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to ask you to give me a virtual slap or let me vent?

(24 Posts)

Ok, MNers I think the combination of being home alone for Christmas for the first year without my boy, exhausted physically and mentally after a new job is hindering my perspective. Come give me a virtual shake...

Not massively relevant to my current situation but two years ago my husband walked out on myself and my boy. A narcissistic sociopath (in his old military records) he'd tried to cheat on adult sites 8 times I knew of, continually lied and stole from me, stayed at home while I worked, giving pitiful care to my boy etc. The walkout was drama filled and meant to blackmail me. Enough was enough, I calmly asked him for the keys and told him if he left it was for good.

I kept my word. And looked forward to life again. I had lost my job due to sickness caused by stress, was alone in a foreign country, but I managed to pull myself back on my feet. And it was very hard sometimes.

Five months after the split and whilst on a language course to stay in the country (STBXH wouldn't let me leave as he said it was kidnapping) I met a guy through mutual friends. I was upfront about being married. He talked a lot with me as he was divorced with a DC like me. He is a good father and it was a useful measuring stick to demand how my STBXH should treat my son. At first wanted to see him a few hours on a Saturday at my house, I fought with him and now we are in a place where visits are defined, but he refuses to pay any money to me for my son.

And he's also refused to initiate divorce proceedings and move on with making the marriage end officially.

Anyhow fast forward on a year, the friend and I went from fwb, to a couple after about 3 months. I did say to him, that with no job, I couldn't move quickly on a divorce, so did he want to wait until I had gotten back on my feet, and gotten divorced before we make a proper relationship, but he said no.

He is a genuinely lovely guy, very sweet and shy and the opposite of my ex. He spends time now with my son, who adores him. I spend time with his daughter when we can, and although she speaks no English we still manage to have fun.

Three months ago, I found a job, similar to my old one, slightly lower in responsibility and pay, but in the city I live in with less stress. It was a dream come true for me, and meant instead of existing, I could start planning and living.

So the first month was to pay all the bills off, second month to buy a more reliable car and this month to really put aside some divorce money. I know I will end up paying it all, and him off just to get him off my back. But at what cost freedom!

Conversations with my new partner have gone from frustration at my marital status, to an understanding that we can't move on in life plans understandably until it's done, to not caring, and then back again. I completely understand, my STBXH was married when we met (I had no idea initially but that's another entire thread ) and while waiting for the divorce I felt like it was some kind of hold over me. I hated it.

Anyhow I have a lawyer, I'm saving the money, it's nearly two years and I haven't once mentioned any doubts, wobbles, love for ex anything. Just rationally that I couldn't afford it financially and emotionally. (Son at new school, me at new job, trying to make the best of our situation) . He seems to understand. Although he comes from a catholic culture where it's not acceptable he is divorced and accepted me on the terms I had.

So, his parents live in another country in Southern Europe, he of course skypes regularly. He went home in the summer, and told his father about me, showed him a photo (he said I was very beautiful), mentioned that I had helped him with an awkward apartment move and he wouldn't have been able to do it without me. I was very touched.

Then he mentioned me on Skype a few months ago as he and his daughter had joined us one evening to make pizzas and have fun so I guess the story was relayed back to grandma. Her response was - when do we get to meet her?

So last month he informs me they are coming for Christmas. So I ask innocently enough, ah shall we meet? It was met with a really awkward response. I'm not sure, because you are still a married woman. I will have to test the water and kind of spy on my mother to see how she feels about it. I'm sure you'd be the same if your son brought home a married woman, how would you respond?

I said that if he told me upfront that it was the woman for him, she was kind and sweet and he loved her but life had dealt her a series of bad hands and she was making her way through it then I would accept her into my house and judge her on how she treated my son and me.

Then I reminded him that his mother knew I was married but still asked to meet me a few months ago.

Anyhow we got nowhere on the subject. So this week he has been crazy stressed preparing for their arrival yesterday. To help relieve the stress I took his washing as the machine broke down, lent him extra bedding for all the relatives, and gave him my car to pick them up from the airport yesterday as transport was limited. He thanked me over and over for the help.

Before he left my house yesterday morning (my boy was with his father so he spent Christmas Eve with me) I gave him a present for his parents - I couldn't afford a fancy hamper so I made one of local products from the uk and wrapped it up in cellophane. He told me his mum likes to try new things so I thought it would be nice over the next few weeks they are staying and then they wouldn't have to cart a big gift home.

I said that I understood he was a bit ashamed of me and my situation of being married, but if he could give the gift with best wishes. I just wanted to show that I am well, I guess a nice person thinking on them. Again he said the situation on us meeting as difficult, but I was an angel for thinking on them.

Before he left I said look, I am away for a few days next week but if you need the washing machine, come round, but, I won't be cleaning much so come alone. He responded, I can't promise that as my parents might be curious. ????

English isn't his first language so I am really hoping it was a mistranslation as to me that sounds crazy rude?!!!

So he messaged me last night to say that his parents loved the gift. But they are mad with him because they didn't get me anything.

That's ok. I don't give to receive. But what would have been nice - but they'd like to say thank you in person?

I don't know why, but this is killing me. The fact that I'm being judged on a status that I can't change at the moment is killing me. The fact I can't get a straight answer from him is killing me.

The rational side of me is saying calm down, they've just arrived, they have had family problems and not been together as a family for months. Maybe they will want to meet you. Maybe later. Maybe he is self conscious of his family.....

The crazy bitch side of me is saying - wtaf - I'm not good enough to meet but they can fucking toddle round my house while I'm not here. They won't meet me but will ride in my car????? What did I ever do to them. If the roles were reversed I would never have left him alone on Christmas Day, never.

I swing between both opinions every 10 minutes or so. I've been alone for 36 hours housebound so it's driving me crazy. What would you think?

Why would it be so bad to meet me? He had no one in his life for 5 years and me for a year so they know I am important. Well I thought I was 

I'm not usually like this, but he's important to me, and I hoped I was to him. I feel like something squashed under the shoe at the moment.

And I feel over indulgent for feeling it! Aargh!!!!!

LaLyra Sat 26-Dec-15 19:05:13

I don't think it sounds like his parents don't want to meet you, but that he doesn't want you to meet them which is a bigger problem imo.

WallyBantersJunkBox Sat 26-Dec-15 19:13:18

Yes I am wondering on that. Which doesn't help. He mentioned once that there was a language barrier he was worried about.

He also thinks I am too good for him. Well he did for a long time. I don't know why - I was surprised to hear it.

So on a rational side maybe he is s bit shy/ashamed.

Or maybe of me! But he is very protective of his daughter and she is firmly ensconced in our lives. He even said one day he hopes to marry me.

This just makes it more confusing

nanetterose Sat 26-Dec-15 19:15:45

Have you name changed?

WhereYouLeftIt Sat 26-Dec-15 19:17:08

I agree with LaLyra. His parents want to meet you, you want to meet them, he doesn't want the meeting.

GiraffesAndButterflies Sat 26-Dec-15 19:21:54

He's worried because despite "split"ting from your STBXH two years ago, you're still married. You'd get cries of "red flag" on all sides of it was him still married.

Get the divorce!

RubbleBubble00 Sat 26-Dec-15 19:23:32

my friends in laws are foreign and very very blunt with lots of views. Friend lived in their country so knows much is cultural. she was divorced too, his parents really wanted to meet her but we're very uncomfortable with the aspect of her still being married (though divorcing). They waited until she had divorced before meeting but did send small token presents ect

WallyBantersJunkBox Sat 26-Dec-15 19:24:02

Yes name changed it was on my old account name for some reason. I'm getting used to the app! I'm not being incognito just forgot my user name! blush

In the summer he made excuse after excuse not to meet my Friends. Again because I was married was thrown out. Then after meeting he said he was worried I might be ashamed of him with my friends.

I'm not talking about a dinner party here though, just a hello at the door for a first meet.

WallyBantersJunkBox Sat 26-Dec-15 19:26:45

I really couldn't afford the divorce. He's seen me compile the paperwork and he knows my ex is an arse so it's all going to be from my side.

I live in a very expensive country and a divorce will cost minimum 5000 pounds. I've been open with him on this all along.

WallyBantersJunkBox Sat 26-Dec-15 19:36:20

Rubble I agree completely but it seems you can pick and choose on what's culturally acceptable...

Both their sons had children before marriage, they themselves I think were pregnant before marrying forty years ago.

Both sons now divorced.

All culturally unacceptable in a strict catholic country I think...

But they've known all along I'm married. And still asked about meeting me. I'm going round in circles.

But when I do get divorced in the new year, I'll still have been the married one dating their son. So how does that change?

I feel "judge me now and you judge me for ever" history doesn't change. That goes for him too.


Enjolrass Sat 26-Dec-15 19:53:09

He has been clear that you being Married is an issue for him.

He may fear his parents will ask uncomfortable questions or want to sound out of they think you will ever get a divorce.

I don't think he meant your parents would snoop around your house. I think he meant they would be curious about where he is going.

Honestly though if my dd was with someone who had not started divorce proceedings after 2 years, I would be having a frank discussion with her.

WallyBantersJunkBox Sat 26-Dec-15 20:37:23

Even if they had to save up 2000 to start the proceedings and only got a job three months ago??

WallyBantersJunkBox Sat 26-Dec-15 20:41:21

I understand what your saying completely Enjol. But I asked him initially if he wanted to put the relationship on hold until I got divorced and at the time he said no, he didn't care about it.

Then it seems to come up occasionally.

Believe me, if I could snap my fingers and be divorced now I would do it without thought.

It's been really hard to save the money for a lawyer here to even think about initiating proceedings

And it's going to be nasty from my ex's side. Really nasty. I have to try and protect myself and my DS over the thoughts and wishes of others.

WallyBantersJunkBox Sat 26-Dec-15 21:52:51

And not to drip feed but it took him 21/2 years to divorce also so he's aware of the process.

Enjolrass Sun 27-Dec-15 08:25:17

I see what you are saying OP and I get that's it's genuine.

But yes I would be having a word with dd about it. And I would want to meet the partner. I wouldn't question the partner but I would want to get a feel for the type of person they were.

If they were a nice person I would take them at their word that they are trying to save for a divorce.

As I said, he may be worrying about their motives to meet you.

potoftea Sun 27-Dec-15 10:41:16

I think you should relax a bit about may be his issue rather than about you. What I mean is, loads of threads on here are about crazy family dynamics, people who are sane and adult in normal life, become paranoid or insecure in family situations. Maybe he always feels anxious about his family's approval, or wants to project a certain image about himself, and dating a woman who is tied to another man still, doesn't fit his big picture.
But its how he acts and treats you in day to day life is the real him.

WallyBantersJunkBox Sun 27-Dec-15 12:56:04

That's a very nice sane point of view tea. smile

WallyBantersJunkBox Sun 27-Dec-15 13:02:52

Like I said, my head is a bit mashed at the moment. I'm valuing all sides of the fence.

But to be judged on something I really couldn't act on earlier, and which is not what I'd choose of course to start a new life with anyone. Well it's very painful indeed.

He's coming to take me to the airport later, it's an early start so he will stay the night. His parents gave him their blessing and will care for his daughter while he is here.

I said was he absolutely sure, it feels a bit strange to me. Him here and them there. Apparently they are happy to help.

I said only if they were comfortable, I don't want them to dislike me anymore than they might. He asked me where I got that idea.

Probably it's all in my head.

I will ask one final time if they will come over for dinner when I get back. If it's a negative then I'll just leave the subject for good. and stew on it silently for ever

Atenco Mon 28-Dec-15 01:39:15

I don't think it is the parents' problem, OP, it is his problem of self-image with his parents. As he otherwise seems nice, I would let it go for the moment.

Enjolrass Mon 28-Dec-15 06:48:29

But to be judged on something I really couldn't act on earlier, and which is not what I'd choose of course to start a new life with anyone. Well it's very painful indeed.

I totally get that. But as a parent I would be concerned that my dd was investing time in someone who wasn't planning on divorcing. As I said I would speak to her and want to meet you. If she said no, I would accept that. If I met you and you seemed like a decent person I would be fine.

I wouldn't make them feel bad either, but I would be concerned as she is my dd and I don't want her stringing along.

I wouldn't judge you to be a lesser person, but I would have concerns.

Enjolrass Mon 28-Dec-15 06:49:26

Oh and you do sound lovely OP I am sure if dds partner was like you, it would put my mind at rest thanks

rainbowstardrops Mon 28-Dec-15 07:14:36

I agree that it doesn't sound like his parents don't want to meet you or that they dislike you but that for whatever reason, your partner is anxious about it.

Just be open and talk to him about it!

You sound lovely by the way smile

WallyBantersJunkBox Mon 04-Jan-16 18:50:31

I met them today....!

Thanks for the feedback and lovely posts - many right on the money. Sorry I didn't reply earlier I've been travelling.

After his divorce he was very nervous to introduce someone to his parents that would get their hopes up again. He is scared of letting them down if things don't work out. (Very burnt from his marriage breakdown 5 years ago). He didn't want to tell me this as he thought I'd interpret it as meaning he didn't care enough about me.

After he gave his parents the gift they were angry with him for not telling them I was so important in his life and wanted to know when were they going to meet me.

I was just relieved that they didn't judge me. After that, knowing that they wanted to meet me was enough, I felt that it was his decision to go ahead or not. Either way I understood. I've been cautious with my friends and family as I wanted to tell them face to face not to worry them that I was jumping in again.

So he made the decision and we had a coffee in my lunch hour. Bless him, he was so nervous he was sweating. smile

They were lovely, funny and sweet people. Had lots of questions about my present which has now been packed to show everyone proudly at home. grin

Now everyone seems happy (especially me when he told me they thought I was beautiful with no alcohol involved!) and he is relieved it's all over.

One thing that's given me clarity is to really work on the divorce and get it done at all costs, as I hadn't realised it could be such an issue, so that was valuable feedback. I know there's no going back but it's the one true way to clarify that I guess.

Happy new year all! Now I need to learn more Portuguese!

Atenco Mon 04-Jan-16 19:59:02

What a lovely outcome, OP. Congratulations

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