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To put as much distance between myself and dh as possible today

(47 Posts)
bornwithaplasticspoon Sun 27-Dec-15 08:34:19

Boxing day at the inlaws yesterday. DH and I with dd who is 8. BIL and SIL with their two dc's (10) and MIL and FIL.

Dh has quite an interesting job. He works hard and loves it. Other people always interested in it and boy does he love that too. In the six hours we were there yesterday the talk was probably 50% dh's job, 20% football, 20% what everyone has watched on TV and 10% bil and sil's jobs and various odds and sods.

MIL is in poor health and FIL was busy in the kitchen/looking after her.

I was on the floor most of the time playing with all the dc's and their new toys. The two 10 year cousins wandered off after a while to play tablets leaving me with dd. She had received 'Frustration' from her grandparents and I asked if dh would come play with us (he was mid-flow work talk) and he looked at me like I was crazy and said 'I don't want to play a daft board game' and carried on talking. I was embarrassed as MIL and FIL had bought it! So dd and I played alone while I seethed inside and I've been seething ever since.

At one point one of the cousins knocked a glass of wine off the dining table right next to dh (I was penned in in the corner) and he made no attempt to help FIL wipe it up. He made a remark about needing a towel rather than kitchen roll but continued to sit there and watch him clean it rather than run and get a towel.

I've had a change of direction work wise this year and I'm working towards a degree. I love what I'm doing and really proud of it. Not one person yesterday asked me about it, dh made no reference to it. I dutifully joined in the conversations about everyone else's work.

AIBU to be really annoyed with him today? Every time I look at him I remember his sneery face and 'daft' board game' comment I feel annoyed. He's not back to work until Tuesday but I'm not sure I can be around him another two days. I hate the sales but I might go just to get away from him.

hesterton Sun 27-Dec-15 08:36:46

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Duckdeamon Sun 27-Dec-15 08:38:11

Urgh, he often like that?

Why are you seeking to avoid him rather than telling him what he did that you didn't like?

OpiesOldLady Sun 27-Dec-15 08:44:09

What an absolute arrogant arse! I wouldn't be avoiding him at all - I'd be making sure he knew what a fuckmuppet he's been. But then, once pointed out, would he even care?

I'm sorry that he's made you feel this way - and your poor DD too sad

bornwithaplasticspoon Sun 27-Dec-15 08:53:56

Duck - I haven't had chance to pull him up on it yet as Dd was up late last night. He knows I'm pissed off and is creeping. He's just offered to do the hoovering. His family has form for not being interested in me (we've been together over 20 years so I'm used to it) but the sneering at me about playing with dd is a new one. He's a great provider and helpful around the house, but not the most 'hands on' dad, however he usually makes a good show of it at family gatherings.

bornwithaplasticspoon Sun 27-Dec-15 08:55:57

Opies, he knows he can be an arse. He's usually repentant once it's pointed out. It doesn't stop him doing it again though.

Enjolrass Sun 27-Dec-15 08:59:42

I would. I would go out all day.

But I would tell him the issue, before I go.

We stopped going to pils on Christmas Day. We would get there and they wouldn't have started cooking or anything. Because they would get dh to do (he is a chef) they knew we needed to leave a certain time. But they would wait until he got up and did it. When he got up they would go help him.

It meant that I spent most of Christmas Day in the living room playing with dd while they were all in the kitchen. I wasn't made at dh, because he did it so we could leave we were meant to.

So I said we weren't going anymore.

If he has sneered at me and acted like a twat, I would have been furious.

Duckdeamon Sun 27-Dec-15 09:00:18

A bit of hoovering won't help matters much and is just ordinary domestics.

So he's not father of the year?

He was sneering at your DD yesterday too. Not nice.

He knows his behaviour upsets you and does nothing to change it?

He knows his family are impolite to you and doesn't address it, eg by bringing up your news with them.

Duckdeamon Sun 27-Dec-15 09:01:43

I would tell him why you're annoyed - on your own and DD's behalf - and then go out for the day and suggest he does things she'll enjoy.

PennyHasNoSurname Sun 27-Dec-15 09:01:53

He has just "offered to do the hoovering" ???

Does he not live in that house and contribute to the daily mess? Offer.


G1veMeStrength Sun 27-Dec-15 09:05:18

Spending a day with siblings and parents can easily send an adult back to a childhood role. Which is shit but understandable for a little bit of crapness. Not sneering though. And there is NO excuse for offering to hoover your own house!!!!

LagunaBubbles Sun 27-Dec-15 09:09:01

Why are you with him? Apart from being a "great provider" of course.

Borninthe60s Sun 27-Dec-15 09:33:37

"Darling I hope you enjoy being at home today and playing daft board games, I'm out all day shopping"

A more moderate suggestion from me .... can you just tell him that amongst everyone talking about what was going on for them workwise it would have meant a lot to have been given the opportunity yourself to say something about your work and the degree you're now working towards. Also that it would have been nice if he could have spent just a few minutes with you playing and talking with the children? If he really didn't want to play he could have said so more kindly and appreciated that you were playing the game PIL's had just given DD.
I've experienced very similar both with DF and DBro and with DH (in terms of monopolising conversations), though DH doesn't talk much about his work even though others would be interested as he does a fair bit of interesting travelling. I hardly ever get a chance to talk and be heard about my work with children and families. DBro went into the same line of work as DF and sometimes it feels that that's the only topic of conversation at my DParents.
I wish everyone would ask the DC and their cousins more about what's going on for them, especially now many are teenagers. Is a real problem in many families I think - women and children last.

confusedandemployed Sun 27-Dec-15 09:48:28

Ugh. What an up-himself dick. There's no way I'd have let that sneery comment go, audience or no.

OP, get yourself away for the day and later on I'd have a Really Serious Talk about his ongoing twattery. Being an arse like that on a regular basis doesn't mean that he can be an arse sometimes. It just means he is an arse.

PingpongDingDong Sun 27-Dec-15 09:50:34

I know what you mean op. My dw has a very unusual job and its sometimes all she/others talk about. I'm trying to find a polite, nice way of asking her not to dominate all conversation when we have guests or go somewhere!

RaskolnikovsGarret Sun 27-Dec-15 09:53:52

How dare he? Pick him up on it OP, he sounds the kind of egotistical person I hate (sorry). I have a pretty important job but never talk about it, and it certainly doesn't prevent me playing board games with DCs. hmm

dodgeballqueen Sun 27-Dec-15 09:59:19

Ugh, my ex was like this whenever we visited his family. Just used to sit and bask in the glory of a fawning audience. Made me feel quite nauseous, hence him being an ex grin

Sorry, nothing helpful to advise except, yes, go shopping!

witsender Sun 27-Dec-15 09:59:23

He sounds awful. Is he always like that?

pinkdelight Sun 27-Dec-15 09:59:54

YANBU and he does sound an arse, but why don't you say anything back in these situations? Because you want to seem nice and keep the peace? No way would i have let that shit go. When you hear him saying to get a towel - "How about you get a towel and help him?". When he says "I don't want to play a daft board game" - "That's not the point. Your her dad and she wants to play i with you." Get up off the floor at some point and say "Right, your turn to play with DD" and then join in the grown up chat by telling them what you're up to. These don't sound like 'if only I'd thought of it at the time I'd have said it' things. It sounds like you're letting him get away with it over and over. Rather than be moody with him after the fact and pulling him up on it now, which as you've said doesn't have a lasting effect, be direct with him in the moment. If it embarrasses him, it's entirely his fault and he can avoid it by doing it without being pulled up next time. If you want something to happen, assert yourself.

StillStayingClassySanDiego Sun 27-Dec-15 10:00:14

I think you need to tell him how embarrassed and pissed off he made you feel, did nobody else pick up on the the atmosphere?

Do go out and enjoy the peace, wouldn't do the sales though😉, coffee then lunch for you.

TendonQueen Sun 27-Dec-15 10:02:09

He's not really repentant if he then just keeps doing the same thing. He's just trying to head off any complaints from you. So you need to get more vocal about this. Tell him why you're annoyed and tell him that you don't want to be around him right now.

Most of all, though, pull him up on this at the time. You probably don't want to because it seems rude. But what was he when he replied about the game if not rude? How is it not rude to bore on about your job all day and not show any interest in anyone else's life? You should be prepared to say 'No, that's not on. I've played with DD all morning and you've been talking about your job for the last two hours. It's time for a change.' Call him on his bad behaviour instead of silently seething.

TendonQueen Sun 27-Dec-15 10:03:05

X post with pinkdelight - exactly.

BrandNewAndImproved Sun 27-Dec-15 10:03:56

My issue wouldn't of been so much the sneering or not including me in the conversation.

More his attitude towards his parents and wanting to hold court.

FloralYums Sun 27-Dec-15 10:12:19

I wouldn't play silly games here or flounce off out.

Just tell him why you're annoyed with him. Explain it how you have here. Ask him what he thinks about his behaviour. And then take it from there.

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