to think it's fine if 9 year old DD wants to buy herself something to wear?

[WilburIsSomePig]

DD is 9 and gets a small amount of pocket money every week. She normally saves it up and then she'll as if she can buy something from H & M/Matalan/Primark etc; normally she chooses a top or fancy tights or something.

MIL is absolutely horrified by this and says that I should not allow this and that a 9 year old should not be 'expected to clothe herself'. This is absolutely not actually the case. As with DS, if she needs something, we get it - she is not shoved down the mines in order to feed and clothe herself. DS saves his up and buys Lego which MIL has no problem with but she is apoplectic about DD choosing to buy something to wear. If she was spending shit loads of money on sweets then that would be fine, just as long as she's not wearing them!

The whole point of them having a bit of pocket money is to try and teach them the value of money and I think it's a good thing that she is saving up for something she really wants. MIL says we should be buying all her clothes regardless but I don't think we should shell out just because DD decides she wants something (nor does she, she's very sensible and knows things cost money). Incidentally, I love clothes myself and DD is not short of nice things to wear, nor is DS but I think having to 'save' for something you really want is a healthy attitude to money.

It's obviously none of MIL's business and we'll carry on as we are but she's made me feel absolutely shit and I'm now starting to doubt that we're doing the right thing. What do you think?

[Mehitabel6]

I think - 'smile, nod and totally ignore'.

[OurBlanche]

I would imagine your DD is ecstatic at being allowed to buy herself something she wants to wear. Aren't all kids, when spending saved up money on something they really want (or think they do )?

Get your DH to tell his mother to "Get hip with the 21st Century, Grandma" and dismiss this from your life!

[WilburIsSomePig]

I would imagine your DD is ecstatic at being allowed to buy herself something she wants to wear.

She is! She's chuffed to bits and loves our 'shopping sprees'.

[wigglesrock]

I do it with my 10 year old and have been doing it for ages - she gets pocket money, saves it up & buys something new in Primark, H&M or Claires, my 8 year old does it too - magazines are her downfall. Tbh I wouldn't think twice about what your mil thinks, I find her attitude odd.

[cariadlet]

dd was probably about 11 or 12 before she started to buy her own clothes, but that's only because she was terrible at saving and used to spend her pocket money as soon as she had it. I'd have been really pleased if she'd been saving up to buy her own clothes at 9 (or even younger).

You're getting your dd the clothes that she needs and she's getting the extra clothes that she wants. Ignore your MIL. She's seeing problems where there aren't any.

[hellhasnofurylikeahungrywoman]

It's teaching her lots about money and how to manage it isn't it? Smile, nod and ignore.

[Sgtmajormummy]

I expect the clothes she buys with her own money are spur-of-the-moment things, a bit like going into the sweetshop/toyshop/bookshop and getting what she wants from there.
I'm sure she's well provided for by you and that you go shopping for clothes as a matter of course.
YANBU, she's spending her own money as she likes.
Maybe MIL isn't used to the cheap'n'cheerful Primark mentality.

[PuntasticUsername]

It sounds as if this is hitting a personal nerve for MIL for some reason - growing up, did she have to knit all her own clothes or something?

She's wrong, anyway. Ignore.

[AutumnLeavesArePretty]

Mine like to choose clothes whilst out but I'd pay for them rather than let them use pocket money. I think like your MIL, it's my job to clothe them. Buying hair bobbles etc from pocket money I'd have no issue with.

[Bonkerz]

My 10 year old loves spending money on clothes. She spent all her birthday and Christmas money today on clothes. She also chose a pair of ankle boots with a heel. Normally I would never allow it but it's her money and she can do what she wants with that money. She is so proud of herself. MIL joined us on this trip today and I too had the disapproving comments etc but let them wash over me!

[OurBlanche]

But isn't that robbing them of their right to choose what to do with their pocket money Autumn ? Which leaves you with the question, what is pocket money for, if not to introduce a child to the cause and effect of both saving and spending?

[mrsjskelton]

I think you're teaching your DD a valuable lesson here - she can budget and treat herself to things with the money she saves but more importantly she knows that you are there providing her with everything she needs in the background. There's no right answer but I think she will be learning a lot from this and will not be like "most" fashion conscious teens/students spending more than they can afford on their student loans etc.

[EponasWildDaughter]

How you and your daughter decide to handle the pocket money YOU give her is entirely between the two of you.

It's not as if you're encouraging her to buy the family's bread every week is it!

Don't feel bad, YANBU.

In a couple of years, on top of the pocket money, she'll start wanting cash as birthday/xmas presents so that she can have fun choosing and buying her own clothes, toiletries, etc. Like 99% of her peer group will do. What will MIL have to say about that?!

[AutumnLeavesArePretty]

OurBlanche, it rarely comes up so isn't an issue. Clothes shopping is done in bulk twice a year and they get to choose their own. I buy a few bits when out and about if they have a favourite character etc and they spot something.

Pocket money is for fun things, they can spend it how they wish.

As older teens, they will get a clothes allowance so can shop with their friends.

I'm relaxed about clothes, hence them choosing. If parents don't do that then I can see why children may want to use their own money to get something of their own tastes.

[heavenlypink]

My 9 year old niece was thrilled with the Primark voucher she got for Christmas ..... she can't wait to go shopping!

[Goingtobeawesome]

You are right. My Dd wants tops that are very expensive. I will give her what I am happy to spend on a top and she makes up the rest though mostly she waits until Christmas or uses pocket money, bonus money.

[WilburIsSomePig]

I think like your MIL, it's my job to clothe them. Buying hair bobbles etc from pocket money I'd have no issue with.

But I DO clothe her. Anything she decides to buy is extra to that and I don't see why I should stop her from buying something that she really wants and persuade her to buy something she doesn't.

[chillycurtains]

Ah, just ignore MIL. You are doing a great thing teaching her the value of money and clothing. She'll probably look after her clothing a lot better than most children because of it too. Well done. Silly MIL.

[sleeponeday]

You're teaching her the pride in buying your own things as well as the value of money and the importance of saving.

You're also teaching her the difference between treats and necessities.

Ridiculous to oppose this. I think it's a great idea - will adopt when the toddler is old enough, if she is interested.

[Enjolrass]

It's your dds money. It's up to her what she spends it on.

Surely bobbles are no different to clothes autumn

[grumpysquash2]

Definitely with you on this one OP.
If DD didn't spend on clothes, she wouldn't go without.....so you are not asking her to 'clothe herself' (just as, if she spent it on sweets, you wouldn't be asking her to 'feed herself')
Sounds like everyone's happy, except - apparently - MIL.

My Dsis spent every penny on clothes when she was growing up and is now a fashion designer :)

[WilburIsSomePig]

You're teaching her the pride in buying your own things

This is the plan. If she decides she wants something and I just produce it for her every time, then I'd have to do the same for DS every time he fancies a bit of Lego.

[Schwabischeweihnachtskanne]

My 10 year old did that for the first time recently - she already has winter snow boots which she chose in November and smart boots which she chose a bit earlier - September I think (and every-day trainers which she also chose) and hasn't grown out of or worn out any of them, but she saw some autumn/winter ankle boots she liked reduced right down to €9 while we were shopping for something else. Obviously she knew I would never buy her another pair of boots until the others are outgrown or in poor condition, so she bought them herself - didn't even ask me.

I find the attitude that the parent should buy the child any item of clothing they like the look of odd - if they don't need the item at all by any stretch of the imagination (like the 3rd pair of boots for my DD) I would say no, of course I'm not buying you another pair of boots.

AutumnLeavesArePretty Should I a) buy DD a 3rd pair of boots when she has 2 good pairs that fit just because she wants them b) refuse to buy them but also stop DD buying the boots because she doesn't need them and I buy her clothes, or c) allow her to spend money on things she wants but doesn't need - in this case clothing/ boots?

[LittleBeautyBelle]

Your mil's attitude sounds a little weird to me. I don't think you're doing anything wrong at all. If your daughter wants a special item of clothing or to add more to her wardrobe because that's what she's into instead of toys or whatever your son wants to spend his money on, then that is perfectly fine. And it adds the benefit of teaching her to budget for things out of her own money. I think it's wonderful the way you're raising your children in regards to money. Not sure what mil's thinking is. Could you have a private, casual type of conversation with her about why she's so upset about it? It doesn't make a lot of sense to me. If she's just trying to meddle and making something out of nothing in order to undermine you or take a jab, then that makes it more difficult to know how to respond. Can you find out what's behind her thinking on this?