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To be pissed off with stepdaughter, DH thinks so.

(218 Posts)
Munchkins1316 Thu 31-Dec-15 19:05:20

All right, this is just a small thing but it's sort of the whole straw = camels back thing so bear with me.

I've had some expensive toiletries bought me for Christmas. I'm not a special snowflake but I have extremely sensitive skin and there is only one brand that fits in with my animal testing ethos AND doesn't leave me looking like a creature from Hellraiser.

My sister bought me a bottle of said favourite shower gel and some other bits for Christmas.

I had a lovely bath about an hour ago and then sd jumped in and ran one after me.

As a bit of background Sd knows she can ask me for anything she needs/wants and I've always given it to her. She is 13.

I've just been in the bathroom and my brand new, barely used by me shower gel has gone, all gone. It was filled with some water and shook to make it look full.

This upset me a) it was a Christmas present barely used b) Why didn't she ask me to use some c) why on earth use an ENTIRE bottle then fill it up with water to trick me!

If it had been Dd I would have gone mad but because it's dsd I have to walk on a tightrope.

I was going to say something along the lines of 'Dsd sweetie why didnt you ask to use my stuff, and why did you use a whole bottle'.

However upon mentioning I was a bit upset to DH when he came upstairs it transpires I am just being an evil stepmother. Apparently she wouldn't have known it was mine (despite it being in my cupboard and me being the only person ever in the house that uses said clearly different brand) and it's totally normal to use an entire bottle of shower gel.

I've just been made to feel out of order if I say anything.

Like I would have been out of order to mention to her to stop leaving chewing gum stuck everywhere around the house where toddler DD can get it.

Like I would have been out of order to say anything to her about the awful things she says to me sometimes when we are alone.

I have to ignore her sneakily pinching dd because I've been made to feel I can't say fucking anything.

I'm trying, I really am. Every time I start to feel like things are going ok she does something sneaky like this that makes me wonder whether it's all in my head. Things dd wouldn't get away with I feel I can't say to her or DH and Mil think I'm evil for wanting to.

I even borrowed money from my mum to help get her a ps4 this year.

Most of the time she's lovely, it's just these little things that keep happening.

Am I a step monster?

Not the ow by the way. Met DH years after he was left by sd's mum.

Postitblue Thu 31-Dec-15 19:08:08

Little shit. YANBU.

SevenOfNineTrue Thu 31-Dec-15 19:09:36


OddSocksHighHeels Thu 31-Dec-15 19:10:39

I don't think she should need to ask to use anything in the bathroom personally. However, nobody uses an entire bottle of shower gel in one go so she either did that on purpose (and then tried to hide it) or accidentally emptied it (depends on bottle type).

YWNBU to talk to her about it and certainly not evil. You need to attempt a rational discussion with DH about it. And pinching is never acceptable, she definitely needs to know that.

Motherwithflaws Thu 31-Dec-15 19:11:14


JoanFerguson Thu 31-Dec-15 19:11:15

She leaves chewing gum stuck places round the house?!

llhj Thu 31-Dec-15 19:11:49

It's the deceit that's so inacceptable. If she'd just taken it and left it empty that would be thoughtless and irritating but by filling it up, she's demonstrated that she knows she's been out of order. I'd be asking for a replacement.

Munchkins1316 Thu 31-Dec-15 19:11:53

Don't pull any punches Postitblue 😄

That would have been my first thought with dd too.

That's why I'm confused, I thought I was supposed to treat dsd like my own daughter which I do (though not stepping on mums toes obviously)

But when it comes to things like this I'm not allowed to treat her like I would my own child.

I just wanted to calmly let her know that I was upset and a bit annoyed, not take a belt to her!

To be honest at the minute I'm now more angry with DH for not being in any way supportive or understanding at all.

He is quick enough to tell dd off...

DoingTheBestICan Thu 31-Dec-15 19:12:19

YANBU it sounds to me like the little madam has used it all on purpose. Can you seriously not say anything to her?

Especially pinching your dd, that's horrible.

prettybird Thu 31-Dec-15 19:13:41

Get your dh to buy you a new bottle of said shower gel. Make it clear to him that he needs to have a word with his dd about belongings - and that using a whole bottle of any shower gel is not acceptable.

She clearly knew that what she did was wrong - otherwise why re-fill the bottle?

Allbymyselfagain Thu 31-Dec-15 19:13:42

Definitely not BU but then I once got absolutely slated for saying my children and friends would not be allowed my expensive chocolates (that I treat myself to once every 6 months) unless I knew they would actually appreciate them and not just stuff them in, that's what dairy milk is for!

When something is a treat, it should be appreciated. Using a whole bottle isn't appreciating something.

Postitblue Thu 31-Dec-15 19:14:59

Lol apologies - first glass of wine kicking in smile just seems a piss take; is she trying to wind you up? I think you should defo explain the cost and the fact it was a personal gift so she sees why you are not impressed

MrsJayy Thu 31-Dec-15 19:15:06

I would be really pissed off yanbu why didnt her dad tell her off ?

Birdsgottafly Thu 31-Dec-15 19:15:47

Of course you can ask her about it and find out what happened.

If your DH carries on down this path, it won't benefit you or your DSD.

MrsJayy Thu 31-Dec-15 19:17:00

Oh i think i was on that chocolate thread and you got pelters I was on your side

MrsUniverse Thu 31-Dec-15 19:17:15

Tell her off. And tell your 'D' H to fuck off. It's selfish and deliberately nasty.

KingJoffreyLikesJaffaCakes Thu 31-Dec-15 19:17:20

I wouldn't live somewhere where my child was being pinched.

I'd leave. Pack up with your DD and leave.

FeliciaJollygoodfellow Thu 31-Dec-15 19:17:29

She's 13. I'd tell my four year old off for that and I'd tell my DSS (14) as well.

YANBU your DH certainly is.

Spilose Thu 31-Dec-15 19:18:45

YANBU and you need to tackle this now. You cannot be tiptoeing around your own home, that is ridiculous. You OH needs to step up

Munchkins1316 Thu 31-Dec-15 19:19:12

Odd socks it wasn't in the bathroom, it was in my wardrobe in the bedroom. We have shelves in there for shoes that I use for my makeup toiletries etc. (To make room for dd's bath toys 😄)

Yes she leaves it in balls on the floor, stuck to the bottom of baby wipes etc. She did it at my mums house too.

I know it sounds all negative but she really can be bloody lovely. It's just things like this, I feel like I can't say anything about what goes on in my own house when she's here!

It really is starting to get to me that DH will pull our dd up on every little thing, say she's spoilt etc. She is two.

But Sd can leave crap around the house, choking hazards wherever she wants, tipee the bathroom in toilet paper, soak the bathroom floor and walls, fuck knows how (if dd splashes in the bath he goes mad and says it will ruin the floor!)

It's just all these double standards I haven't really noticed until dd got older. Now it's driving me crazy!

I swear on all that is good I'm doing my best to be a good step mother. I'm no Mary poppins but I want things to be fair.

They just aren't at the minute. And without making myself the villain in DH and sd's panto I don't know what I can do.

whois Thu 31-Dec-15 19:19:23

Your DH is the problem here. He's shit at parenting his older child and he's being a shit parent to his younger child.

Never, ever put up with your younger one being pinched. That has to stop. She has to feel safe on her own house.

Grilledaubergines Thu 31-Dec-15 19:19:23

YANBU. You don't use things which aren't yours to use.

Is it possible at all that she had an accident and dropped the bottle in the bath, it emptied and that's why she refilled with water.

Either way, I don't think it's up to her father to decide whether you should mention it. You're pissed off and within your rights to raise it with her.

Nightzone Thu 31-Dec-15 19:19:25

You should be more annoyed at your DH

Friendlystories Thu 31-Dec-15 19:20:40

No YANBU and DH should be backing you up. How much is DSD with you and are you expected to care for her while she's at your house? If you are then it's absolutely U to expect you to care for her without being able to discipline her if she does something wrong. Is DH scared she'll stop coming if she's not allowed to get away with whatever she likes or that the ex will stop contact if DSD tells her mum she's been told off? It does sound like DSD is pushing the boundaries with you specifically and you and DH need to have a calm discussion about discipline and presenting a united front. I would do that when DSD isn't there and after you've calmed down about the shower gel incident but it does need to be done.

AddictedtoGreys Thu 31-Dec-15 19:22:37

YANBU. My DSD and DS get treated the same in my house, if DSD does something DS would normally get told off for, she gets told off for it too. I don't want DS or DSD growing up thinking DSD gets special treatment. And I also think that when she is here she is part of our family and should show the same respect and boundaries as DS does.

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