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To feel left out by friends?

(51 Posts)
smellslikemeanspirit Sat 02-Jan-16 09:18:00

At risk of sounding childish, I'm part of a group of friends who've known each other for 9 years. Obv some of the friends are closer than others but when meeting up normally everyone's asked.theyve started leaving one woman out but she found out and it didn't seem to bother her. Over Christmas 4 of them got together, didn't invite me and then posted photos on social media. Aibu to feel a bit hurt? Feels like being back at school tbh

rookiemere Sat 02-Jan-16 09:21:13

How big is the total group?

If it's say 8 or more then I think it's totally normal for a small number to meet up. It's difficult to arrange gatherings for large numbers and I find it much easier to chat in small groups.

Do you take your turn in organising/initiating gathering?

smellslikemeanspirit Sat 02-Jan-16 09:23:48

There's 7 of us-we often meet for coffee in 3's etc due to work but nights out are generally all of us meeting up. The night over Christmas was with the ones I'd have considered myself closest

Joolsy Sat 02-Jan-16 09:26:15

Ah that's really hard and very thoughtless to put pics on social media! I'd drop the one you're closest to a text, just asking if there was a reason why you weren't invited? Do they live closer to each other than you?

Birdsgottafly Sat 02-Jan-16 09:27:36

How did you feel and what did you do about leaving the other woman out?

Was it just ignored in the group?

rookiemere Sat 02-Jan-16 09:28:29

Ok so next step I would say is to arrange a meet up yourself.

Their get together may have happened organically, they may have arranged it when out for coffee, you just don't know, but the best way to handle it imho is to be the organiser for the next get together.

smellslikemeanspirit Sat 02-Jan-16 09:34:46

I thought it was harsh to leave the other one out and said so at the time, but the one who organised it said it was her house & she didn't want to ask her. I'm fairly quiet and don't like confrontation so am waiting for them to make the first move. Maybe that's my problem. But after 9 years as friends we all know each other's personalities

rookiemere Sat 02-Jan-16 09:42:35

Ok there's the problem.

They probably didn't want to invite other person on night out and knew that by inviting you they would have to invite everyone as you'd maybe bring it up.

I've more or less stopped going on big group nights out as there is always one person who might be perfectly pleasant when sober, but with alchohol turns into a big sodden bore and that might be this person.

You say you're fairly quiet - I'm suspecting that might translate into you aren't often the person who initiates things. If you want regular meet ups then I find that the best way to ensure you are included is to organise it.

I wouldn't be texting anyone btw to ask why you weren't included, I can't see anything good coming of that.

Theydontknowweknowtheyknow Sat 02-Jan-16 09:48:57

I second rookiemere's theory. It sounds like they are seeing you as being loyal to the ostracised friend and don't want her to know.

Are you still close with this friend?

Theydontknowweknowtheyknow Sat 02-Jan-16 09:51:12

Another vote to saying don't text as snippiness and paranoia won't help your case.

I would say send out an invitation for everyone to do something you organise to set the tone for everyone being included.

smellslikemeanspirit Sat 02-Jan-16 10:00:37

The left out one can be very 'me me me' which is why no one really argued her case. I just feel like I can't be bothered now as friends shouldn't treat each other this way. The social media post was very' my best friends, friends for life' captions All a bit schoolgirl for me.

TheBunnyOfDoom Sat 02-Jan-16 10:02:07

Do you ever organise nights out for everyone?

smellslikemeanspirit Sat 02-Jan-16 10:02:53

And yes, was worried about paranoia, hence the post!

smellslikemeanspirit Sat 02-Jan-16 10:04:43

No I don't organise, maybe that's part of the problem. But then, in groups, one person tends to be the organiser I find, so she is now calling the shots! Hate myself for sounding so pathetic. But this is helping, thanks for your opinions

daisychain01 Sat 02-Jan-16 10:13:52

Sounds tedious and more trouble than its worth with you having to keep up with the group's activities secondhand thru social media. All that 'best friends' labelling is very playground, I agree!

Once the group dynamic changes it's difficult to put the genie back in the bottle. It can never go back to being what it used to be sadly.

Maybe New Year New Friends in 2016?

Main thing is don't react, just place distance between you and the situation. It doesn't really matter in the grand scheme of things. But it can feel crap at the time sad

GreyBird84 Sat 02-Jan-16 10:14:52

Have had similar OP & it's really very very hurtful.

There were a couple of ring leaders & I just stepped back but as I don't want involved in any drama then the others who I thought were my friends swayed more to the sociable 2. I just reclined into myself as its a big elephant in the room & I dont know what to say to them.

It's really knocked my confidence & im extremely introverted now.

I deleted my Facebook which helped massively. It's so embarrassing as it's very obvious that you are being left out - photos posted etc.

So I understand but I have no advice for how to remedy it.

I didn't want to start organising things as without the 2 who have an issue with me I wasn't convinced the others would want to meet up with me - pathetic I know ! Just seems pathetic tit for tat. FWIW On the odd occasion I organised things b4 things got so bad I invited everybody.

I'm just not putting myself out there to be hurt so I am very happy & breezy with everybody when I bump into them.

Flamingflume Sat 02-Jan-16 10:29:29

Are these friends you met through your children?
I am asking because I have only ever encountered this sort of behaviour when people part of a group through their children.

smellslikemeanspirit Sat 02-Jan-16 10:38:12

Yes they are! I just find it very strange, why grown women (almost 40 yo) would behave like this. And it's awkward as I'll have to see one at school on Tuesday when the children go back. I feel I should ignore the behaviour but I also feel like ignoring her. I think it's probably, as others have said-step back time-life's too short for 'friends' like that.

Queenbean Sat 02-Jan-16 10:40:55

I'm part of a group of 8 of us, we have a whatsapp group and any social invitations just go on there. We also talk an awful lot of shit on there too / send pics etc. It keeps us in touch much more than texting each individual and naturally, people in the group are closer than others.

Can you set up a whatsapp group and invite everyone out? It can be difficult to continue to invite someone out if the invitation / chat is never initiated back

smellslikemeanspirit Sat 02-Jan-16 10:48:19

We do have a whatsapp group but not everyone is on it. It's not sounding like a real group of friends this is it?! I need to be careful in case any of them are on here!

BuildMoreHouses Sat 02-Jan-16 10:48:57

Don't ignore anyone.

The best thing I have done (looking back at these types of friendships in my community) is to continue social pleasantries. A couple of years down the line I don't remember many details but we can all still say hi at school events or whenever flung together.

Flamingflume Sat 02-Jan-16 10:57:35


It's shocking isn't it? I read a great post on here once where someone explained that there is normally one leader 'organiser' who calls the shots and the others just go along with it for fear of being ousted themselves. Those people start finding fault in the ousted person in order to feel OK about being comliplicit in ousting a friend.

Back away for your own sanity and enjoy forming new friendships this year.

Back away....

smellslikemeanspirit Sat 02-Jan-16 11:11:11

Thanks everyone, you've helped me put things in perspective. I've unfollowed but not unfriended 2 of them on fbk which has helped.

MagicalMrsMistoffelees Sat 02-Jan-16 11:16:36

The Facebook thing of posting photos with 'best friends forever' captions is very deliberate. It's used by bullies to isolate and hurt people whilst at the same time they can argue that's it's all totally innocent.

I deleted my FB account two years ago and it was such a relief! No more having to witness pathetic showing off, boasting, passive aggressive nastiness, bickering etc.

I really advise you to delete your account too.

smellslikemeanspirit Sat 02-Jan-16 11:50:21

I have considered deleting it as I agree with you about the boasting etc. It's been a relief not to constantly see their 'love you hun' posts every few hours

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