill" (dh has a cold this hols and I let/encouraged him to stay in bed and relax) but if you feel you are carrying the heavy load on every holiday and he is just "resting" and not contributing or enjoying your time off together and your kids are also noticing this ... that isn't the ideal (it might be the norm though)

sandylion Sat 02-Jan-16 23:13:05

Not the norm here and I would not put up with it.

Griphook Sat 02-Jan-16 23:33:41

Yes feels like the norm here although I'm sure if you were to ask exdp what he thought you'd get a very different answer.
I have to say this for me is one of the main reason we are separating.

BarbarianMum Sat 02-Jan-16 23:33:41

YANBU to think that this is not the norm. It is horrible living with somebody whose unpredictable mood sets the tone of each holiday (and the holidays always seem to set them off) - I did it for the whole of my childhood and I would never live like that again flowers

greenfolder Sat 02-Jan-16 23:46:38

I am very happily married. No ishoos. Never argue. Key to happiness at Christmas is I take 2 days off before Christmas. I work at least 2 days between Xmas and new year whilst dp is at home. I always take the first dat the kids go back off just for me. Else I would kill him!

greenfolder Sat 02-Jan-16 23:48:44

I do Agee with barbarian though. My ddad was like that, I had a Clear blueprint for the marriage I would not tolerate.

wibblypig1 Sun 03-Jan-16 09:32:59

Thank you ladies. {biiiig sigh} I just wondered if it was standard. I see happy pictures on Facebook of families out and about and I wonder if they argue and that really, I'm just making niggly arguments into a bigger thing than they actually are. We get on better during the working week, as its a struggle juggling childcare drop offs and school drop offs etc and we appreciate each other's help, and it's great being at home when we are all eventually home iyswim?

Sometimes, there are underlying things that put DH in a mood, such as money, a shitty email off his boss, going back to work etc, but I've told him he is letting little things determine the success or failure of the time we have off together. I think it might be time he takes himself off to the GP again for a referral to therapy services...
Thank you again x

odyssey2001 Sun 03-Jan-16 09:56:45

DH and I have this argument about once or twice a year. Sometimes it is quite low key (10 minute blast and whinge from me and him listening / acknowledging) or an entire evening ruined with me ranting about the same thing over and over again)! But, we are not unhappy in any way shape or form.

I think getting it out in the open is far more healthy than constant passive aggression and backbiting. Facebook often exists to create an illusion, to present the reality you desire and not the one that actually exists. Ignore Facebook and ask yourself did he listen?

Marriage is about the rough and the smooth. It cannot be smooth sailing 100% of the time. Good luck but take every view on here, including mine, with a pinch of salt. This is about your relationship and everybody's will be different.

Bonkerz Sun 03-Jan-16 10:02:18

Standard here. Dh seems to forget I am a mum 24/7 and thinks his days off are for him. He lives in a bubble which I have to pop regularly to get anything returned.
I told him a few times last week that I was doing nothing on New Year's Day and eventually he took the hint and did a gorgeous roast and cleaned up after. Yesterday he did Hoover and do a tip run for me but he does need me to spell it out quite bluntly to him. He doesn't understand subtle hints!
I felt very resentful over Christmas as I had done everything and he hadn't lifted a finger but happily let the kids thank him for a great Christmas so I've told him as of next week he is contributing £10 per week to Christmas savings (separate finances here ) and also that in October we are sitting down and working out a list of what needs doing and deadlines etc.

clam Sun 03-Jan-16 10:16:32

Bonkerz, why was the hoovering and tip run "for you?"

OP, do you go out to work? If so, how come your holidays aren't for you to rest too?

LordBrightside Sun 03-Jan-16 10:19:59

He sounds like a prick.

Too often "moodiness" or "mood swings" are given as an excuse for treating other people like shit. We can't always control our feelings but we can control our behaviour.

If a low or bad mood is making other people feel anxious or shit, then that person is being a prick.

RandomMess Sun 03-Jan-16 10:26:00

Sounds like you need to look at chores and how they are shared so you both get equal leisure time...

He seems to think you do not "deserve" time off in the way he does?

wibblypig1 Sun 03-Jan-16 10:44:54

Clam yes, I do work - the equivalent of 3 days per week, plus extra work that I do after hours when the kids are in bed, most evenings.
I do the same amount around the house as when I was on maternity leave, plus somehow slot in all of the above!!
Thanks Bonkerz maybe I'm not direct enough? Good to hear I'm not alone. Thanks Odyssey too...
Thank you for your replies - the different opinions and perspectives are helping me, and yes, I know Facebook makes everything look rosy, but I just want to know what's normal and what's not... I know couples argue but I just wondered how frequently and intensely compared to my own. Trying to work out if it's all a storm in a teacup or truly awful. I sometimes fantasise about being with someone else just to see if the same issues arose with them or if it would be more harmonious wink

Grilledaubergines Sun 03-Jan-16 10:59:29

OP, regardless of anything else, don't take Fakebook as the benchmark. I have friends who do the photos and "my lovely Lully little family" and life is not good or happy for them.

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