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To risk upsetting SIL tomorrow? (step children and presents)

(45 Posts)
EponasWildDaughter Sat 26-Dec-15 19:37:09

Due to distance and numbers all of DHs side of the family get together at PILs on the 27th. It's just like a 2nd xmas day, present exchange and opening, big meal, few drinks, and everyone has a good time. There's a lot of us!

Now - DHs sister has 'hers', 'his' and 'theirs' DCs with her DP. Every xmas we ask her what to buy, and every year she tells us what to buy for 'hers' and 'theirs', and says don't bother buying for 'his' 2 as they get plenty from their 'own family'. She also always tells us they wont be there at the gathering, but they usually are. Every year we do buy for them as it seems very wrong to leave them out if they're going to be sat with us all opening presents.

This year we were quite shocked to hear through MIL that SIL has ''demanded'' [quote] that we DO NOT buy anything for those DCs. The reason has given is that her DPs family never buys anything for her 8 year old DC and she's sick of it, plus the bit about them getting loads from their own side of the family anyway.

I feel very uncomfortable about this for so many reasons. DH agrees, and we've bought a small gift for each of them anyway against SILs wishes. This all just feels horrible and unnecessary. WWYD?

Fyaral Sat 26-Dec-15 19:39:31

Meh. You are doing the right thing. Stuff her.

Miloarmadillo1 Sat 26-Dec-15 19:41:12

You are right. Horrible to exclude anyone who is going to be at the family gathering, whatever their relationship to you.

DixieNormas Sat 26-Dec-15 19:41:19

she sounds lovely doesn't she? I would ignore her

Donthate Sat 26-Dec-15 19:41:52

Just buy it and say "it's not my fault their family are crap. We aren't" and leave it at that

DartmoorDoughnut Sat 26-Dec-15 19:42:49

YANBU at all, her feelings are understandable (sort of) but ridiculous

Junosmum Sat 26-Dec-15 19:43:06

I would give them the presents if they are there tomorrow, it would cruel not to, they are only children. Sounds far more like your SILs problem with her new in laws (who sound unpleasant) but no need for SIL to take it out of 'his' kids, just because you are nicer in laws than his are.

If the other kids aren't there I would just leave the gifts.

geniusindisguise Sat 26-Dec-15 19:43:58

How old are "his" children. I'd be inclined to do the same as you.

WallyBantersJunkBox Sat 26-Dec-15 19:44:15

I understand her frustration at that family for being very unkind in their present giving. But really why should that roll over onto yours?

I don't think anyone should be left out. It is very obvious and she's trying to make a statement.

Give them your presents in the lovely spirit you bought them.

If you found out a friend was coming with a kid you'd never met you would at least take along a selection box or something not to make the feel left out. This is family why would you persecute them.

Poor things. You sound nice op.

MizK Sat 26-Dec-15 19:44:32

YANBU, she sounds horrible.

Fairylea Sat 26-Dec-15 19:45:17

You've done the right thing. No one should penalise a child because another family can't be bothered to buy anything, the child that goes without won't understand - they will just be grateful for your pressies smile

We have a blended family and we buy presents for all the step children as do both families on both sides.

Collaborate Sat 26-Dec-15 19:46:41

I agree with the others. She sounds a real cow.

LassWiTheDelicateAir Sat 26-Dec-15 19:48:47

In a situation like this where there are likely to be a lot of children generic, non gender , low value items for all under 16s would be my choice.

flippinada Sat 26-Dec-15 19:49:58

I think you're doing the right thing. DC feel things like that very keenly (have been there). Her attitude to her step-kids doesn't sound very nice.

ElfOnTheBoozeShelf Sat 26-Dec-15 19:50:58

Sounds like there are obviously issues with ILS, but it's not fair either on the family gathering, or on the children being left out, if you don't include them still. I'd do the same as you have. Maybe have a little word with her (if she's approachable enough) and say quite frankly it would have felt awful to leave them out, and that ILS choice doesn't mean you should be forced to exclude children.

Goingtobeawesome Sat 26-Dec-15 19:53:58

I wouldn't buy them a small gift. I'd buy them a proper gift as if they were blood and make sure I spent the money on the children that would have gone on the bitchy SIL. What does the partner think about her demands?

EponasWildDaughter Sat 26-Dec-15 19:54:25

I'm glad to hear this is the right thing to do. You know when you know it but it's difficult when it's close to home.

I find it really confusing that MIL is going along with this though. Both her and SIL are perfectly nice normal people and i'm just amazed. DH tried to say basically what donthate said: not the DCs fault ect. But they wont have it ...

All DCs involved are between 5 and 12. (Trying not to be too identifying.) (and failing probably)

willconcern Sat 26-Dec-15 19:54:50

I agree - you are totally right. Your SIL needs to take this up with her step DCs' family, who don't give gifts to "her" DC. Not force your family into being as mean.

Thus isn't the step DCs' fault & they shouldn't be punished for it. If this was my SIL I'd tell her to go jump.

flippinada Sat 26-Dec-15 19:55:12

Lass what a good idea - then no-one needs to feel offended and no-one is left out.

Nanofone Sat 26-Dec-15 19:56:27

OP you sound lovely. I hate all this meanness towards step DCs.

greenfolder Sat 26-Dec-15 19:57:59

Two wrongs do not make a right. You are right to take the higher moral ground

MissBattleaxe Sat 26-Dec-15 20:00:38

Yanbu. Why punish children for their parents behaviour? So nasty! The in laws won't even be there to see your SIL making her unkind passive aggressive point.

WallyBantersJunkBox Sat 26-Dec-15 20:05:58

She should surely just stop turning up at that family Christmas until they sort out their act. Then spend any money saved on more stuff for your nice Christmas. grin

WoodHeaven Sat 26-Dec-15 20:06:12

I would refuse to enter in a tit for tat behaviour.

eatscakefornoreasonwhatsoever Sat 26-Dec-15 20:11:04

read this thread...

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