WWYD if your partner was accused of sexual abuse?

(213 Posts)
MotherPie Mon 28-Dec-15 00:41:36

Long term lurker but joined for advice.
A teenager in my family has accused my partner of being inappropriate.

Will try not to ramble. OH and I live separately. Over Christmas we had a few family members round his and teenager and I nodded off on sofa. Apparently he grabbed her hand and kissed it, and stroked his face with it. And tickled her back and went to move up her top.

She is early teens so it is a huge deal. I am so confused and feel like I'm going mad. My first reaction was 'no way'. But I don't want to label her a Liar. In the long term accusing her would be worse than accusing him, of that makes sense? She's my family and a child.

Teen didn't want to involve anyone and her parents don't know what to believe as she has lied frequently. They were going to but the story has changed slightly a few times and they want to think first.

What now? What would you do? We have a son, so this is all life changing. I am so gutted and confused. I have always trusted my OH 100% to never cheat, let alone this. He has denied it and been phoning me and her parents saying he is angry at being accused.

No matter what we can never be together again now. it will always be one persons word against another. Always a bit of doubt in people's minds.

WWYD? Would you involve authorities, what about contact with our child?

Faye12345 Mon 28-Dec-15 00:44:48

She has a history of lying ie she has made similar allegations previously?

manicinsomniac Mon 28-Dec-15 00:47:32

What a horrible, horrible situation. So sorry you are having to deal with this.

I honestly have no idea what I would do but didn't want to read and run.

I've never been in a successful relationship so I could be way off beam here but I think, ultimately, if I had been with a person for a long time and felt I knew and trusted them completely then I would continue to trust them and assume that they had been falsely accused.

But the, depending on how close the family member who has done the accusing is, I also wouldn't want to not trust them.

What a mess.

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Nanny0gg Mon 28-Dec-15 00:52:21

If the police were involved, they have the knowledge and skill to get to the bottom of this.

She has 'form' for lying, but maybe not this time.

Or she is a fantasist who could ruin your lives.

Let the experts deal with it so you know one way or another.

MotherPie Mon 28-Dec-15 00:53:00

Ones that aren't as serious, yes. She has accused other men or being 'pervy'. One example is an uncle gave her a hug and said she was pretty, and that made her think he was odd. She has also lied to school about being a carer for her mum, and more about her home life.

But because of how serious this is I can't just ignore it, can I? Just no idea what to believe or do.

WorraLiberty Mon 28-Dec-15 00:53:46

I don't know what the answer is but I'm a bit concerned about this...

No matter what we can never be together again now. it will always be one persons word against another. Always a bit of doubt in people's minds.

Really? So someone accuses him of something and that's it? You can never be together, even if he's proven innocent because of doubt in people's minds?

LucyBabs Mon 28-Dec-15 01:05:42

Unfortunately women and young girls are subjected to unwanted attention and "pervvy" advances throughout our lives. What ever came of the girl saying she felt what her uncle was doing was odd?
Did her parents ever do anything about it?

It's so tough op and it must feel so awful you're in this situation.

Personally if it were me I would involve the police. As a PP said they are trained and know the right questions to ask. If the girl is lying she may back down when the police are involved.

I would have to know if my oh had done anything wrong. I would always question if the girl was telling the truth or not.

Best of luck flowers

MotherPie Mon 28-Dec-15 01:05:56

The reason we couldn't be together if I am very closely related to 'teen' and I'm not sure how it could all work. Didn't say that as I'm worried about outing myself.

I have told her parents I think we should involve the police. We aren't sure how they would go about proving anything either way. What evidence will her top or hands give? As those are the areas he is meant to have touched. My OH is livid at the situation, and annoyed I haven't instantly sided with him.

As I said I have always trusted him but there is loyalty to my family member and a bit of 'what if?'.

I was in a deep sleep as I've started taking trazadone and it knocks me out. But her head was resting on my legs and I did wake several times because of that. And she says she didn't sleep and was sat in the bathroom for hours.

MotherPie Mon 28-Dec-15 01:11:39

Nothing was done about her uncle as her mum was there and said there was nothing odd about it and she was overreacting.

My mind is blown. If she wasn't a close family member and hadn't been insistent I wouldn't give this a second thought.

Notrevealingmyidentity Mon 28-Dec-15 01:15:07

I would find being told I was pretty by my uncle very odd tbh.

This is very difficult. I have to say I think the police need to be involved as they have the experience and expertise to deal with it which, in the nicest possible way, your family do not.

ohtheholidays Mon 28-Dec-15 01:17:58

OP usually when a child accuses someone of doing something that they haven't done it's normally because there is something else going on with/for that child.It could be a mental health problem,that's actually one of the most common reasons this happens amongst teens.

I think it would be a great shame for your son your partner and yourself if you ended your relationship and your partner was indeed innocent.

Just like the other posters I can't say if your partner did or didn't do anything but I would probably air on the side of caution being as the young girl has told lies about people before and situations added with the fact that you said she's changed some of the details of what happened.

Do you know what it is that she's said that's different from what she said the first time?

Maryz Mon 28-Dec-15 01:19:50

So an uncle can't give a young teenager (say a 13 year old) a hug and say "you look very pretty today" in the presence of her mother, without being a perv?

OP, I don't know what you should do. But if you were there, and didn't see or hear anything, why presume straight away that he has done something wrong?

Was there anyone else there? And who did she tell and how did her story change?

If he did nothing wrong I'm not surprised he's upset.

Notrevealingmyidentity Mon 28-Dec-15 01:22:08

Well I didn't say that exactly. Just that I would fine it odd. The word nice or lovely might be used but I don't know about pretty.

FlatOnTheHill Mon 28-Dec-15 01:22:09

You say she has form for lying and have given some examples.
Has she get mental health issues?
Thing is, if you get police involved right this moment because you have a child social services will be on your back.
I think you need to somehow get the truth out of this girl before anything else is undertaken. That is your first step. What a terrible situation

PigletJohn Mon 28-Dec-15 01:22:56

the time for brushing under the carpet is long gone.

One of my school friends commented that my uncle had touched him inappropriately. My mother laughed it off. Until my sister said he had done the same to her.

Nobody knows how many other embarrassed comments might have been laughed off or ignored.
It's never "just the once."

Either way, a proper investigation will be better than a lifetime of suspicion and doubt.

nokidshere Mon 28-Dec-15 01:27:12

how old is teen? There is a big difference between 13 and 18 and it could be that she can call the local safeguarding team for support herself if she is older and confident enough. Otherwise her parents should definitely report to the police.

Sadly abusers are nearly always someone who is loved and trusted by others.

MotherPie Mon 28-Dec-15 01:28:30

Thankyou for the advice. I know what I need to do. I will speak to her parents tomorrow and involve those necessary.

Uncle definitely wasn't being weird, or intending to be. Her mum was there and he was just being nice.

The story has changed as she told her dad he tried getting in bed with her, when we weren't in bed and he couldn't have fitted on the sofa. It also changed from her her bra strap through her top to he was trying to fondle up it. As I said, she said she was up all night when I felt her on my legs.

He has babysat her and many other girls in our family before, alone. She does have MH issues, is under CAHMs

StrumpersPlunkett Mon 28-Dec-15 01:31:15

I think you should say to your oh that for HIS sake they should call the police. If he is innocent there will be a clear investigation of the facts and there won't be any deciding who is telling the truth going on by family members.
If the poor girl has been assaulted by your oh she needs support and love. Even moody lying teenagers get assaulted and should be given the same support as if she had never told a lie.

TiredButFineODFOJ Mon 28-Dec-15 01:41:31

It's awful op, as the teen with mental health probs is both most likely to be lying and also person who an abuser would target.
You have your doubts about parts of her story, but at the end of the day you don't know for sure if he kissed her hand and touched her brastrap. If he did, it probably just about qualifies as sexual assault, whether that was his intention, or not.
Out of interest, was the other uncle who she accused of being pervy a blood relative or by marriage? I'm not saying "lightening can't strike twice" but she seemed to overreact to one male relative, now this second incident has happened.

cleaty Mon 28-Dec-15 01:55:58

Saying to the school she is a carer is attention seeking behaviour.
Saying an Uncle was pervy is totally different. As girls I am sure many of us experienced behaviour from adult males that sounds innocent when you explain it, but just felt very wrong.

I would believe her. Why would she lie about this after all? Ring the police and report it.

cleaty Mon 28-Dec-15 01:56:59

And the girls who are sexually abused are often the girls that no one will believe. Abusers are clever, they pick out those girls on purpose.

MotherPie Mon 28-Dec-15 02:01:56

She is 13. yes uncle was a blood relative. I don't know who to believe at the moment. and yes I know the police need to be involved but it is going to change our lives, either way. we will have SS all over us, my son will probably have to see his dad in a contact centre for god knows how long. Overnight I am going to have to be a single parent and our I'm really not sure the police will get a concrete answer.

I have been over every detail of that night. She said some odd things. one example is a man came on the telly and she said 'err, why would you bother with him when you have your fingers'. I really don't know. Of course I'm not going to disregard what she has said, I just have doubts and am scared and confused.

Not to drip feed, but I have had an extremely similar experience myself , so could never just brand her a lair and move on. She found out about this experience a few weeks ago.

cleaty Mon 28-Dec-15 02:04:07

Why is it odd to say why would you bother with him when you have your fingers. She is obviously saying she does not know why any woman would want to have sex with that particular man.

MotherPie Mon 28-Dec-15 02:07:24

I found it odd because she's 13. I wouldn't have made comments like that while with 2 adult family members. others my own age, maybe. I really don't want to sound like I'm finding things to fault, just thinking of all the details and analysing.

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