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AIBU?

AIBU re lie ins?

51 replies

IAmACuboid · 29/12/2015 10:35

I might well BU here.

DH is complaining that he never gets lie ins - which he doesn't, due to his own choices IMO.

Weekdays he gets up at 5:30ish (so he can get to work an hour early to have breakfast and get sorted before work). He goes to bed around 11 (sofa dozes from 9ish).
He doesn't do night wakings as he isn't safe at work if he's tired.

I have trouble sleeping and go to bed anytime between 1-3am most nights, up at 7:30 for school.
I get 3-6hrs sleep depending on how many times the kids are up.

Weekends DH wakes early 6/7ish, and can't stay asleep due to his body clock and the fact our 18mo DC2 comes in and cosleeps/BFs any time from 5:30-7 onwards.
DH gets up and dressed, so i usually ask him to take the kids downstairs with him so I can sleep.
I do say if he thinks he can get back to sleep to tell me so I can take the kids downstairs and let him lie in - he almost never does this.

This morning he had an almighty grump about not having lie ins - turns out what he really wants is 'quiet time' on his own downstairs away from the kids, maybe dozing on the sofa or just 'relaxing'.
Our house is tiny, so when I went down with the kids he'd be awake/disturbed immediately.

So, AIBU that once you have kids you don't get to have 'quiet time' on your own when they're awake? We get our own time after they've gone to bed.

And AIBU that if he wants a lie in he needs to stay upstairs in bed and i'll go downstairs when the kids are up - for him to have a genuinely undisturbed sleep I'd have to wake them stupidly early and take them downstairs.
If he's already up I thought it logical that he had the kids and I sleep - surely there's no point us both being up early if one can sleep?

OP posts:

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Lexigrey · 29/12/2015 10:39

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

TimeToMuskUp · 29/12/2015 10:39

I think maybe you need to take it in turns. DH rarely lies in because he's never been a good sleeper, and once awake he can't get back to sleep. But I still get up with the DCs sometimes and give him a bit of peace because, well, everyone needs that. DH won't tell me, either, so I just get on with it occasionally.

Enjolrass · 29/12/2015 10:44

Personally I would just get up and take the kids down occasionally. He may not get dorm quiet time on the sofa, but it would be nice to get some quiet time in bed.

Often if it's 'my sleep in' I don't go back to sleep. I lay in bed and chill and watch some telly or go on MN or the iPad.

I don't think wanting some occasional quiet time is a lot to ask really.

Eminado · 29/12/2015 10:45

This sounds so hard! Can you take turns re "alone time".

LBOCS2 · 29/12/2015 10:45

Does the quiet time have to be first thing in the morning? I don't think it's unreasonable for him to want some time to himself, TBH - certainly in our household, time when the kids are in bed is couple time, not alone time.

We work it so that we have a morning each at weekends, and one evening each during the week. On Saturday mornings DH gets up with the DC until about 9 (like yours, my DH is an early riser and up and about by around 7 - he walks the dog then the DC are up around 8). I get up and take over with the DC while he plays football until 12.30. On Sundays, he gets up with the DC and I have until 12/1ish to myself - to do whatever I want with. I usually use it to sleep in and read my book in peace but equally I could go out and do something on my own.

I'm of the opinion that a bit of mental 'alone time' is good for everyone - you just have to find a solution which works for you.

IAmACuboid · 29/12/2015 10:46

No, am a SAHM, but have non-napping DC2 still home, so rarely get any actual child free time.

The thing is, even if i got up at 6 on the weekend he'd still get up - once he's decided he can't sleep he just gets up in a grump regardless.
There is nowhere in our house to have any peace and quiet, once you're up you're with everyone.

OP posts:

Enjolrass · 29/12/2015 10:46

Sorry meant to add I do think that you should just get up with them rather than wait for him to ask. It's just a nice thing to do.

I take the kids to let dh have quiet time and he does the same. We both work, but we both did the same when I was a sahm.

Eminado · 29/12/2015 10:47

X post with everyone.

StormyBlue · 29/12/2015 10:47

Her post clearly stated she had an 18 month old, Lexigrey.

Anyway, I am a bit confused, what does he want the kids to be doing when he has his morning quiet time in the living room? Can't he have morning quiet time in the bedroom, and you take it in turns to lie in/ have quiet time?

theycallmemellojello · 29/12/2015 10:47

If the kids are school age can they not just get on with it by themselves on weekend mornings? I don't see why someone needs to take them downstairs. You having a doze and him having a quiet breakfast seems fine.

Tiggeryoubastard · 29/12/2015 10:48

Yabu. Everybody needs that bit of quiet time if possible. You sound quite selfish.

peggyundercrackers · 29/12/2015 10:48

you seem to get quiet time in bed when you DH gets up with the kids downstairs so YES your DH should get quiet time too.

when your 18mo comes through you need to get up and feed him and take any other kids with you downstairs and give your DH some quiet time in bed.

also think you need to change your routine so your going to bed at a reasonable time and not the middle of the night. there is no way your surviving on 3hrs sleep a night.

Eminado · 29/12/2015 10:48

People. Please read the OP. It's not even a long thread!

Lexigrey · 29/12/2015 10:49

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Lexigrey · 29/12/2015 10:51

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

IAmACuboid · 29/12/2015 10:52

This is so helpful, thank you - I reckon I am at least partly BU then.

He's a sulker with martyr-ish tendencies so we don't get to have many sensible conversations, I really have to drag info out of him.
I'll suggest we do set days - perhaps he can have a set Sunday lie in, as he sometimes works Saturday's too.

OP posts:

MangoBiscuit · 29/12/2015 10:54

Like your DH, I can't sleep once I'm awake. We alternate in this house, on Saturday, I get a "lie in", which means I sleep if I can, or if I can't, I lie in bed and read, or I have a bath, or something. DH has to keep the DC downstairs. Sundays, DH gets a lie in. He could sleep through anything. I keep the DC downstairs.

Your DH INBU to want some quiet time to himself each week, but he IBU if he expects you to keep the DC hushed upstairs to facilitate that. He either needs to chill out upstairs on his turn, or pop out somewhere, for a walk, or a coffee etc.

Eminado · 29/12/2015 10:54

Calm down Lexi! I think it's a bit rude not to read the OP if you are then going to base your advice on that inaccurate info. I wasn't "being snippy" - i was perfectly polite to you and the other person who did it too.

DoreenLethal · 29/12/2015 10:55

If the kids are school age can they not just get on with it by themselves on weekend mornings?

18 months old breastfeeding - is NOT school age.

you seem to get quiet time in bed when you DH gets up with the kids downstairs so YES your DH should get quiet time too

He DOESN'T take them downstairs - that's the problem. He goes downstairs and wants them kept UP stairs when his wife COULD sleep IF he took them DOWNSTAIRS with him. As he is awake anyway.

Enjolrass · 29/12/2015 10:56

doreen the op says

DH gets up and dressed, so i usually ask him to take the kids downstairs with him so I can sleep.
I do say if he thinks he can get back to sleep to tell me so I can take the kids downstairs and let him lie in - he almost never does this.

He does take them downstairs, he almost never asks to have a sleep in

Inertia · 29/12/2015 10:57

Seems sensible for him to have a lie-in on Sundays, you have one on Saturdays, and whoever is on-duty takes the kids downstairs while the lier-in stays in the bedroom.

IAmACuboid · 29/12/2015 10:59

Although, having thought about it for a min, he still won't bloody well stay upstairs even if it's his turn, and there's nowhere to hide the rest of us.
He really has to learn to stay upstairs IMO, it's the only practical way for him to be alone.

OP posts:

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HughGrantsHair · 29/12/2015 11:03

Of course he's not unreasonable to want some quiet time too, but that's not what you've said.

He is being U if he expects you to keep the children upstairs in the morning while he lounges around upstairs. How are you supposed to feed them?

If he wants his quiet time, he needs to have it upstairs while you take the children downstairs.

IJustLostTheGame · 29/12/2015 11:06

Can you take them out for a couple of hours on a weekend so he can have his quiet time? The shops? Park? Pool? A walk?
Everyone does need a little time to themselves sometimes.

peggyundercrackers · 29/12/2015 11:06

Doreen READ the OP He DOESN'T take them downstairs - that's the problem. He goes downstairs and wants them kept UP stairs when his wife COULD sleep IF he took them DOWNSTAIRS with him. As he is awake anyway.

OP said DH gets up and dressed, so i usually ask him to take the kids downstairs with him so I can sleep.

He DOES take the kids downstairs...

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