I dont think I am re: present from the kids

[Bogeyface]

I bought it, not a problem, they are kids and although DD is 18 I wouldnt expect her to take them shopping.

I gave it to DD (18) so they could wrap it (at her behest, I didnt ask her to). It never appeared under the tree. I was a bit confused but didnt think much of it, it was chaotic so I just put it down to that.

Went into her bedroom earlier and there it was, unwrapped. I just said "Oh!" as I was just abit surprised to see it there, out on the side as it was. I got "What? Oh yeah...forgot to wrap it, do you want it now?"

Now I probably shouldnt have said "no its ok" and walked out, but I was upset. It has been a really shitty Xmas and after all the time and effort I put in for them and especially her, I was hurt that she hadnt been bothered to make sure I got one gift for me from them.

She got really stroppy with the old "I SAID I was SORRY alright?!" and kept saying that she didnt understand what the fuss was about. So I asked her how she would have felt if I hadnt bothered with her gifts, or hadnt made sure she had got her main present (money) so she could order the tablet pc thing she was saving for (which came today much to her delight). That was different apparently.

I didnt get angry, I was just genuinely upset that she didnt seem to care and was angry with me.

She is now sulking for me "having a go" at her, which I didnt, I really didnt. I didnt do any passive aggressive "After everything I have done for you!!!!!!" type stuff, I just asked her to consider how she would feel if it was the other way around.

And its not the gift that matters, but that not one of them thought about the fact that they hadnt given me a gift when normally they would. They are 18, 13, 11,10 and 4 and DD1 took it onto herself, she said that she would take it and get them to wrap it and she didnt.

AIBU?

[dolly2016]

So, had you forgotten about it until today too?

[Fyaral]

Yanbu. She is sulking because she knows its wrong and feels guilty. Most should be getting you something individually at their ages. I was from about 10 or so.

[yummumto3girls]

At 18 she surely should have a greater degree of understanding than this, I would not blame you one bit for being disappointed in the lack of thought and I would be telling her so.

[FixItUpChappie]

No, I don't think you are - the thoughtlessness is hurtful. Hopefully she will think on it and approach you on the subject....is she otherwise caring and considerate?

[Bogeyface]

no I hadnt forgotten but I wasnt about to make a fuss with "Where is my present then?!" and make them feel bad.

The argument came from me noticing that it was there and yes I think, her feeling guilty about it and kicking off. It wasnt even an argument tbh, she was going off and I was just talking and explaining why I was upset.

[wickedwaterwitch]

YANBU but teenagers just don't think sometimes

I bet she's feeling guilty and will apologise tomorrow. Or if you go and give her a cuddle / lie on her bed and chat about some thing else.

[Bogeyface]

Most should be getting you something individually at their ages. I was from about 10 or so.

Where we live and our current situation makes that a bit difficult, I was happy to get it especially as it was something I wanted and was a bargain on Groupon that the kids wouldnt have seen.

is she otherwise caring and considerate? Thats the thing, normally yes. She can be a bit of a PITA, but nothing major. She was the one who offered to take it and get the kids organised, so I guess the fact that she offered and then forgot hurt more than if I had asked her to do it.

[wickedwaterwitch]

What you said was reasonable, what she heard was, well, goodness knows what!

[RJnomore1]

Aw bogey sorry you had a bad Christmas what else happened?

For what it's worth all of your children from 10 up are capable of getting you a present. My 11 yo got her dad star wars cereal with the like sky walker spoon and made me a reindeer tree dec. The 18yo is being incredibly lazy and self centred.
💐🎁 from me sorry they're virtual.

[Chippednailvarnish]

She's 18 and an adult, there's no excuse, she owes you a proper apology.

[WorraLiberty]

YANBU for feeling the way you do.

But I think you need a heart to heart tomorrow, where you can sit down and talk about it calmly.

Once a teenager's back goes 'up' it's like a fortress and no amount of reason can get through...not even their own reasoning in their own minds.

I've a feeling she might understand tomorrow and hopefully next year, things will be different.

[Bogeyface]

I cant face going into what else happened...suffice it to say that we are looking like being a NY cliché! Although if my friends are anything to go by, there will be a long queue at the solicitors

[dolly2016]

no I hadnt forgotten but I wasnt about to make a fuss with "Where is my present then?!" and make them feel bad.

But trying to make them feel bad is exactly what you have done! If you had reminded them on xmas day they could have nipped upstairs and wrapped it and all would've been well, but instead you left it 4 days!

[Bogeyface]

I hope she does understand.

Worra you are so right about her back going up. If she has decided that its not her fault, or you are unreasonably having a go or that the facts simply dont fit her narrative, then nothing nothing, will get her to back down!

Hopefully I will get a NY "surprise" :o

[RJnomore1]

Aw jeez I'm sorry, there's such pressure on to be happy and having a lovely time that it's just grim when it goes wrong.

I agree with talking to your 18yo tomorrow.

I do hope things calm down for you.

[Bogeyface]

But trying to make them feel bad is exactly what you have done! If you had reminded them on xmas day they could have nipped upstairs and wrapped it and all would've been well, but instead you left it 4 days!

I noticed it wasnt there on Xmas morning, but we often have gifts that get left upstairs or forgotten in the chaos and the resurface at some point. I put it down to that and wasnt at all concerned or felt it worthy of comment. I didnt leave it 4 days, it became clear after 4 days what had happened.

[WorraLiberty]

You have just described all 3 of my DC when they're in a strop

Never mind the fact they're normally in a strop because they know I'm right?!

[Bogeyface]

Also, I take issue with needing to remind an 18 year old. At her age I was a mother living away from home, no one reminded me to get my mother a Xmas present, or indeed wrap it if my father turned up with one to give her (which he did a couple of times as he knew I was skint).

[GiddyOnZackHunt]

Oh this does sound like she was angry to deflect the guilt. Yanbu to feel taken for granted though

[Bogeyface]

Worra well there is that :o The day they stop arguing is the day we know we are.......WRONG! NOOO!!!!! :o

[Bogeyface]

Thanks for making me feel more cheerful. I just felt gutted really, like I didnt matter enough to even wrap a small gift for, you know?

Hopefully tomorrow will be better :)

[wickedwaterwitch]

It's not that you don't matter, not at all, she just wasn't thinking
IMO

[WorraLiberty]

I told my 13 year old off a few hours ago for something fairly minor.

And he just looked at me, heard me out ( first time ever!) nodded and apologised

I swear to god, I immediately questioned everything I ever knew

Then I realised he was in the middle of a FIFA game on XBox live and just wanted me out of his room!

[Mmmmcake123]

Think dolly seems a bit harsh. You put the effort in to make things special. She's 18 and forgot to be bothered about your gift. It's not the worst thing in the world but it hurts and being told you should remind her goes against the grain xx

[queenofthepirates]

That is a bit rubbish of her but an 18yo can be terribly self centred (I would probably reference myself at 18 and much better at 40). Can I suggest you cut the budget for her next birthday present, get yourself something nice and wrap it yourself as a gift to you? I find that lowering my expectations of others often causes me less heartache.