Advised that I should avoid family day tomorrow. .but I still feel iabu.

(21 Posts)
lborgia Sun 27-Dec-15 10:19:43

Tomorrow is the first opportunity that in laws have for everyone to get together. We've had a lovely Christmas so far despite my being sick.

Because I need to talk to a psych sometimes to re-frame how i deal with some of my own relatives, i mentioned a few days ago that I had just found out we were expected at SIL for the day.

The result of that is that it would be reasonable to avoid. Meanwhile i have now got a horrible eye infection that is fine, it won't spread to them or anything, but it adds to the list of reasons not to go. I'm trying to be brief. Reasons not to go include:
SIL had been trying to create divisions for almost 15 years, between us and gps, me and dh, also tries to force everyone to behave the way she wants, even had a serious discussion with me about how i was risking ds brain through tv watching, not breast feeding long enough blah blah.

Didn't ever tell me/invite me/ask me about tomorrow's plans, just told dh that it was happening and implied that the rest of us knew. Therefore he didn't say anything to me until last minute, and looked very confused when i had no idea what he was talking about. This does not bode well ime.

She announced that non of us will be buying presents for adults "it's all about the kids" (previous thread on that! ), and everyone in their family capitulated (again) even though I now know that like me they'd already bought stuff.

SIL will have cooked an odd assortment of stuff that will include as many eggs as possible and then say "oops!i always forget about ds1's allergy!" (winsome emoticon) - eg a cake with 8 eggs in it, quiche, egg glazed sausage rolls. I kid not.

DH will be really cross and upset if i don't go, we will not get out in under 5 hours.

I've been flat with a tummy bug, now the eye, tummy bug played havoc with medicines so mentally a little all over the place, no guarantee i will keep my thoughts to myself/not blub/finally tell her the truth as i see it.

How do I tell dh, and would it be reasonable to stay home and watch TV ? I have a feeling i should be a grown up and "suck it up". Isn't there one of these in every family (i have two on my side at least?

neonrainbow Sun 27-Dec-15 10:22:10

Stay home and tell him youre not feeling up to it. Sounds like your son would be safest at home with you too.

BuggerLumpsAnnoyed Sun 27-Dec-15 10:25:21

No no no! Just the fact that SIL seems to be a massive twat is reason enough, but obviously DH make a allowances for his sister BUT you are really unwell.

I am sad that your DH would put pressure on you to go under all these circumstances

coconutpie Sun 27-Dec-15 10:28:55

Stay at home and keep your son with you. Your SIL sounds like a twat.

BarbarianMum Sun 27-Dec-15 10:32:29

It is not your fault that you are/have been ill (it is not your fault that SiL is a bitch but that's actually irrelevant on this occasion). You need to rest, so stay home.

On a separate note, you need to have a serious talk with your dh about why you both need to stop throwing yourselves under the bus to please your SiL. You really don't achieve anything by it.

mamas12 Sun 27-Dec-15 10:33:37

Is your dh really on your side?
Then you have options
1 you stay home he goes with ds for a limited amount of time say two hours as you are not well
2 you and ds stay at home and dh stays for as long as he can last
3 you all go for two hours max
4 you all go with the warning to dh that you are not responsible for what you say air reaction to your sil and is he ready for that

Nanny0gg Sun 27-Dec-15 10:34:08

I've been flat with a tummy bug, now the eye, tummy bug played havoc with medicines so mentally a little all over the place, no guarantee i will keep my thoughts to myself/not blub/finally tell her the truth as i see it.

Maybe the 'truth' wouldn't be such a bad thing? Although maybe not over Christmas.

Have you said all this to your DH?

pictish Sun 27-Dec-15 10:34:27

On this occasion no. Don't go. Remind your h that you are a person in your own right and bullying you into doing what he wants by being cross and upset would be unreasonable. You are not obliged to jump to, particularly when you feel as run down as you do.

elQuintoConyo Sun 27-Dec-15 10:35:00

Fuck that shit. In a nutshell.

Could you bullet point all the reasons you have mentioned and hand it to your DH?

DH's dad, one brother and one sister all live together, all single (well, DMil died 5 years ago). For the last couple of years they have come to us for Christmas lunch. We have a 4yo DS, they all chip in playing with him and his new toys, show great patience with his noise and energy, appreciate the food, help clear up, DSil brings dessert etc. DH's oldest brother got divorced this year so now lives in the (large) family home, too. We invited family for Sunday lunch about 6 weeks ago, it was hideous. Newly-divorced Bil sat there with a face like a bulldog chewing a wasp, no conversation, no thanks for the invite, the food, no help, arrived empty handed. Just an arse really. I told DH that he wasn't welcome for Christmas lunch (plus if he couldn't spend the day watching his own 5 dc opening presents, he'd find it unbearable watching our ds). DH agreed and that was that. As it turns out, he spent it with his ex and the dc anyway, nd we had to cancel lunch due to illness.

What I'm trying to say, amidst my waffle, is that DH backed me 100%. I hear so many stories of people having a shit time with extended family/in-laws and just putting up with it because we're supposed to, think if the kids etc.

Utter tosh.

I think you would be truly justified in not going. Take care of yourself - both chocolate/tv/nice book-wise, and health-wise. It is ok to prioritise yourself, and your dc flowers

Chopz Sun 27-Dec-15 10:35:50

Stay at home and recover.

Your DH should go armed with stuff your allergic DS can eat.

Her communicating with DH only is fine as long as he passes info on. I'm sure that bits just a misunderstanding and nothing malicious.

willowcatkin111 Sun 27-Dec-15 10:37:18

Stay at home - in fact all of you should. If she did not formally invite you don't go. Let dh have chance to see his parents at a different time to swap gifts etc. You are all letting her get away with her appalling behaviour and it is time someone took a stand!

lborgia Sun 27-Dec-15 10:39:10

The thing is, when i write it all down like that it looks horrific, but of course this is all over years, so it doesn't seem such a deal breaker for him. It's his sister, she ruled the family for years until i turned up and looked like this hmm but he's been getting it more and more right and even intervened on occasion.

Ds1 is now 10, taller that SIL and can eat wotsits all day, i will send him with a family pack grin He adores his cousins, in fact all the kids will have a massive love in and be completed delighted with the whole thing.

Thanks for making me hoot with laughter - more than one of you calling SIL a twat seems incredibly subversive as well as hilarious. Cheers me up no end.

bakingaddict Sun 27-Dec-15 10:43:25

Your tummy bug and eye infection scream that you have a virus which is very contagious. Stay put saying you don't want to risk passing it on

lborgia Sun 27-Dec-15 10:48:31

Oops, slow typing. We invited gps for Christmas lunch and even though i may hovered by the door it was all great (went down like a lead balloon because it wasn't supposed to be the year for us all getting together, but they didn't have plans and we were having a nice lunch. SIL invited herself and old family friends to gps house for afternoon tea so they couldn't get too comfy pissed at ours and kept worrying they should make a move to go and get ready for the guests).

BUT absolutely cannot keep cousins apart, and wouldn't want to - other SIL is bringing her two as well so 6 of them and it's very touching to see.

Chopz the reason i said "ime" about the lack of clear invite is that this is the sort of stuff she does all the time to skew things. Sounds small, but so's a dripping tap.. smile

WiryElevator Sun 27-Dec-15 10:57:29

I'm going to go against the grain and say go. Can you get yourself into a place in your head where she doesn't affect you? Can you use strategies to offset the shite, like the Wotsits you will arm DS with? Because it isn't just that you don't go, it's how it affects your DS and your DH if you don't go. Will anyone say or comment on it without you there in front of them?

You mention that DH has been getting it more and more right, so I think I would go to encourage him to do this more. Explain to him how shite you are feeling and that you almost need him to look out for you as you have low energy atm. I'd also set it up to say that you can only stay eg 4 hours, or not go.

There are some toxic people in DHs family that we had to spend Xmas Day with last year. I was dreading it, but had to go. No one really enjoyed it, but we knew we just had to get through the day politely and then we could enjoy the rest of the holidays. If, however, I'd had a SIL that pulled the kind of shit you talk about on a regular basis, I'd be making a lot of snarky comments and probably be bit hing about her to the others getting others onside with my viewpoint too.

TeaFathers Sun 27-Dec-15 11:16:32

don't go.
she's a twat.
lay down the law with DH too. why does he get to boss you around?

lborgia Sun 27-Dec-15 11:43:38

wiry, needed you to go against the grain to avoid posting the least argumentative aibu ever smile. I absolutely see what you mean about impact on dh and DSs, she will comment frequently on the fact that I'm not they're and ask DSs If they're OK with me not being there. ..which makes me not want to be there even more. Do you see? grin

I've texted dh a warning that i might not be up to it. So now to see how i feel in the morning and do what feels most. .sensible? I really don't want to sit they're sniping either, not sure that's good for my MH or relationship with lovely PILS.

lborgia Sun 27-Dec-15 11:44:50

Auto correct needs to know difference between there, their, and they're! !

lborgia Mon 28-Dec-15 04:38:47

Just in case anyone sees this, i went. I did my hair, face, clean jeans and nice top. Got there to find 1 - SIL's bf had lurched out of bed with proper flu to greet us hmm
2 - it was proper sit down Christmas lunch with kids table and adults, crackers, full works. 3 - everyone else was dressed in full Sunday best.

I made it through lunch and made my excuses. Hadn't reckoned on how difficult it would be to sit with both SIL'S knowing what cows they've both been in the last couple of months. Also normally great mil started on the jobless enjoying the lifestyle - double hmm

I'm tucked up with the paper, ice cream (and stemetil so i can eat ice cream without feeling sick! ), watching back to back Lewis which i love and have only seem a couple.

Def the right move. I tried, kids were happy, dh looked a bit confused but as if he doesn't want anything clarified grin all good.

Wanted to say a big thank you though, all your contributions made a difference and really gave me something to work on.

LordBrightside Mon 28-Dec-15 06:47:23

"DH will be really cross and upset if i don't go, we will not get out in under 5 hours. "

This bit annoys me. Tell your other half you don't feel like going and explain to him at the same time that it's not normal or acceptable to pressure people about such things or to sulk given that he's a grown adult.

Elllicam Mon 28-Dec-15 07:28:37

Well done you did well.

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