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AIBU to be upset my dh headed out for 3 hours this evening?

(51 Posts)
Lilifer Sat 26-Dec-15 01:09:17

I know its AIBU but please be gentle as I am feeling really upset by this, maybe overreacting but if I am its probably becuase we have been having some marriage counselling.

I live 4 hours from my family and live in my dh home town where he runs a retail business, so as he works up to xmas eve every year we always have xmas here and never with my folks.

This is fine, no problem with that. But he has 3 brothers, all married, two of the brothers have young kids (five kids under 8) and they were all home for christmas staying with PILs. We went to visit them this morning, (they live 5 mins away) only meant to stay an hour or so but it ended up being 3 hours, which knackered my xmas lunch plans a bit, and we ended up eating a lot later, which meant my kids (have 5 dc between 15 and 7) were all a bit tired and grumpy by the time we ate.

I didnt really mind cos I was just happy that we were all back in our own house and was looking forward to clearing up dinner and sitting down with qulaity street and xmas tv, with dh and kids. (it had been really hectic at the in laws, kids and toys and pressies and tantrums everywhere, and all great fun gor the kids but a bit manic for the adults, not that relaxing. Dh was happy to get home.

But then he said would i mind if he went back round to his folks tonight as he wanted t spend more time with his brothers when the little ones had gone to bed, like heading out around 8.30. I was a bit taken aback and a bit disappointed becuase i was looking forward to us all spending the eveining together, also felt we had sort of "done" our 3 hours earlier and didnt see any real need for him to go back. But i didnt want to stop him from seeing his brothers so asked him to go out whilest i watched the Downton special with my girls and be home by time it finished at 10.45 so we could sit up for an hour or so after it and have a drink and a chat about the day. He was totally happy with this and headed out 8.40 to be home by 10.45.

He texted me at 11 to say he was still there and would come home soon. He finally arrived home 11.40, having been out of house 3 hours. Kids were all away to bed and i had been sitting waiting on him since 10.45.

Im really upset, disappointed and a bit fed up. I didnt really want him heading out in the first place but was happy to compromise but just feel that the compromise was all by me and he just headed home when it suited him. Its kind of spoiled the end of the day for me, hes kind of acting like im making a fuss about nothing, (i did cry a bit, probably as much tired as upset) and hes all like its not the end of the world that he is a bit late etc, but AIBU to think 3 hours round at his folks when we were already there for 3 hours earlier is a bit much and that he should have done what he said he would and just make sure he was in the door when he himself said he would be.

Part of me thinks i shouldnt even have to have this chat with him. If he would rather be over there than with us then why on earth should i care and i shouldnt let it hurt me or get t me, just ignore it and get on with things.

DaisyChain87 Sat 26-Dec-15 01:16:26

I don't think you're BU at all OP, I would be very hurt by this too. I think I'd try to get some sleep and then talk this over again with him tomorrow. I hope that this hasn't totally ruined your day flowers

Bluecarrot Sat 26-Dec-15 01:17:04

If this happened on any other day, what would your reaction be?

I think sometimes things are magnified at Christmas because we have this idea that everything needs to be perfect because it's Christmas.

Tbh, I'm surprised that an hour seemed like enough for a visit esp if the extended family are from out of town.

I think he was unreasonable for not being back when he said he would, but don't let it spoil tomorrow. Have a great family day then smile

Lilifer Sat 26-Dec-15 01:25:50

Thanks for that. Yes I do agree that expectations are higher at xmas but given that we had had 3 hours with these guys earlier and also will see them tomorrow for drinks I feel 3 hours away from his wife and kids is a bit unfair or unreasonable, all the kids had long gone to bed when he came home and I wouldn't have minded as much if he had just done what he promised which was to be home before 11, instead of arriving in at 11.40 by which time I just wS tired and a bit fed up and ready for bed.

QuartzUcan Sat 26-Dec-15 01:26:12

aww, I think he really wanted to spend some (quality) time with his brothers who by the sounds of it have busy lives and do not live locally enough to see often?
By your own admission the daytime visit was fraught and not relaxing for adults.
Your little ones had gone to bed and you were watching Downton with your girls.
He was back a little later than planned, but not desperately late/drunk etc.

I understand that you are not near family but you should allow him some guilt free time with his siblings as they were visiting.

When will you all get a chance to visit your family flowers? Soon I hope.

Headmelt Sat 26-Dec-15 01:26:33

Yanbu. But sometimes time slips by faster than you think. He probably just forgot because he was enjoying his time with his brothers. Hopefully, he will make it up to you tomorrow. Try not to let it ruin your day flowers.

QuartzUcan Sat 26-Dec-15 01:29:06

Cross posted with you saying that you are all meeting again tomorrow.

I do understand how left out/low this evening may have made you feel.

Can you have a proper chat before you head off tomorrow to meet up with them all again?

leaningtoweroflego Sat 26-Dec-15 01:37:23

YANBU I would feel totally let down.

fanjoforthemammaries7850 Sat 26-Dec-15 05:58:47

Sorry I think YABU.

His brothers are there visiting and it's totally fair enough he wants to see them. He sees you every day. And Christmas is indeed just one day like any other.

I can understand your feelings but sorry I think YABU.

skippy67 Sat 26-Dec-15 07:29:13

I think YABU. He wanted to see his brothers, and he was only an hour late. It's not as if you had plans.

steff13 Sat 26-Dec-15 07:37:19

How often does he see his brothers? If he went back out to spend some one on one time with them, I don't think that's unreasonable. The three hours you spent previously, which isn't that much in the scheme of things, was the whole family; maybe he wanted some quality time with just his brothers.

SouthWesterlyWinds Sat 26-Dec-15 07:52:58

I can seem both sides of this actually.

Yes, YABU in trying to restrict him seeing his family when they're all over for Christmas. Reading inbetween the lines, he works hard so doesn't get much time off so he will probably see this as his downtime. How often do the siblings come home together? If hardly ever other than Christmas, YABU.

However I also think YANBU - I understand how he wants to spend time with his family whilst they're visiting, but the OP has stated they overrun their visit in the morning and are seeing them for Boxing Day as well. Given that from her OP, she would love to have Christmas with her folks but can't due to her DH's business, I think it does appear unfair that he chooses to overrun so much time with his folks over that his own family. 6hrs Christmas Day is essentially a quarter of the day and that's ignoring sleep time. Yes, he's seeing his brothers but his own family ate late and haven't had that quality time with him themselves so it's them losing out.

I guess I can be more harsh on this as this used to be me with my family. My parents live close, DH's doesn't so when the siblings do all get together, the timings used to overrun and affected plans and bedtimes. So now I give an earlier warning for leaving so that it doesn't affected so much as my DC are awful if they don't have enough sleep whereas my siblings children arent affected by a late bedtime. Yes, it's nice seeing family, but the OP would probably like it she got to spend Christmas with her folks one year and if her family got their dad for a decent chunk of time when they're not too tired or griping about food. It's all in all swings and roundabouts.

OP - can you goto your parents next year? Is DH managerial or is it his own business? Managerial, he should be able to try and get some time off whereas own buisnesses would probably mean that maybe he closes a bit earlier and can follow you after? Or is that a logistical nightmare?

OliviaBenson Sat 26-Dec-15 08:03:25

Yanbu- I'd be really annoyed by this.

VintageDresses Sat 26-Dec-15 08:07:30

I don't know. I understand why you're upset butvit would have also been quite unreasonable of him not to spend a bit more time with his brothers who live away (so presumably doesn't get many opportunities)

kinkytoes Sat 26-Dec-15 08:14:17

If you can't get to your parents next year, could they come to you maybe? Not right that you're sitting in alone on Christmas night imo.

FelicityFunknickle Sat 26-Dec-15 08:15:49

In your position (and your dc's) I would feel upset to be second best on Christmas day.
Good luck with the counselling.

Lilifer Sat 26-Dec-15 11:34:08

The thing is he does see his brothers quite a lot as we love in Ireland and they in England and they come home every 6 weeks or so, one of them is building a holiday home here so is home nearly every month this last year. They also go away the four of them once a year for a few days abroad, so they do see a lot of each other given all married and living in different places etc. The youngest brother lives in our town, he arrived round to his parents last night as my dh was about to come home so dh stayed another hour to see him even rhough they see each other every day with work (family business) so I do feel very much like he chose to value time with them and not even come home by 11 as he knew I would be in bed by 12, as we were all up from 7am with the kids, and by time he came in at 11.40 I wasn't feeling like sitting up for another hour. He thinks I am a complicated person and that a normal wife would have no issue with this at all. On of his brothers is always coming home with his wife and two toddler kids and then heading off to see mates and leaving her on her own with the kids in his parents house so there is a kind of thought less selfishness there or maybe sense of entitlement that the wife should be happy at home with the kids while the menfolk all get together and have fun.

lilypotter Sat 26-Dec-15 11:42:40

Do you know for sure that he went to see his brothers again?

Nanny0gg Sat 26-Dec-15 11:43:17

He thinks I am a complicated person and that a normal wife would have no issue with this at all. On of his brothers is always coming home with his wife and two toddler kids and then heading off to see mates and leaving her on her own with the kids in his parents house so there is a kind of thought less selfishness there or maybe sense of entitlement that the wife should be happy at home with the kids while the menfolk all get together and have fun.

So, in his family, what the menfolk want is what happens.

YANBU but I can't see you changing his mindset.

How about, next Christmas he sees his family as much as he likes and you go to yours?

ThroughThickAndThin01 Sat 26-Dec-15 11:46:29


I'd feel a bit sad if Dh wanted to leave me and my three DSes on Christmas Day. It's more that he wanted to, rather than he was an hour later than he said he would be, that's the problem for me.

NashvilleQueen Sat 26-Dec-15 11:50:19

You are probably not BU given the back story in later posts but I will say (and absolutely no criticism implied here at all) that I would do all I could to get out of watching Downton Abbey on Christmas Day night. It's just not my thing at all. If he is in a similar vein then he may have taken it as an opportunity to let you do what you wanted and him to see family.

Of course, once you 'pop in' somewhere, especially at Christmas, it can be the Devil's own job to get out again in a reasonable time!

Lilifer Sat 26-Dec-15 12:04:25

If I am honest I didn't really want him heading out again anyway but I do understand that downton isn't his thing and I thought what harm if he wants to get out for an hour or so and have a drink with his brothers who are all in parents house but I think 3 hours is excessive and I know once once you are in it can be hard to leave but he's assertive enough when he wants to be and could have left any time to get home before 11. Unfortunately in his house it is the menfolk do as the menfolk want, it comes from his father who is quite patriarchal and my MIL literally spends her life acceding to his wants and wishes and never ever challenges him or asserts herself. I suppose that is what they have grown up with and that is what they expect. They don't take kindly to being what they see as restricted or restrained (ie or what most other people see as compromising.)

MizK Sat 26-Dec-15 12:06:44

I understand why you are upset but I think YABU (slightly).

In my experience, Christmas is very much a free for all- lots of time with extended family, drinks and games and generally having a laugh and a good time. If I had to choose between the former or with a quiet sit down with chocolate and my DP I would probably have done the same. Not because I don't love spending time with him but it's just that on Christmas day I want music, fun and lively company.
I hope you get your one on one time with him over the Christmas period and sorry that you were upset by his behaviour.

AnyFucker Sat 26-Dec-15 12:08:20

Are you absolutely 100% sure that is where he went ?

lilypotter Sat 26-Dec-15 12:15:48

Snap, AF

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