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To ask for help in turning the mess that is my life around for the new year

(37 Posts)
fitforflighting Sat 02-Jan-16 17:43:27

Have posted under another name as don't want to risk exh linking posts.
Long long story.
Left awful ex some years ago after getting married ridiculously young into what turned out to be an abusive marriage.
Have Gcses and an NVQ but nothing else. First time I went to uni I had to stop because I ended up very seriously ill. Went back under false start rules and abusive then husband forced me to stop going so I cannot retrain at uni.
Now on my own with two children. One who has special needs.

Hate where I live but cannot afford to move.

Have been working self employed for years due to child who has special needs. I myself have arthritis and bladder issues.

Work situation is really crap suddenly. Am living on a very very low amount.
Have just borrowed money from my elderly parents as got home after new year and the electricity had run out.
I have just had to tell SN dc that they can no longer go to the amazing club they love as I I have had to stop it as can no longer afford.

I cannot work anything out of school hours due to sn dc and I cannot find school based hours.

I'm stuck, depressed, five stone overweight, at rock bottom and I need to change my life but do not even know where to begin.

I need ideas on wtf I can do to improve our lives and live rather than exist.

fitforflighting Sat 02-Jan-16 17:45:33

Just to add I would love to work 40 hours a week again but there I no childcare locally to us for a teenage child with SN.

Timeandtune Sat 02-Jan-16 17:53:27

Just a few wee suggestions as I expect others will be along shortly with more relevant advice.

Have you had a benefits check to see if you are getting everything you are entitled to? Your local CAB can do this.

Do you have any respite for your SN child? If not I would highly recommend exploring this with social work.

Are you part of a carers' group? Again I would highly recommend joining one for mutual support.

Finally a huge well done for doing what you do and having the insight to seek help when you need it.
Good luck.

timelytess Sat 02-Jan-16 17:54:39

Start small. Look for free online courses and complete them to boost your morale. Look for anything you can get for free locally, there might be activities suitable for your teenager. Do the little things you can do, and let other things take care of themselves.

notquitehuman Sat 02-Jan-16 17:59:15

I'm not great at advice threads, but I'm sure some others will have ideas for you! A couple of things that stand out:

Could you get respite care for teenager with SN? This might free you up so you can work or study.
Are there any clubs or groups nearby they could go to after school?
Even if you dropped out of uni you might still be able to go back, especially if you were forced to quit because of your personal situation. You'd be getting a maintenance loan etc to live on.
Are there any extra things you could do in the evening for cash? If you can string a sentence together then you could join sites such as Textbroker and make money writing.

I wish you well. Life can be so tough sometimes. flowers

Geraniumred Sat 02-Jan-16 18:01:10

Baby steps. What one fairly easy thing would make you feel your life was a bit better. Start with that.

Babyroobs Sat 02-Jan-16 18:06:24

Do you get DLA fr SN child If not you should apply for that which will get you extra tax credits. As pp says go to CAB for a benefits check.

agapimou Sat 02-Jan-16 18:06:28

Can you write? I make a fairly good income from freelancing on a content site. I can send you details if you're interested. Hope things get better soon flowers

redexpat Sat 02-Jan-16 18:17:58

Are there any charitable groups that woild find or partislly fund the amazing group? If you go to a library and ask for the big book that lists all charity funds they will know what you mean xx

fitforflighting Sat 02-Jan-16 18:38:30

Ok get no respite.
Get lowest rate dla don't think I get extra tax credits but not entirely sure. SN dc currently has appointments every 4 to 6 weeks and about to go back to another department so that will increase.
There is nothing where we live. No groups, no community centre, no afterschool for secondary children. Up until three years ago after school club went till 6pm so prior to dc being born and up to SN dc leaving primary I have worked full time from age 17 to 35 for 40 plus hours apart from the year I became very ill so I hate not doing so and feeling so stuck.

LetThereBeCupcakes Sat 02-Jan-16 18:41:54

Do you know what your ideal job would be?

fitforflighting Sat 02-Jan-16 18:42:48

Aga I would be very grateful for any links.

fitforflighting Sat 02-Jan-16 18:48:54

I had my ideal job at one point. I worked backstage in musical theatre for some years. I carried on with when I left exh as I moved to live with my parent for a while.

By the time we moved to our own home my parents became too old to look after the children as the hours were 12 noon until 11pm so I changed to office work.

Timeandtune Sat 02-Jan-16 18:53:38

Me again. You say you don't like where you live. Can I ask do you own/ rent? I might be able to advise on options for moving.

Sunnyshores Sat 02-Jan-16 19:18:04

what course did you want to do? and what job ideally?

Are there national charities dealing with the type of SN Dc has? They may put you in touch with other parents in area. Or, there may be volunteering opportunities.

Alternatively perhaps losing weight is an easier place to start (personally I dont think so hmm. You may then have more energy, be more confident and assertive when opportunities come your way. I plan to walk the dog an hour a day and see where that leads.

You say you're depressed. Have you seen your GP?

You dont like your home - the area or the actual property? Would a fresh paint job help, decluttering, plant some flowers?

Hold tight, you can start somewhere with something and other action will follow flowers

Cloppysow Sat 02-Jan-16 19:29:46

Are you sure you can't go back with the false start thing? I got bursary for 3rd attempt.
Also could be worth talking to uni to see if there is any financial help available there.

Cloppysow Sat 02-Jan-16 19:30:18

Sorry, meant student loan and fees paid.

figureofspeech Sat 02-Jan-16 20:43:50

The Open University has a free course site where you can download old modules for free. You could build up your confidence slowly and then transfer to completing a proper online degree course. Call them and ask if you can transfer your old university course credits to the OU. This will save you time & money in gaining a degree. Most universities are flexible about people's individual circumstances. So it's worth speaking to the OU and your old university.

Open learn free course

Open university main site

Also, have you had a look at the mumsnet job section specifically for parents/ those seeking more flexible hours.

Do you get carers allowance for your dc?

fitforflighting Sat 02-Jan-16 20:52:53

Cloppy did you start year one 3 times?
Figure ohh thank you. Will have a look at open uni old units. I have lost my confidence somewhat (thanks exh) so that is fab.

We are in rented. The flat is tiny but ok but there's just nothing and no support or community here and I am terribly isolated.

I do not get carers. Wasn't even sure I could as we only get lower rate DLA.

Above all I would like to go back to backstage theatre but day time only jobs are very rare there. I am determined to go back when dc is 16 though as ironically there I masses of support her for post 16 sn. Maybe not as physical as I did before but could still do some roles.

In-between no idea. I guess still office work!

DaftVader36 Sat 02-Jan-16 21:02:42

I know this sounds really small, but a great place to start is to go for a walk for 30 minutes every day. It won't solve any of your problems, but it will almost certainly make you feel better. (Physically and mentally).

And bananas have something in them that make you feel better too. (Honestly, not being flippant).

Cloppysow Sat 02-Jan-16 21:15:05

3 different courses but yes.

agapimou Sat 02-Jan-16 21:38:04

Will pm you

ExAstris Sat 02-Jan-16 21:44:49

What area of the country are you in and how far would you be willing to move? People may be able to recommend areas with more community/facilities/suitable jobs.

General things to help lift your mood:
:: as PP have said, exercise
:: B vitamins (the whole set) - you can't overdose as they're water soluble (so your body excretes any excess) so gradually up your dose until your wee turns green then drop back to the previous dose
:: make sure you're getting enough sleep and a good diet with plenty of fruit and veg

I have clinical depression, but the above, along with being mindful of my self-talk, keep me from going back on anti-d's.

Midlandsmom Sat 02-Jan-16 21:58:39

Someone I know who runs a small business uses virtual assistants from a website called Time etc. He says it is good for people who want to earn money around looking after children.

Search for Time etc on Google.

I hope this may be a good idea for you x

DancingDuck Sat 02-Jan-16 21:59:16

Hi OP,

You need to regain a sense of control of your life, a sense that it has direction and purpose, and a sense of fun and optimism for the short and long term.

I can't help much with the practical stuff, but others can. Attitude counts for so much, though. First, I think it's really important that you evaluate the powerful and positive choices you are already making. You are focusing on providing good and constant support to your SN teen. That is a massive plus for your DC and a huge credit to you. You are already doing this. Give yourself credit for it. Because of it, other choices are limited at the moment.

But can you work on a five year plan to, say, get back into back stage work? Ask at local theatres to see if they need a dresser specifically for matinees. They'll probably say no, but might not. In a few years time you may be able to get back in this way. Ask if they need a day time wardrobe or props assistant to do laundry and costume maintenance. You could do similar at local professional sports clubs - ask if they need a kit lady.

I also suffer from depression and find that tiny adjustments make every day life far better. Start each day on a positive note: stretches, lively music on, a big glass of water and a healthy breakfast. Stick on a washload/tiny the kitchen. get out and get some exercise asap, even just walking DC to school. These things will make you feel like you are heading in a good direction regarding your health and weight, and will have a knock-on effect.

At the end of each day write down what was good about the day - however small - maybe you had your 5 a day (even though you also overate other stuff) but put it down. Maybe you did some work, helped Dc with homework, tidied up etc. make a list of what you do get done and you will start to reprogramme yourself to believe you are capable.

Making tiny changes, especially decluttering so there is no junk, broken stuff, stuff with bad associations, truly hideous frumpy clothes etc around any longer can really help too. Makes you feel in control.

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