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Don't know how to deal with grandparental favouritism

(111 Posts)
honeylulu Sat 26-Dec-15 21:47:09

Posted before on a linked topic about my sister deciding to cut me and my husband/children out of her life because she was jealous of an aspect of mine. I won't bore everyone by adding the background again (gender disappointment).
At the time she made clear she didn't want to exchange Christmas/birthday gifts not even for children and she had spoken to my parents who agreed to do the same. My parents basically think the sun shines out of her arse and do whatever she says. I was disappointed but partly because it's so different to my own childhood Christmases. We got gifts from grandparents, aunts, uncles, godparents etc. My children 10 and 1 now only get presents from us (parents). We can afford to give them plenty so not a problem in itself.
However my parents show massive favouritism to my sister's sons which really hurts especially now my eldest notices. I.e.has them to stay every school holiday so my sister doesn't have to pay for holiday care (though she is also well off) but don't babysit mine at all as they "don't know then well enough". Parents also see us/our kids a lot less as they seem to not want to risk upsetting my sister by showing to much interest particularly in our youngest (daughter).
All bearable. I've learnt to suck it up as raising it just causes upset and me being ostracised as the troublemaker.
Anyway due to visit parents tomorrow for couple of days Christmas visit. Had previously invited them to spend Christmas day with us but were asked to wait while parents in turn waited for an invitation from favoured sister's family (sister's family actually asked to stay with parents in the end). Phoned today to arrange visit. Briefly spoke to one of my nephews who was very excited about his new roller skates. Turns out Granny and Grandpa got then for him. My mum snatched the phone back, flustered and said "oh yes, we only got them presents because they were here on the day itself". I said "oh ok".
But I'm gutted. This means (seeing as sister usually spends Christmas there) that inspite of the gift amnesty she insisted upon, the effect is that she has engineered it so that her children still get the perfect Christmas with, and gifts from their grandparents and mine don't.
I'm so upset and angry. I feel like I (and my children) did nothing to deserve this.
I'd probably just swallow it down if it weren't for seeing parents tomorrow.
Mumsnetters, how do I get through it?

guffaux Sat 26-Dec-15 21:54:52

i have no useful solution but just wanted to say i feel your pain, i'm sure your children feel your love and this will make up for g'p's deficits.

OSETmum Sat 26-Dec-15 21:55:19

I think you either need to confront them about it, or refuse to go tomorrow. They're not treating you or your children fairly. What kind of grandparents don't buy their grandchildren a Christmas present?! (Money issues excepted of course).

GoodSouls Sat 26-Dec-15 22:05:10

What a horribly sad situation, I have had a similar experience with my, now dead, paternal Grandparents and my cousins.

It was very damaging and never resolved and I still feel very hard done by in an emotional sense.

I think you need to stick up for your children and confront your parents for their lack of support and for enabling your sisters terrible behaviour, and also call your sister out in being controlling and pathetic.

Things may not turn out how you want them to but you need to get your feelings known and to let them know it's not acceptable behaviour.

Good luck, I really feel for you.thanks

Idefix Sat 26-Dec-15 22:11:06

By not going. Sorry op I couldn't visit anyone knowing this was in the background.

Leelu6 Sat 26-Dec-15 22:14:19

YANBU, OP. Your hurt feelings are so apparent in your post.

I think you need to stop sucking it up. Stop being the mature one that your parents rely on to take all the crap and keep silent.

Presumably your sister won't be at your parents' tomorrow? I would take them aside and keet them know exactky how hurt you are. If you're upset and want to cry, then cry. Hopefully it will bring home to them how terrible it is to do this to you.

Your sister must be very insecure and unhappy to be jealous of you because you have a little girl (i guess this is the issue?)

HumphreyCobblers Sat 26-Dec-15 22:15:39

I am so sorry, this is awful. How can your parents do this to you? It is so unfair.

I would be tempted not to go. I really feel that your parents are letting you down as much as your sister, by not standing up for you. Her reaction to your daughter is insane and they seem to be validating this sad

Leelu6 Sat 26-Dec-15 22:16:20

*let them know exactly blush (crappy ipad keyboard)

DixieNormas Sat 26-Dec-15 22:16:41

I wouldn't go , sod em selfish bunch of people

Fizrim Sat 26-Dec-15 22:18:28

Can you speak to your parents again tonight, and ask them why they buy presents for one set of grandchildren but not the other? Whether they are there on Christmas Day or not, that seems grossly unfair. I would be tempted not to go if your eldest would not be too upset. Has this only been happening in the last year?

MarmaladeBasedProtectionRacket Sat 26-Dec-15 22:18:39

I think I wouldn't go - the lying, deceit and conspiracy by the sister and parents rather than the lack of gifts would make me want to keep my children away from these people.

Justnapping Sat 26-Dec-15 22:20:51

This is dreadful behaviour from them! I don't think you should go. Your children will really notice the unfairness soon, and it will be so hurtful to them.

YakTriangle Sat 26-Dec-15 22:24:28

I'd say something. Your SILs disappointment at having sons when you had a daughter has absolutely nothing to do with your parents, and for them to buy for one set of grandchildren and not the other is hurtful and cruel. You're being punished twice over for something you have no control over, and your SIL should be ashamed of herself.

YakTriangle Sat 26-Dec-15 22:25:14

Sorry, I meant to write sis not SIL.

Lostmyxmasspirit Sat 26-Dec-15 22:34:27

I wouldn't go. That is bloody awful behaviour and they don't deserve you or your children

FellOutOfBedTwice Sat 26-Dec-15 22:38:16

Another one saying fuck sucking this up. Their behaviour is abysmal and you should be calling them out on it.

Mmmmcake123 Sat 26-Dec-15 22:44:10

Tell your mum what you have posted on here, she grabbed the phone so must already know that what she is doing is not on.
Good luck xx

pictish Sat 26-Dec-15 22:48:35

What the fuck is wrong with your parents whereby they allow your sister to tell them not to buy Christmas presents for you or your kids?!

livvylongpants Sat 26-Dec-15 22:50:44

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

peppielillyan Sat 26-Dec-15 22:51:23

oh my god.... how could that possibly be? like they are not your parents?
im simply shocked....

BarbarianMum Sat 26-Dec-15 22:54:12

If my parents behaved like this (presents are only the icing on the cake really) they'd never hear from me or see my children again. This sounds like a horribly unhealthy dynamic.

You could talk to them but honestly, I doubt they'd listen. Id really consider minimising their impact on your lives, starting tomorrow.

llhj Sat 26-Dec-15 22:55:47

Shocking. You need to be frank with your parents. Your sister sounds mentally unwell to be that jealous of a niece's arrival. Am angry on your behalf. Don't be a doormat.

rageagainsttheBIL Sat 26-Dec-15 22:56:02

You shouldn't have to "get through it". I'd cancel tbh. And tell them why - because you find their blatant favouritism extremely upsetting.

sleeponeday Sat 26-Dec-15 22:57:58

Honestly, I think you have to cancel and to tell your parents enough is enough. I don't think teaching your kids that tolerating this behaviour is fine is a good lesson, do you? Nobody should treat your children, or you, like this, let alone your own parents.

Sometimes cutting losses is better than accepting scraps kicked off someone else's table.

LaurieFairyCake Sat 26-Dec-15 23:03:44

Don't go. Send letter :

"Dear Parents. You show favouritism to my sister and her children in everything. You don't know my children because you bother getting to know them less. I no longer wish to ever see you again as frankly it's too painful as me and my children do not deserve to be loved less".

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