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Aibu about Xmas card and gift tag messages

(11 Posts)
shopaholic999 Sat 26-Dec-15 18:16:02

i could do with a little perspective on this as it seems to be niggling at me..

For a bit of a back story on the first Aibu..

I have an older dc aged 10 and 2 year old with dh..dc1 sees his dad and that side of his family regularly and we take it in turns at Xmas. Anyway, bil and his gf have 4 dc between them (gf has a dc same age as dc1 who doesn't have any contact with his dad and doesn't have much other family like my dc1 does) anyway, 3 of the children are biologically our nieces and nephews but we treat the eldest like we do the others so when it comes to writing cards and gifts we always sign it love auntie x and uncle y like we do with the other children so as not to make the eldest feel different.

So we exchange gifts with bil and gf and I noticed that on the gift tags (it was actually a piece of paper sellotaped to the present, that's why I noticed it so much) one was signed off auntie and uncle etc (to mine and dh child) but just their names on my dc1!!

This has upset me quite a bit as they clearly don't see themselves as dc1 auntie and uncle baring in mind they've been in his life 8 years! Am I over thinking this? I'd hate for dc1 to feel different to his younger siblings just because he doesn't share the same dad! Dh says he understands how I feel (not sure if he's just trying to keep the peace) we aren't sure who has written the gift tags as both bil and gf handwriting are very similar. I've always had the feeling that bil gf doesn't like my eldest, well actually you can tell she doesn't like anyone else's children and it shows, very subtly mind!

My second Aibu..this is quite complicated but here goes..

When we had dc2, the relationship with my mum broke down to the point of being irreparable (her words) I can assure you all I have tried everything in my power to resolve this but she is impossible and a complete control freak!! Since the fall out, she has made it clear she doesn't want a relationship with the youngest but only wants one with the eldest..bizarre I know.

Anyway, mother turned up yesterday out of the blue With gifts for the kids..was put on the spot but because we are adults, we invited them in and remained civil. When they went I opened the cards, separate for each child. One th eldests it signed off "love you always". on the youngest's, it was a very blunt "from gran and grandad". I understand that they don't know him which has been their choice but again, both my children are being treated differently and just feel bad for them.

It's not the biggest problem in the world but dh treats dc1 just like his own so why do others feels the can treat them differently?

Should I say something or just let it pass?

Helenluvsrob Sat 26-Dec-15 18:21:45

Mountains, molehills....

Don't make the firmer out if the latter!

LassWiTheDelicateAir Sat 26-Dec-15 18:23:40

I don't sign cards or gifts to my one and only biological nephew as "aunt".

Your brother -in- law is not your first child's uncle and his girlfriend is not his aunt.

BlueJug Sat 26-Dec-15 18:24:06

BiL's GF has no relationship with your elder DC at all. Not blood, not marriage.

YABU - and ridiculous.

The other episode - your Mum has a lovey relationship with her grandchild. Good - encourage that.

girlguide123 Sat 26-Dec-15 18:24:48

honestly? the cards/wrapping paper/gift tags are either in the recycling already, or will be soon. I would try and stop thinking about it.

have the children noticed anything? If not I would really bite my tongue and wait and see what happens in the future if/when they do. there's nothing you can do about it now, without causing hurt & upset all round.

have you had a nice christmas otherwise, have your children enjoyed themselves?

WhoKn0wsWhereTheMistletoes Sat 26-Dec-15 18:34:28

Some people don't like using the titles aunt and uncle when they're not. It isn't really treating your older DC differently, they aren't his aunt and uncle but are still buying gifts and treating him the sane as they would if they were his aunt and uncle, which is the important thing.

The grandparents thing is trickier, there is more to it than just a card by the sounds of it. I'd let the card go as the youngest DC will not have any idea about it, pick your battles.

Leelu6 Sat 26-Dec-15 22:48:55

YANBU, OP. On both counts.

Could your DH have a word with his brother and say that you would love for your DC to call them aunt and uncle?

Re your mum: she does not get to choose which DC she has a relationship with! Imagine how your youngest will feel when he's older and understands. If I were you, I would nip this in the bud with your mum now. She treats all your kids the same or she doesn't see them.

SantasLittleMonkeyButler Sat 26-Dec-15 22:58:54

Scenario 1 - may be purely down to age. My DB & SIL will write "Auntie E & Uncle S" on my 4 year old DD's gift tag or card but just "E & S" on my older DCs' things. It is because DB sees the Auntie or Uncle tag as being a thing associated with young children, and drops it when the child gets a bit older. It's nothing to do with how much he or SIL care about each child.

Scenario 2 - your mum has written "love you always" to the child she knows/knew to show that she hasn't forgotten about him, despite your falling out, and will always love him. There is no need to reassure a 2 year old in the same way, partly because they won't understand & partly because they couldn't read it anyway!

pinkdelight Sat 26-Dec-15 23:12:06

Agree with the mountains/molehills comment. You're reading way too much into messages that were perfectly nice if not what you personally would've preferred. Perhaps your DC1 has aunts and uncles that your DC2 doesn't have. Just because you want these two to call themselves his aunt and uncle too doesn't make it so. Kick up a fuss and insist/request that they do if you must but it's missing the bigger deal, which is that they all got your kids gifts and put nice messages on them. To start critiquing them as blunt and such is a bit OTT, sorry.

AutumnLeavesArePretty Sun 27-Dec-15 10:31:59

I wouldn't use Aunt on a tag or card to a child that wasn't my niece or nephew. If adopted, it's different but when not they are no relation.

ohtheholidays Sun 27-Dec-15 10:48:46

No YANBU we've had the same crap of of a couple of people on DH's side and he's really not pleased with them.

We have 5DC and as far as were all concerned DH is they're Dad(youngest DC is his child biologically)we've been together for 10 years and all of the children are under my DH's surname.

There's been step children in my family before and they were all treated the same and it's the same in DH's family it's just two members of his family seem to have forgotten that.

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