to think my friend is being unreasonable? Or am I?(21 Posts)
Bit of background - my friend has been in a relationship for over 15 years and has two DC. There have been problems pretty much the whole duration. Her partner is difficult at best, emotionally abusive at worst and it has been getting worse. I have tried to support her through all the ups and down and listened to her be unhappy for so long but supported her when she tried to make it work. She has finally decide to leave him but he resisted and emotional abuse to her and DC has been increasing and she felt suicidal but had no energy to sort things out. So I decided to step up support. I called her brother who lives in another country to ask him to give her support so she would not feel alone. I helped her get a lawyer and went with her to see the lawyer and tried to do as much research to help her get out of it as best possible as she was settling for less than she was entitled to. Her husband was refusing to sign the divorce papers and was not wanting to give her a fair share of their assets. Lawyer advised her to ensure she got what she was entitled to as she would need to house herself and her husband and not end up in a situation where he had a house plus assets and she could not even get a place over her head. Her partner had been telling her she was destroying her children's lives making her feel bad so she not want to demand more. I was desperate for her not to end with too little to live for and end in poverty and have to rely on his whim and power games for any longer but she was not listening to me or lawyer. So called brother again and asked him to help drum some sense into her head. I saw her after this and did not mention to her. But her brother told her so she came to see me a few days ago and was furious saying I betrayed her by talking about her behind her back, keeping secrets and she could not trust me anymore. She was so mad it was more her yelling and not listening to my side of things when I tried to explain that I felt it was the right thing to do for her she walked out. I have known her for 24 years and we are in London without our families so are very close. I see her as a sister and godmother to her child. Emotional abuse and being depressed have become very normal for her but I felt I had to do anything I could to help it stop once and for all. I do feel she is diverting her emotions into anger towards me. My grandmother just died and I have to deal with funeral next week plus been a bit down physically and emotionally the last few weeks so I can't quite figure out if it was really that terrible of me to call her brother and should feel bad about that?
Sorry for long post.
Frankly you shouldn't have kept on interfering by ringing her brother. You sound very immersed in her life. I suggest you live your own life.
You have been a very good friend but you should have told her you called her Brother.
As heartbreaking as it is for you to watch, at the end of the day she is an adult and there is only so much you can do.
It sounds like you have overstepped a line here and the best thing you can do now to help is to acknowledge this and make a big apology to her. She will need her friends and will hopefully appreciate that you were doing it from love and let you back in.
It sounds like a damned if you do and damned if you don't situation OP. I'd leave it. We can only do so much. I wouldn't apologise either.
YANBU, OP. I would have done the same. If only she could channel that anger she feels towards you to the proper recipient - her partner.
I would give her some time. She will realise that you only called her brother out of love for her.
You dound like an amazing friend
Thanks for the replies. If it had been my real sister I would have done the same out of love for her and wanting to help. She had never talked of being suicidal before so I guess I panicked a bit and felt the need to act. I did not tell her immediately about her brother because I thought that 1) she would then not take him serious either and/or 2) get angry at him. I was not particularly thinking about keeping it secret.
Tiggeryyoubastard out of curiosity if your friend was in this situation would you really do nothing? It has been hard for me not to be immersed in her life as she has talked about her situation with me for hours on end when she was upset. I actually asked her if she wanted my help as I did not want to interfere too much and she said yes. So maybe I helped in a way she did not want but with best intentions. Helpful to hear third party views although opposing views so that does not help my confusion :-).
mmmmcake it did initially as after first time she told me he had called and it seems to have given her a boost and she seemed much stronger. In times like these it is hard to cope without family. I know I have been there myself. Maybe thats why I asked him to help again as her older brother who she looks up to. Don't know if I should regret it or not. If in any way he had helped her get a better outcome maybe it was worth it for her and our relationship going sour…..
I think you have been an amazing friend. I think her anger is just her taking out the embarrassment of the fact that her brother is now worried about her on you. Once she has time to calm down and realise that it's because you and her brother both love her she will probably thank you. I have a difficult relationship and my brother lives in another country, if my best friend rang him I would also be pretty grumpy to start as I would be worried about my brother worrying about me but in the end I would appreciate the sentiments.
Agree, about her transferring her anger on to you, rather than the rightful object.
Could you write her a letter? Just tell her how much you love her and miss her, and how broken-hearted you have been seeing her so distressed for so long, h much u wanted her to have the happy life she and her children so deserve, and how sorry you are to have upset her even more. Tell her you will always be there for her. She may not respond immediately, or even at all, but she will know that you are there when she needs you. She will need you, and with luck your genuinely remorseful letter will allow her to contact you without embarrassment or anxiety.
I think SIBU but understandably so. Chances are she's feeling extremely pressured, from you, the solicitor, the wanker she's with, and now her brother, and it's all getting too much for her to deal with/bear.
So she's taken it out on you, because you're the safest option. She can't take it out on her H, because he's abusive; and the solicitor is a professional whom she can't attack either.
What you probably need to do now is take a step back, take the pressure off her, and let her come back to this, as I truly hope she will. She's clearly feeling extremely beleaguered at the moment.
Do I think you were wrong to call her brother? No, but I do think you should have told her you had done so. So apologise for that, at least. And let her know you're still and always there for her when she's ready to do battle with her partner again.
A family member is in a relationship that is just set to ruin her life she leaves goes back hates him loves him it goes round in circles. I have learnedly lesson and stay well out of it I always come out the worst
YANBU but it is now time to step away from her. She needs to sort this out on her own and make her own mistakes.
It is clear you care for her very much but she is now directing her angry feelings at you and you should not let that continue.
Sorry about your Grandmother
She should understand that you can't provide all the support she needs alone and need her family to step up too. And also that when she is talking about suicide you can't necessarily keep that secret and may need to reach out to get help for her. I would apologise but I understand why you did it. I think it's time to take a step back. Your grandmother just died, you need to focus on you and your family right now. Your friend won't be able to provide the emotional support that you need because of what she is going through and also seems to be taking her issues out on you. You have done a nice thing by helping her but she isn't solely your responsibility and her family are involved now.
Thanks for the kind words and advise. First time I have posted personal stuff on MN. Normally I just use it for practical information on appliances and school stuff! Made me tearful so l guess people are right saying I was too involved. But will also take advise to step back a bit and apologize for making her upset and hopefully when we are both less emotionally drained we can mend things and if she is too angry then have lost one of my oldest friends. My pool seems to be shrinking is that normal as you get older or am I just a crap friend.
You're not a crap friend. And you seem to be looking out for the welfare of the kids more than either parent IMO.
You sound like a great friend.
But time to take a massive step back now. It all seems very one sided and draining. Time to concentrate on yourself. I'm sorry about your grandmother.
I'm honestly lost as to why you called her brother - I'm sorry, have I missed something?
Doitanyways she was talking about being suicidal but not having the energy to do anything, her and her daughters were getting increasing emotional abuse, she was accepting less than she was entitled to and I was scared she was going to end up in financial hardship. I felt she needed help but I could not adequately give her that and she might listen to him. Is that reason enough?
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