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AIBU to think that my mum got her enough?

(905 Posts)
LookingForwardto2016 Sat 26-Dec-15 17:33:50

My mum came to visit today, and she brought the children's Christmas presents from her.

I have three children and my dp has one child plus the three we have together. For our three, my mum got them a toy, some pyjamas, some chocolates, some colouring things and £30 each. My mum got my dp's child "just" some colouring things and some chocolates.

Am I being unreasonable to think my mum got her enough? My dp agrees with me because my mum doesn't really know her but wanted to make sure she still had something to open. Plus my mum is aware that she has a whole other family on her mum's side that she will have got presents from. But she was looking around for "the rest" of hers and was really ungrateful about the ones she actually did get. DP had to explain to her that she can't always have everything the same when her siblings have different family to her especially when they don't know her very well.

I'm not saying that she doesn't like her, but she should be able to give her grandchildren a little bit more because they are her grandchildren surely. And my children should be able to benefit from their mum's side of the family in the same way their sister has with her mum's side of the family.

What do others think?

afreshstartplease Sat 26-Dec-15 17:35:59

How old are the dc?,

WorraLiberty Sat 26-Dec-15 17:36:23

I don't think your Mum is wrong.

But if it were me and I knew the other child was going to be there, I would have tried to make it more equal.

But that's just me. It doesn't mean it's right or wrong.

ChristmasHousewife Sat 26-Dec-15 17:36:52

I'm sorry but I think you're all being VVV U. I'd be absolutely incandescent if my in laws treated my son from a previous relationship so terribly. Children feel these things really hard. Poor SDD.

TaliZorah Sat 26-Dec-15 17:37:04

I dunno. I have a son with an ex, I'd like to think if I have any future children they'd all be treated the same. It's fine to buy different presents for different children but to buy 3 all the same and 1 less is a bit upsetting for the child

That said she doesn't know her that well and it was nice she got her a present

Not sure

Shutthatdoor Sat 26-Dec-15 17:39:01

I don't think YABU.

As you say they have a whole other side of family that your DC don't have.

LookingForwardto2016 Sat 26-Dec-15 17:40:03

The DC are 2, 4, 6 and dp's dd is 10.

Funinthesun15 Sat 26-Dec-15 17:41:58


Does your DP ex MIL buy presents for your DC?

Your DSD is not your DM grandchild.

AutumnLeavesArePretty Sat 26-Dec-15 17:42:53

How can they not know her very well if you've been together long enough to have three DC together? Sounds like present buying is the least of the littoe girls problem.

She is free to buy what she likes but if she knew they would all be together it was unfair to do it in front of the child. That's quite awful, both from her and the other adults who allowed her to be seen as second best.

theycallmemellojello Sat 26-Dec-15 17:43:12

No you're not u, but I can understand that this is hard for a 10 year old to get. It's a hard situation, there probably isn't a way to prevent upset all the time.

Creampastry Sat 26-Dec-15 17:43:12

Your dp's dd is an ungrateful child, a token gift was very nice and more than she should have expected.

twofingerstoGideon Sat 26-Dec-15 17:43:51

If your DP'S DD is close enough for you to refer to her as your children's 'sister' (which you do), then it seems mean. If it's a new relationship and you and your mother barely know this child, a token gift is fine.

Nanofone Sat 26-Dec-15 17:44:46

It was mean not to give her the same. She may not be a DGD zany blood but she should certainly be treated as such.

TTTatty Sat 26-Dec-15 17:47:03

Not mean at all! Does this dd grandparents on her other side buy for your children? No, of course not!
A token present is all that was required and an explanation that things are not the same. Otherwise the dd gets more presents than your younger ones - how would that be fair?

Fair does not always mean treating everyone the same at every opportunity.

Bubblesinthesummer Sat 26-Dec-15 17:48:59

It was mean not to give her the same. She may not be a DGD zany blood but she should certainly be treated as such.

Would you expect DP ex MIL to buy OPs children presents? It is the same relationship.

YANBU. Your DP daughter will have a lot more presents from her mums family.

Gileswithachainsaw Sat 26-Dec-15 17:50:35

I see both sides tbh

colouring things are a bit young fir a 10 ur old. and I also don't understand how if you have three children together that she doesn't know the other child very well. that kind of indicates that either your dp doesn't have her round much or the grandma doesn't really bother with her. I can't kmagine she invites you all round and not the dd??

it does seem.kimd if kean to single ger out like that. Kids don't care about biology. families are made on so many ways it's really unfair to be so pedantic with parentage when buying fir children at xmas if all times

Gileswithachainsaw Sat 26-Dec-15 17:52:08

kind of mean

bloody typos

Dipankrispaneven Sat 26-Dec-15 17:56:55

Does your DP's mother give your children anything when she's giving presents to his child?

AnUtterIdiot Sat 26-Dec-15 17:59:00

She got enough. Plenty of family on her mother's side giving her gifts that yours won't get. It is hard to sit and watch other kids opening lots of presents but that happened to me when I was small and spent Xmas with my cousins. I had lots of gifts waiting for me at home.

eastwest Sat 26-Dec-15 18:01:46

I think if you are going to visit a household, at Christmas, when there are a lot of children there, you should make an effort to get them all the same /comparable thing no matter if they are related or not. I think that is just courtesy and kindness. In this case, I think your mum should have given each child 'just' chocolates and crayons, and put the £30 discreetly for her own grandchildren into a savings account set up for them.

CrohnicallyAspie Sat 26-Dec-15 18:02:26

Does your DP's DD live with you or with her mum? I think if he is NRP then it's fair enough to just get her a token gift, and that would explain why your mum doesn't know her very well. My brothers have a different mum to me, I have never received a present from their side of the family and vice versa.

OhBigHairyBollocks Sat 26-Dec-15 18:03:08

You've had three children together, how on earth does your DM not know her very well?!

YABVU to single her out on Christmas day. Thats really nasty and really bloody damaging. If you had done your DCs gifts at a different time when DSD wasnt around then I suspect she wouldn't have reacted the way she did

peppielillyan Sat 26-Dec-15 18:04:24

poor child...
once hit my life for not having whole family, and another time by the double standards that she/he is the stranger in the family....

If she was only getting a token gift, was it fair to give her that when the others were opening so much more? Would it not have been kinder to wait until she had gone home (assuming the OP's dh is the NRP - because if she lives with the OP and her family, then giving her so much less would be worse, somehow)?

DixieNormas Sat 26-Dec-15 18:06:45

well many years ago when I lived with someone who had dc my family didn't spend as much on them as they did my dc, they still had quite a bit but it didn't amount to the same. Ex dps were the same with my dc, none of the dc had a problem with it.

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