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"Sten do"/wedding

(214 Posts)
Gobbolinothewitchscat Tue 29-Dec-15 20:40:07

My sil is getting married in September.

She has chosen a venue where she would like exclusive use but has to.agree to take all 30 bedrooms in.the hotel (at £250 per night!) We have a 2 year old, a 1 year old and a new born. According to the hotel, we will need two rooms. Sil is planning a family meal the night before so that is basically £1000 on rooms. The wedding is 3 hours away from us so no choice but to stay.

We've now been told that she is having a sten do for 2 nights in Barcelona which we are both invited to. PILs are going and are as tight as two coats of paint. They have form for guilt-tripping DH into paying for things like this for them (despite being comfortably off)

I like SIL and can rub along with the PILs but do not enjoy some ding time with them - as it's so expensive and MIL knows the cost of everything and the value of nothing!

I have to.go to the wedding but I do not want to go to Barcelona. Personally, I don't actually approve of asking people to shell out vast sums on foreign hen/stag dos. Dh is keen for me to go but I really do not want to and it will annoy me to.have to sit there watching us sub the PILs. Plus I don't want to leave our new born who will only be about 6 months then.

However, I feel like a bit of grinch. AIBU not to go!

Orda1 Tue 29-Dec-15 20:46:16


They are being massively unreasonable with those rooms! Can't you stay at a b&b nearby?

Sparkletastic Tue 29-Dec-15 20:53:40

No to Barcelona.
No to expensive hotel rooms. How can hotel possibly say you'll need 2 rooms?! Tinies can go top and tail in camp bed, baby in travel cot.

gBean Tue 29-Dec-15 20:54:36

Hoe annoying. I would say no to both tbh

Kryptonite Tue 29-Dec-15 20:55:18

So, to recap -
- you have to fork out £1000 just to stay over at the wedding.
- you have to sub PIL's as they refuse to pay for themselves confused hmm well they would, wouldn't they if they know someone's daft enough to pay for them
- You're expected to go for a 2 night "sten" do (da fuq? Stag or hen!) in a foreign country at more expense. What happened to nights out in nearby towns?!
- On top of all that you leave your 6 month old at home so presumably have to find childcare. (And I love child free weddings.)

YADDDDDDNBU. Don't bother with Barcelona, I wouldn't - you're not obligated to go.
You've got enough to fork out on the stupidly priced rooms!

coconutpie Tue 29-Dec-15 20:55:39

YANBU. Why do you need 2 rooms? Can't you bring travel cots for the younger DC?

Also your DH shouldn't be paying for his stingy parents either.

Gobbolinothewitchscat Tue 29-Dec-15 20:56:21

DH feels that we need to stay at the hotel to "help" out SIL. I will be furious if he ends up subbing the PILS on this though.

DH is an usher so I won't have much help on the day. One option we thought about was having my parents come to the hotel to help out but we would need to pay for a room for them (we would have to insist as they are the polar opposite of the PILS!). So that would be another £500.

I've been discussing things with DH and we think what might be best is we decline any invite for the youngest two (my parents can look after them at home) and then go to the wedding with our oldest who will be 3. That makes things a lot easier for me as I only have one to dress rather than 3 and myself whilst breast-feeding and then wrangling them all to the church which is a further 10 miles away.

I also wondering about just going up on the day of the wedding and staying 1 night as I don't really want to be away for 2 nights.

Ideally, I would prefer not to go. I do like SIL but I just really prefer to spend as little time with MIL as possible. However, I'm not sure I could suggest that without upsetting DH.

planter Tue 29-Dec-15 20:58:24

I would definitely leave the two youngest with your parents. Would you going for one night make it any cheaper? Presumably DH would still have to stay for two?

3rdrockfromthesun Tue 29-Dec-15 21:00:18

Why don't you ask the hotel who is looking after the little ones if you and dh are in a separate room? Tell Sil that you can not go because of the children and then spend the time having fun

Gobbolinothewitchscat Tue 29-Dec-15 21:00:28

Apparently the hotel has said we MUST have two rooms - quelle surprise.

That will suit SIL quite well as she needs to fill the place or stump up herself.

To be honest, the "sten" do is quite tame. SIL asked us to go to Las Vegas for her 30th birthday. I was approximately 36 weeks pregnant at the time.

For PILS 30th wedding anniversary, we were ordered to go on a cruise with them (that cost us £6k) then as their "present" we had to sub them for two weeks for drinks and food. That cost around another 1k.

Don't get me started on Christmas.....!

silverduck Tue 29-Dec-15 21:05:02

How will the hotel know really? Could you claim that you didn't know that you had to tell them about babes in arms and just take an extra travel cot with you? They won't keep track of who is going in or out.

I wouldn't go on the sten and I wouldn't sub PILS, that's SILs job in this instance.

Kryptonite Tue 29-Dec-15 21:06:03

If your parents aren't going and are able to look after the children, definitely let them look after them - as you say, easier for you, and also infinitely cheaper.
For PILS 30th wedding anniversary, we were ordered to go on a cruise with them (that cost us £6k) then as their "present" we had to sub them for two weeks for drinks and food. That cost around another 1k.
I'm just not computing this, sorry. "Ordered" to? You obviously wanted to and could afford to go on a £6000 pounds holiday and to also pay for someone else's food and drink to the tune of £1,000.
Nobody made you, you voluntarily coughed up one thousand for their drinks and food!

Jibberjabberjooo Tue 29-Dec-15 21:08:15

I think you really need to learn the word no. hmm

Doilooklikeatourist Tue 29-Dec-15 21:10:07

Don't go on the sten never heard of that
Just take the BF baby and leave the older 2 at home
And stay one night
And do not pay for the inlaws

planter Tue 29-Dec-15 21:11:06

Bullshit would the hotel tell you you need two rooms. Why would they care how many rooms you have if SIL has taken all of them anyway on a block booking?

SIL is making it up.

BastardGoDarkly Tue 29-Dec-15 21:12:02

<spits lager out> 7000 on a cruise you didn't want to go on?!

Op wtaf are you both going along with this?

BastardGoDarkly Tue 29-Dec-15 21:12:50

Yes planter you're right.

Gobbolinothewitchscat Tue 29-Dec-15 21:14:50

At the time of the cruise, we weren't married so DH paid the £1k plus we paid £3k each for the cruise.

At the time I agreed, I thought it would be a week's holiday somewhere in the Med. I was then told that MIL was choosing were it was and it ended up being a 2 week Caribbean cruise departing from Miami! I sucked it up - although it was shit and essentially meant we had had our summer holiday in April as we couldn't afford to go anywhere else that year.

However, I am now on hyper alert regarding stuff like this - plus I was a well paid professional during "cruise-gate". I am now a SAHM to 3 under 3. Hence why I would ideally really prefer not to even go to the wedding if I could but think it would cause massive offence so will have to. However, I want to minimise the cost as much as possible. I have already said quite pointedly to DH that I think that if folk can't afford to pay their own way at either then sten (urgh) do or the wedding, they actually shouldn't attend or SIL can pay for them.

We would normally buy a very generous wedding present for SIL but we can cut back on that on the basis that DH going to Barcelona and us staying two nights at the hotel etc is a large part of the present.

hefzi Tue 29-Dec-15 21:16:25

So a "sten" do is basically just a holiday for everyone before a wedding?

SIL is BU unless she is willing to pay for all the hotel rooms: if that's the deal for having her wedding there, and she can't afford it - tough. And that's before I read about the vastly expensive "holidays" you are coerced into taking to celebrate various milestones with the ILs: of course they are OK financially- they have you and your DH to pay for things hmm

I know other people have said this before, but "'No' is a complete sentence"!

caroldecker Tue 29-Dec-15 21:16:32

Hotel safety regulations and fire safety are often the limiting factor in room occupation.

Madcats Tue 29-Dec-15 21:20:21

Even if you did go to Barcelona, you would either need an army of nannies/willing childminders or you would be stuck back at the hotel coping with feeds/nap times and grumpy toddlers unused to the heat.

Is the UK hotel stuck in the middle of nowhere or could you rent a cottage somewhere nearby with family/friends (Air BnB)? We did this when DH was best man at a "no children" wedding and persuaded my brother and sister in law to spend the weekend with us (good company) and babysit.

You can easily use the excuse that your babies are light sleepers...etc..etc

Good luck sticking to your guns with this one

BackforGood Tue 29-Dec-15 21:21:09

Well - just say 'sorry, I won't be able to make it' to the 'sten do'
Don't offer to sub PiLs, and do what suits you with the hotel, (I can see it would be easier to have a room to retire to, with littlies there) but don't be afraid to say 'no' as that is clearly a ridiculous amount of money to be paying out, to, in effect, subsidise someone else's wedding.

Gobbolinothewitchscat Tue 29-Dec-15 21:23:05

Hmmm....yes. the room "info" is 3rd hand from MIL. I may phone tomorrow to check. However, that could out us!

Right - no sten do for me. Parents can look after the 2 oldest or I could leave baby if I can express enough and oldest could attend as token niece/nephew.

I will also try and make sure that I pay the bill at reception. I have previously been successful in removing extra charges that MIL has added on to our bill so could do the same here.

If DH only stays the night before the wedding, that would cut down the cost of my meal but we would still have the room cost. However, it would be less enforced time with the PILs.

Cheapish wedding present off the list. DH is going to try and get cheap flights to Barcelona and accommodation. If he isn't in the same place as the PILs, then they can't really add on things to his bill (one would hope!). Any more tips for minimising the cost of this extravaganza!

LaurieFairyCake Tue 29-Dec-15 21:23:35

As usual the problem is with your DH.

Who I can tell from your post is going to end up spunking for 2 rooms at the wedding and a sten for 3 in Barcelona.

So that's thousands of your money he's going to spend hmm

var123 Tue 29-Dec-15 21:24:12

Um.. the list price of the rooms might be £250 per room per night but that may not be what it costs your SIL/ PIL.

We got married in the countryside with no other hotel close by. The hotel said if our guests wanted more than 6 rooms between them, then they'd have to take the whole hotel. It was a package that included the cost of the reception.

We calculated that if we paid the price for the reception that we'd have paid if we weren't taking any rooms, then the difference meant that rooms were discounted by about 20%. So, we passed the discount onto our guests and they paid the hotel direct. Then we paid the rest.

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