To want a big cry(9 Posts)
Apologies if this sounds self-indulgent as I realise I have it luckier than some. Basically I'm early twenties and living at home after university. For complicated reasons I'm here until summer 2016, and work at home too so am with my (retired) parents and siblings 24/7...
I'm finding it so hard
My mother is quite neurotic and critical, and my father is distant. Even though I get on with them in small doses, I have been used to living completely independently for the past five years, so this is a huge shock.
My mother frequently "parents" me: screams at me when I do something wrong, nags, is always very anxious and highly-strung, tells me off like a child.
I realise the obvious answer is just to move out and I'm counting down the days but really really can't cope. I just cry every day.
Anyone have any advice?
im currently single too and that just rubs salt in the wound. I have several close friends who I speak to, but really want a partner.
I'm at breaking point, I'm depressed and anxious (the reason why I came back home actually) and it's getting worse and worse. Im in a horrible self-obsessed pit that I can't get myself out of
It depends really - why are you back home? Are you working?
On the plus side, you have an end-date. In your shoes I'd be finding the location of the nearest library (or coffee shop, if you have one nearby which is affordable and happy to have people staying for hours), and head out there for half/full days regularly with your laptop. If you're looking for work, do your job searching there. If you're studying - ditto. Basically, remove yourself from the house so your energy reserves aren't being used up dealing with your mum.
If you're physically stuck at home - again, I don't know your circumstances - can you do some sort of distance study thing that keeps you in your room for stretches at a time? Or see if there's a homeworking job you can do?
Thanks, great advice.
I'm not physically stuck at home thankfully, but am here preparing for some big assessments next summer. So unfortunately no chance to really escape house or leave home without jeopardising assessments
The library/coffee shop sounds good though.
Maybe you need to go to your GP to discuss your low mood and anxiety if you haven't already. It's difficult living with parents when you want to be independent. My 23 year old son is still at home. Generally it works well as we give each other space and respect. It's not good that your mum is screaming/nagging you
Get out as much as you can. There's no need to be there 24/7 as you say you are.
Also, if you don't like it, be independent and find your own place. If you're unable to then put up with it.
Are you receiving help for your depression?
Are you working? If not maybe you could think about volunteering or something, to get out and establish an identity outside of the home. Or would taking up a new hobby (or rediscovering an old one) be a possibility?
It is very hard to go back to living with your parents. When you're in your late teens and twenties you change so much, but they just stay the same - it's very frustrating. I think one thing you might have to do is adjust your expectations. They may well be behaving very unreasonably - treating you as if you are younger than you are and bossing you about and so on. But the question is, are they likely to see this as unreasonable? If you think that they are likely to respond to a frank, non-angry, non-blaming type talk about how you feel then you could try that. But personally, my parents still speak to me and act like I'm 15 and I'm in my 40s. And I don't really have many friends who wouldn't describe their mother as neurotic and critical! Sometimes you just have to smile and nod (and accept their house rules). They might not change, it might be a case of working out a relationship within those parameters. If they're not likely to change, then there's no point wasting emotional energy on getting angry and upset about it.
I'd also say that if you're suffering from anxiety and depression then it is possible that you're not always that easy to be around.
I think that basically it sounds like you need to try to let go the things that annoy you about your parents (because parents are pretty much always annoying) and work on yourself - your own interests, skills, career, friendships etc. Definitely don't stress about not having a boyfriend - that kind of thing falls into place when you're more sorted life-wise and it's normal to be single at your age.
no chance to really escape house or leave home without jeopardising assessments
Escaping the house and leaving home are quite different things. Perhaps your depression is making both seem as impossible as each other? Like pps, I think you need get out of the house as often as possible. Go for a walk every day.Go to the cinema every week. Do things with your siblings. Visit every museum and gallery in your home town. And, in the meantime, make a chuff chart and cross off the days until you're independent again.
OP, first of all, if you want a big cry and can, have one.
It must be really difficult and I don't have any practical advice, other than get out as much as possible to library, etc. Although... the summer does sound very far, more than half a year. Can you not move out and into a house-share ?
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