Wibu to say next time a weekend is enough?(19 Posts)
I know ILs are a sensitive issue but every visit from them sends my blood pressure sky high. When my mum comes, she will come for a weekend but when the IL's come, they come for a week or so. They are from another country and we only speak their language when we are here which is fine because I do want my kids to be exposed to both sides of their heritage. what bothers me is that as a solitary person, I do value my space. Fil finds it perfectly acceptable to nose in every nook and cranny of the house, including my bedroom without knocking. I have caught him in the past searching through my purse. MIL constantly gets in my children's face telling them how to sit, eat and behave. At the dinner table, she goads my elder son who eats like a bird. I do worry about him and we have chatted about his lack of eating but having MIL scrutinise him every meal time does not help. She tries to spoon feed him FFS. He is 9! Then she eats his leftovers.
They break something every time they are here. Last time MIL broke our chaise Longue as she was too heavy for it. I heard the enormous crack yet she didn't even admit to it! Another time I found coffee stains all up the wall and carpet in the guest room which they didn't even tell me about. They think they have a say in what we do, buy, etc etc. you get the picture. By day two I have had enough and start getting stroppy with dh. If there were no kids, I'd be NC. I haven't forgiven how MIL treated me the day step father died. There is a long back story. Sorry for the rambling. I have until New Year's Day late with them. Luckily DH is off this time but usually he leaves me with them and goes to work.
Wibu to say next time it is Friday-Sunday or nothing, or am I to feel like I can't relax every time they are here?
Hotels, marvellous inventions. Also, 'would be lovely to see you, but we are visiting friends for 3 days while you are here, we've booked you a B and B so you can see something of the country. '
I would've booted them out of the house when I caught the FIL in my purse!
Of course you're not unreasonable. For one thing, how come they visit when your husband's at work? No way. He is their son; he should be the one to deal with them.
I really feel for you but the chaise lounge made me LOL.
Agree be "busy" part of the time.
As a solitary person also, I agree and don't find you UR.
My MIL is a nice lady. No arguments etc but I can't have any time alone with DP whilst she's here. She hovers, constantly. Even in our bedroom. If we are popping out, she comes too. I enjoy my own time and space and after a very busy year I value time with DP so I know how you feel.
She too only comes for week(s) rather than long weekends. She lives in Europe so we don't see her often. But by day 3 I'm really ready to not have guests. And it becomes obvious with DP I've had enough.
I'm due to go on maternity leave in 2016, I've said I dont want anyone staying over whilst I'm finding my feet with a new born. Especially not for weeks at a time. If she wants to come and stay she can for a night or 2 and then we'll put her up in a hotel. Not because I'm being a shit. But because selfishly, with this being our first, I don't want someone there whilst I'm at home and trying to bond with a new born baby and find my feet.
No help, but just wanted you to know you are not alone.
Your FIL walks into your bedroom without knocking What a pervy weirdo. Make them stay in a hotel!
YA absolutely NBU. The nosing in your purse and the damage they cause are perfectly good reasons, and it is ridiculous that they come mostly to see your DH and he is then out at work most of the time. Given that background, even Friday to Sunday seems excessive to me - much better to say that they will have to stay in a hotel. But if you feel you have to have them to stay, lock your room and the DCs', follow them round and stop them every time they start nosing amongst your things, intervene every time they start telling your children off, and ask them how they will be paying for the damage they cause.
get a door stop and shove it under your bedroom door when you're in there it stops my kids barging in
seriously i hope your husband had a word with his dad after him rooting through your purse
Are they coming from overseas every time? If so, it might be a bit unreasonable, depending on how long the flight is, to expect them to come only overnight - fine Europe-UK, less fine China, say, -UK. But if not - absolutely not: remember, guests and fish stink after three days!
My parents have just been visiting from Australia for a month. They split their time between several locations, but aware of the difficulties of staying at our house especially as my father is unwell and getting more difficult to cope with, elected to book a hotel room whenever they were visiting us. There were some disadvantages to this but I have to admit a lot of advantages too, even though I felt guilty!
Fil finds it perfectly acceptable to nose in every nook and cranny of the house ... I have caught him in the past searching through my purse.
Anyone doing that in my house would be out on their ear.
At the dinner table, she goads my elder son who eats like a bird. 'MIL, stop it. Leave him alone. <<hard stare>>' Repeat as needed.
Luckily DH is off this time but usually he leaves me with them and goes to work. Fuck off out yourself with the kids. Leave them to it.
Seriously, you don't need to tolerate any of this.
For points one and two, your DH needs to be on board as well. He needs to tell HIS father not to look through other people's things and HIS mother not to goad his children.
Luckily DH is off this time but usually he leaves me with them and goes to work.
This is partly your problem. Insist that he takes matching time off and I think you'll find that miraculously their visits are shorter...
They sound fucking horrendous. I would tell your DH that it's no more.
Thank you for your replies. The problem is, any time DH takes off eats into our time as a family for holidays. They are only an hour flight away, both of us v close to airports so not really that far. I have told FIL my private things, my space but these seem to go ignored. Dh is better at telling them these days but not enough. I have tried so very hard to have a good relationship with MIL but she is just toxic back so I have taken a step back. They barely talk directly to me anyway unless they are fishing for info. I feel like I have to be able to deal with them a bit, as they do have a right to a relationship with their son and grandchildren. Ps their other son, who lives in the same city as them have minimal contact. It was refreshing to hear BILs partner tell me MIL was a psychopath when dh had led me to believe for years it was all in my head 😔
Do you not work? Is that why his time off eats into family time? TBH I'd be willing to trade that in your situation. And, if your DH also wants to maintain this family time (and I'll assume he does), and also doesn't want to be at home when they visit, then he may well magically decide that their visits should be minimised.
And you/your DH just need to keep on telling them 'my private things, my space'. It's not good enough for him to ignore this. On a practical level you could put locks on all but the social rooms, but I think on a point of principle he must learn that it isn't OK to snoop into private rooms and belongings.
Would he ignore you if you caught him looking through your purse and told him to leave? Maybe such a blunt approach is the only one that they'll listen to.
I have actually gone back to work but term time only...this is their first visit since I went back work so if they would come back again, they would be alone in the house...I am uncomfortable with that. FIL would be in our garage rooting around and MIL well god knows but they like to sit around doing nothing. I might have to get blunt. I did tell him off this morning but he just said I was mean.
The way forward is to get tough for sure. I simply don't want them alone in the house
I did tell him off this morning but he just said I was mean.
OK, well he's your problem then.
I hear you about not wanting to leave them alone in the house, but I'd be tempted to get locks for every room but the bathroom, kitchen and living room and use them. Just to make the point.
Actually, sorry, do you mean you told off your DH or FIL? I was assuming DH, so ignore me if you meant FIL!
If it WAS FIL who told you you were mean, just reply 'No. You do not snoop into my private space and you do not go through people's belongings.' Answer any further 'how mean' whining with a blank but firm face and a firm calm 'No.' Clearly reasonable rational discussion won't cut it, so treat him like a dog instead.
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