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AIBU to finish what i started or do i just go back and carry on

(29 Posts)
anyfuckingnicknamewilldo Sun 27-Dec-15 07:05:04

New poster. i want unbias opinions.
Yesterday broke the camels back and i ended my relationship of 6 years with my partner.

Background- we have 1 16m DD and i have a 14yr old DD, she does not see her father(his choice) who live with us full time. He has 1x DD 15 lives with her grandmother and 1 x DS lives with his mother.
I have been unhappy for a long time, and trying to workout what to do for a year with my life and family situation. I have sorted my life out career wise in the last 6 months. I have a full time job, a degree underway and work experience sorted to improve my career and make my life better in the long run.
Relationship has been strained since the baby was born. That's normal you work through it. But i cant seem to do it anymore. I partner and Teenage DD do not get on. He shouts at her, or is sarcastic and rude as soon as he or she walks through the door. She responds back in kind. I have taught her to stand up for herself. I am glad i have, she needs to be strong and independent. She does not always think before she speaks but she is a teenage pita at times. she will grow out of it. Recently he has said to her and in front of me ' she should go live elsewhere as she is not loved her. go live with her father, oh no he doesnt want her either. we don't love her' He said that a few months ago in the car as she was arguing with him and prior to that again when she was standing up for her self and her SS when he was shouting at both of them. Less than a week ago he told his DD my sDD that she needs to go in care she needs to top being a cow etc. She will not come over as every time she does and has for the last few months he just has a go at her. I am to blame according to him as i have taught her to stand up for her self or as he sees it be a selfish spoilt brat. She is none of those things. Both girls are good, they just answer back and get emotional. They are teenagers .

With regards to me and him for the first thee years we were together i was phones repeatedly when not with him. I could not go out with out the third degree. We had to be in each others pockets. I was told i was xheating on him every day. This was direct arguments or snide commects, humours jokes. I just laughed it of and rationalised it. I rationalisted a lot come to think of it. As to now since the baby was born has accused me of cheating on him with his best friend. and this has been a constant as the DD is named after his BF and he is her God Father Keeps telling me i should be with him. he is better for me, he has a better job more money, nicer house, He has said stuff infront of the BF but i dont think he ever noticed thank god. His Best friend is a good decent person, parter is jelous of him why i am not sure. partner has a family job life, everything the Best friend wants and dosnt have.

Basically for the lst year i have been accusted of cheating with everyone form thr bestfrend to my bosses at work. I havntgivn him reason, always home on time. Tell him if i will be late. tell him when i am going out. where i am going. He constantly want to go through my phone.. know who i am texting facebook etc. generly its famil daughter or jst no one, but i refused the past four months to show him, just because i am fucked of defending my self. i am fucked of feeling responsible for him nd his feelings and hi actions. I am fucke of having to rationalise everything , i am fucked of having to pick up after him. I am fucked of being shouted at for speaking to my parents on christmas day. I am fuck of being told no one wants to talk to me. my sister dont want to speak to me. i don't need to text my nieces merry christmas on christmas day. WE see his family every day. I see my parents a few times a month speak every few weeks (Dad is a Pita i deal with it) I am fucked of not seeing my family on boxing day because he just wants to lie on the sofa get drunk and watch fucking jurassic world. I am fucked of my sister wont come to my house because she hates my partner for getting so pissed at an accountants meeting while i had a week before giving birth he was falling over. I had braxton hicks and had to drive an hour home. with him shouting at me all the way. I am fucked of feeling like i have to be on my gaurd every day, not wanting to come home, having to justify by my eldest DD cloths when she needs them, or trainers, or new school uniform. Revision books for school and basic stationary. I am fed up with not having anyone to talk to as he has made me so insula i have lost all my friends. I stopped going out with out him so stopped going out t all to keep him happy. I am fucking fed up crying because i dont want to go home. I am fed up with my Eldest DD wont go home on a day he is there before me after school. she would rather sit in my pffice building than go home. I have had enough of feeling like i want to kill myself (i wonT) but i still feel like it somedays. I am depressed and hiding it. I have struggled to hid it he last few months and the cracks started to show but i ont care. I can do this, i will do this. I DONT LOVE HIM. IDONT WANT TO LIVE LIKE THIS. I cant anymore

Creampastry Sun 27-Dec-15 07:13:14

You ended the relationship yesterday? Then well done, it sounds like you have made s wise decision. The way he treats your dd is cause to leave him. Plus the way he treats you is cause to leave him, he has no endearing features so now be strong and move forward. Is it your home or joint, can you kick him out? You don't need to live like this and taking steps to stop living like this will be one of the best things you ever do.

WildStallions Sun 27-Dec-15 07:18:00

You've done the right thing ending this toxic relationship.

Is he still in your house?

anyfuckingnicknamewilldo Sun 27-Dec-15 07:25:26

joint tenancy, i cant go anywhere immediatly but he can and wont. he wants the house one min and not the next. its early days that. I needed to write it down to see it to believe it. you get to a point where you start to doubt your self . I keep thinking its all in my head. He manipulates arguments, turns the tables and never gives in on what he thinks. Your opinion is wrong his is write. Its curtesy of his best friend after a visit that i opened my eyes and the blinkers came of and he doent even know it. I am grateful for his best friend. he will never know it but thanks. I told him to be happy for him self and follow his own heart, i am following my own advice. Thanks Cream sometimes we jsut need reasurance

Creampastry Sun 27-Dec-15 07:35:28

It sounds like a good plan to write down what is said as it seems like he's being manipulative plus you may need details of his shit in future. Just be strong and repeat that you want him out of your life. Good luck

Baressentials Sun 27-Dec-15 07:35:34

I couldn't read beyond him telling your DD she isn't loved or wanted.
Get rid of him. He is scum.
You and your DC deserve more.
flowers

WhispersOfWickedness Sun 27-Dec-15 07:42:00

Just wanted to say well done for ending the relationship, your daughters (and you!) need to come first. You will get through this, you just need to get through the minor details while he is being difficult and trying to stop you.

jamhot Sun 27-Dec-15 07:45:33

YABU about Jurassic World. It's a fun film.

YANBU to split up with that twat.

anyfuckingnicknamewilldo Sun 27-Dec-15 07:54:22

thanks Jamhot. I just wanted to potter about doing stuff for a while not watch a film. No one wanted to watch a film. i told him he should but he just wants everyone to do what he wants when he wants. He comes home after work and expects everyone to stop and pay attention to him.

He has a hurnia thts needs operating on. his fiend offeref to do it who is a surgeon her said no. that was five months ago. he has been to the doctor for a refereal to hopital he has had the refereal but wont go. I get he is scsred of having the operstion but he will suffer instead. He is self employed do he insists its my fault as we need the money. seriously get it doen already. we would have managed. i work. we rent its easier than you think to survive ita two months recovery. But no he has to suffer. so the ret of us have to suffer in the process.

I cant live like that. two children is enough i don want a third

PrincessMouse Sun 27-Dec-15 07:58:29

YANBU his a controlling nasty piece if work. He won't change. They never do. I wouldn't be surprised if he got worse because of all the things you are doing to improve your life. He will destroy your life and ambition. He will destroy your and his DC self esteem. You sound to be doing really well with everything but his dragging you down.

You don't want your DC to think it's acceptable to be treated this way. You do right to bring them up strong and independent but they are still kids. You are protecting them and showing them no one should put up with that shit.

How long do you have left on your tenancy agreement?

Good on you for ending it. flowers You aren't going mad his behaviour is unacceptable and no one shoukd live like that. No one shoukd ever live like that.

MumofAAndE Sun 27-Dec-15 08:08:25

Good for you. Keep going. Sounds like domestic abuse. He's a bully. No child should ever be told they're not wanted.

greenfolder Sun 27-Dec-15 08:19:27

Sounds like you have done the hard bit. Now plan the next bit. He won't move out? Can you force his hand and find another place yourself? Have you looked at entitled to? Will you get some help as a single parent. Get planning and get moving. Your teen does not need this influence in her life.

DoreenLethal Sun 27-Dec-15 08:23:38

Can you get a deposit together and get a place of your own? nothing like it for clearing away the deadwood and what's more, they don't know where it is nor do they have a key. Bonus.

Oh and he sounds like a complete cunt just for what he says let alone what he does.

Finola1step Sun 27-Dec-15 08:32:59

Good for you. The man has no redeeming qualities. He's abusive and controlling. I am furious on you dd's behalf. It is right that you have taught her to stand up for herself. Now it is time for you to stand up to him and ultimately, for her.

Stick to your decision. Focus on the practicalities. Have you got a copy of your tenancy agreement? What is your notice period? Do not rely on him moving out. He is unlikely to be reasonable about it. You may need to do the moving. Not fair, I know but it is now about you taking full control of your own life.

Good luck and keep posting. Wise mnetters will be here to hand hold and advise during what could be a bit of a tough time. But you've done the right thing. flowers

anyfuckingnicknamewilldo Sun 27-Dec-15 08:39:14

thankyou all. I know there is two side to every story but i am glad i am not going mad. Things have got worse since i applied for my degree. granted i didnt tell him but i appiled last min in july on the of chance for october and got a place. Got materials at the beginning of august. He snapped when he found out as i hadnt discussed iit with him, or asked his permission. Its OU so not like i giving up my job. I hve increased by hours since being back at work from maternity from 20 to 30 to make life easier financially.
He mans i have to studdy in the evenings. i shouldnt i should spend it with him and focus all my attention on him when the children are not around. I have to plann my week in order to fit everything in. I want a future not an exsistance.

I was doing an A level in biology when i was pregant but i quite it half way through as i couldnt cope with the constsnt moaning and sulking, the belittling and putting down. I just stopped because it was easier. Not a good example for my eldest.

Th had part is now to come sorting out the future. He has said he doent like he house and i shiuld stay but i am not sure. his parent live 15 doors down. They are lovely but they are his parents. so will have to see what happens this week.

For now i have somewhere to live and i have a job so. i could be much worse.

Leelu6 Sun 27-Dec-15 08:41:24

Well done for ending it, OP.

Your poor dd, not wanting to go home. That's where she should feel happy and secure sad

The thing that gets me, is why abusive people often use 'we' and not 'I'? Why do they say 'we don't love you' or 'we don't want you'? Is it to make the person feel isolated from others in the family?

anyfuckingnicknamewilldo Sun 27-Dec-15 08:50:52

he has gone out . i have jsut told my sister. she has said i can go over to hers but her parents in law are their and i dont want to intrude, i cant relax at home. i am on a cliff edge waiting to be pushed. Have that sinking feeling that something is going to happen if i stay here. Not sure if i should go to hers thoe.

Why is it we always snapp at christmas?

ObsidianBlackbirdMcNight Sun 27-Dec-15 08:54:22

He's a hideous controlling emotionally abusive bastard. Don't go back!!!

Baressentials Sun 27-Dec-15 09:02:32

Go to your sister. If the roles were resolved I am sure you would welcome her at yours whatever was going on.

TendonQueen Sun 27-Dec-15 09:43:46

Yes, go to your sister's for now. Just have a breather. You're right to end it. He sounds awful.

itsatrap Sun 27-Dec-15 10:57:50

Well done for making this step op, I think you are very brave. I think it would be worthwhile contacting women's aid for advice on how to move forward from this.

GwynethPaltrowIamNot Sun 27-Dec-15 12:03:14

You have been so brave
Go over to your sisters , be kind to yourself

PrincessMouse Sun 27-Dec-15 20:33:49

I hope you are as well as can be considering what you are going through.

anyfuckingnicknamewilldo Sun 27-Dec-15 23:34:32

i went over to my sisters, the change was goof. Controlling yes hes is. I am at my sisters and he calls me to ask me when i will be home. demand that i am home at two as its convenient for him.
I get home later in the afternoon and he is asleep while his movie plays on he TV. He daughter comes in and then leaves. He wakes up after 30 min and starts ranting.
to be expected under the circumstances. Next his children return and they start rnting and shouting at me, defending their father. Cant fault them there, they are supposed to. I can figure out why he would drag them in to this. Then it transpires he want them to guilt me into leting him keep the house so they have a room each and can stay with him. He want to make his baby homeless doesnt care about her. he was their parent first.
Then as i flatly refuse, remind the darling of where they actually live and how ofteren they come see their father they see the light of day. Still supporting him but stop shouting and start thinking. Eventually they leave. Make starts offering me money to leave, money for a deposit on a house so he can stay here. doesnt understand why i wont take it (his parent money, they told him to offer it, apparently all women just want what they can get)
So wrong on so many levels.

Basically after a few hours of discussions and argument he decides to stay at his monther. disapears over there as daddy comes to get him. Hes 47 by the way. anyway he reappears asking to sleep on the couch as he cant sleep at his mothers. they have called work for him and told them he cant work. Seriously, seriously. He begs me to take him back. tells me evryone hates me.

Calls me a few choice names. so basically we could have sorted this like grown ups, but no he will sleep in his car, No he shouts at me for myslf the baby and my daughter to go sleep in the car asthat would be better.

His parents have informed him he doesnt have to pay maintance, but has the right to have her as he wants, he has a right to the house as i havnt kicked him out. ( he has nowhere to go. i am being calm and civil. They are going to a solicitors to make sure he gets the house, the baby and the house contents

Hes an alcholic, we are not married, we rent the house joint tenancy,. I can do this easily. fifty fifty, sort the baby between us keep everyone else out of it. or i play hard ball. I hold all the cards and he and they know it. I am not financially dependant, guess the fall out begins here.

Any advice on how i should proceed.

ecuse Sun 27-Dec-15 23:44:01

You've done the right thing. Don't go back - for your own sake and the sake of your two DDs.

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