AIBU to expect DH to pay for all meals out?

[ElphabaTheGreen]

I do all the cooking at home - all of it, unless it's cereal or toast, as DH can't/won't cook. DH and I both work full time and we have two DSs - 3yo and 16mo. This means that I do a shit-load of batch-cooking to cope, including taking annual leave from work to cook if the freezer starts running low. DH does do the washing up, but it isn't nearly as time-consuming as planning, shopping for and preparing cooked-from-scratch meals all week.

At the weekend, we eat a couple of meals out as a family - nothing outrageously fancy. Usually just Frankie and Benny's or something equally kid-friendly and unglamorous, but it gives me a welcome break and the DCs like the change of scenery and the opportunity for chips.

Now, DH earns twice as much as I do. We have a joint account that we pay bills from which we contribute to proportional to our pay, but eating out gets paid for by DH. He's been getting increasingly huffy about this, with arsey sighs when he pulls his card out, then today he said I should pay for some meals out. I've told him in the past that if he expects me to pay, I really can't afford it, but I'd be happy to cook something a bit special instead so long as he keeps the DCs out of the kitchen. He thinks I'm being tight but I'm honestly not - in the past year, my new purchases have amounted to three pairs of the cheapest jeans from M&S and three jumpers off Amazon. DH has bought himself a midlife crisis classic VW campervan.

Given the amount of cooking I do, and the amount he earns in comparison to me, AIBU to expect him to pay for all meals out?

[BadLad]

Rather than focusing on who pays for meals out, sounds like a complete rethink of the family finances is necessary.

DW and I have separate ones, but we don't have any kids - we'd probably do joint if we had them.

[MushroomMama]

We have a meal out a couple of times a month and dh always pays he's the main earner I pay bills and kids bits with my very small income.

It's all about balance and I think you both need a serious discussion about how fair the finances are.

[boodles]

Tell him he doesn't have to eat out, he can do what you do all week and cook you all a meal. Can I ask, does he not cook because he thinks of it as wife work or does he do other housework to make up the 50% he should be doing?

[FrizzyNoodles]

Normal circumstances I would say no take turns but going by your background info I'd be inclined to say you're right. Why won't he cook? If he was left to it for a few days would he eat out/get takeaways? He should be able to look after himself.

[Junosmum]

How you split your money up is between the two of you, as is your housework/ childcare. however I would not be happy with your current arrangements but I do think yabu to expect him to pay for all meals out.

[VintageDresses]

Agree the family finances need completely reworking. I really can't see how a marriage can work if one has more spending power than the other.

[ElphabaTheGreen]

If left for a few days, he'd eat beans on toast, omelettes and ready meals.

It's not 'women's work' - he just doesn't cook. If I do give him the option to cook for us, he just wants to go out instead.

[BrownAjah]

Family meals = family expense. Surely this gets paid for out of joint account. Problem solved!

[howtorebuild]

Why doesn't he put all his income in the joint account?

[ElphabaTheGreen]

Family meals = family expense. Surely this gets paid for out of joint account. Problem solved!

That's not a bad idea, actually. Just add a bit extra to the joint account each month (proportional to what we each earn, as with everything else).

[YohY]

Agree with Brownajah most sensible and fairest option

[ElphabaTheGreen]

I won't have just one joint account that we both put al our pay into. We have one joint account that all joint bills get paid for. We are then left with our own money in our own accounts.

[Seeyounearertime]

It's relatively simple.

Mon, Wed, Fri, You cook
The, thu, sat, he cook
Alternate Sundays.

Now if HE decides HE can't cook and decides you're LL going out then HE foots the bill.

[OTheHugeManatee]

If he doesn't want to pay for meals out he takes a turn cooking. That's if you are both unwilling to pool your finances more completely. I think HIBU.

[annandale]

I agree with Badlad - you need a Root and Branch Household Financial Review. (I actually love doing this). A proper one with t'internet banking up, squared paper, columns and headings. Underlined headings. And beer.

It sounds as if you have fully separate finances, and that can work with the proportional thing, as long as you are not trying to pay for a proportion of a lifestyle that your salary won't stretch to. This seems to be the issue. I would strongly recommend that you look again at a joint account, at least one that you both pay a chunk into to pay 'the bills'. 'The bills' can be anything you choose to include, and might definitely include meals out per week or whatever (realistic costs). Then you can pay sometimes, if that makes things less stressful.

Apart from anything else, is he worried about money? Do you need, honestly, to look at moving to takeaways rather than eating out, or to a more drastic cutting of outgoings? You are clearly doing a hell of a lot of work on the food, but the fact that you need a break doesn't change the fact that 4 family meals out a week is a LOT of money.

I think if your dh can make toast, an entire repertoire of catering opens up, and if money is tight, he can damn well become Mr Cheese/Sardines/Croque Monsieur on toast a couple of times a weekend.

[DoreenLethal]

You take annual leave to batch cook? Fuck that for a laugh! That means you are reducing your earnings just to cook.

[BadLad]

my new purchases have amounted to three pairs of the cheapest jeans from M&S and three jumpers off Amazon. DH has bought himself a midlife crisis classic VW campervan.

I don't think that is a very healthy basis for a relationship, assuming you would have liked to buy more things but couldn't afford them. If he gets a raise is he going to have nice holidays while leaving you at home to eat cold beans?

[OTheHugeManatee]

I still think he should pay more to sub your meals out if he can't be arsed to take a turn cooking for his family.

[NeedsAsockamnesty]

So he does not wish to cook and instead of doing so it's eating out.

His chore being covered by paid professionals he should pay

[DoreenLethal]

I won't have just one joint account that we both put al our pay into. We have one joint account that all joint bills get paid for.

So all food comes out of this surely?

[ElphabaTheGreen]

So he does not wish to cook and instead of doing so it's eating out.

His chore being covered by paid professionals he should pay

^^That's how I see it, NeedsAsock

[gBean]

Why do you put up with this? He sounds ridiculous.

[LordBrightside]

It should be coming from the joint account. That way it doesn't matter who pays. In a long term relationship, marriage particularly, all money is shared. There is no his money or your money. It's all family money.

[LagunaBubbles]

Its threads like this that make me so thankful that regardless of who earns the most at any particular time between me and DH we just have a joint account and its all our money. We all work our finances differently I guess but I cant see this being the basis for a healthy marriage really.

[NeedsAsockamnesty]

Family money does not work for a lot of people