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to have different rules for dd1 and dd2?

(27 Posts)
DorothyL Sat 26-Dec-15 00:22:37

Dd1 is 14, dd2 is 12.
Both have smartphones. Dd1 is very sensible and self-controlled about using it which is why I haven't imposed any particular rules. Dd2, however, gets irritable the more she uses it, it affects her mood, she's easily distracted, which is why I want to impose stricter rules about phone access. Dd2 complains this is the height of unfairness - is it?

zzzzz Sat 26-Dec-15 00:26:30

Fair does not mean the same.

TimeToMuskUp Sat 26-Dec-15 00:38:12

No. You tailor the rules/your parenting to their strengths and weaknesses. Different DCs require different parenting and rules. Mine are only 10 and 4 and already have entirely different personalities, senses of right/wrong and levels of wilfulness that I'm having to change 90% of what I did with DS1 because DS2 is the complete opposite to him. I'd blithely imagined I knew what I was doing, having had one previously. I had no idea.

GreatFuckability Sat 26-Dec-15 02:52:02

Well I don't know. I don't think its fair to allow one unlimited access and the other not if that's what you mean. I can see what you're saying in that the older one might be less moody after long periods, but id still not hand different rules for each.

Nataleejah Sat 26-Dec-15 03:33:52

Sounds reasonable from adult point of view, but be very careful -- you might end up pitching dc against each other and cause a long-term resentments. They will not judge their own behaviour -- they will judge each other and you.

ReallyTired Sat 26-Dec-15 03:50:55

TimeToMuskUp with a six year age gap you are in a very different situation to the OP. The OP children are quite close in age.

DorothyL Sat 26-Dec-15 06:43:39

So do I handle it? If I restrict access for dd1 she will say it's unfair because she's doing nothing wrong!

ArmchairTraveller Sat 26-Dec-15 06:55:34

Tie the restrictions into acceptable behaviour.
Who puts the phone away as soon as they are asked? Who gets snappy and is a PITA in ways that you can directly link to her phone use? If you do this...the consequence is that.
Then DD2 has more control over how much access she has. It's her choice.
Some restrictions are reasonable for everyone. Not after a certain time at night, not at the table etc.
More draconic and DD1 will rightly feel that she's being punished for her PITA sister.

Scarydinosaurs Sat 26-Dec-15 06:56:02

Build her behaviour into the rule?

Nataleejah Sat 26-Dec-15 07:02:23

Have universal rules, e.g. Usage time limit, homework first, no taking phones to bed, etc.

DorothyL Sat 26-Dec-15 07:09:17

The difficulty with that is that dd1 had her phone first due to being older, we didn't have any particular rules like that because dd1 was and is so sensible about usage - if we start those rules now dd1 feels badly treated!

Goingtobeawesome Sat 26-Dec-15 07:16:30

You can't punish DD1 because DD2 is too immature to use her phone sensibly.

ProudAS Sat 26-Dec-15 07:19:05

Don't introduce rules for DD1. It's not fair on her, she's shown that she can be trusted and is at an age where she probably wants to be treated like an adult.

Tell DD2 that if she is as sensible with her phone you won't introduce rules for her either. Or could you help her to become sensible rather than imposing draconian rules.

DorothyL Sat 26-Dec-15 07:22:07

How can I help her to become sensible? Things are made more difficult by the fact that she's incredibly sneaky

TheBunnyOfDoom Sat 26-Dec-15 07:25:53

You need to tell DD2 that until she's proven herself to be sensible (i.e. no tantrums when she comes off, doing her homework without a fuss, going to bed on time or whatever else she struggles with), then she's mature enough to have the same rules as her sister.

Whilst she's throwing tantrums and getting grumpy, she's obviously not mature enough so you need to put restrictions on her usage.

Definitely don't restrict DD1 when she's done nothing wrong.

Nataleejah Sat 26-Dec-15 07:32:23

Be specific about what you expect. And DON'T compare your dc against each other.

Dipankrispaneven Sat 26-Dec-15 07:47:18

Can you in effect model the rules on DD1's behaviour so it makes no difference to her but modifies what DD2 does?

Imustgodowntotheseaagain Sat 26-Dec-15 09:57:38

But they are different ages, surely this means different rules are OK? For example, in a few years DD1 will be old enough to go to the pub but DD2 won't be.

Can you tell them that at the moment, DD2 has useage limits but when she is the same age as her sister is now, they will be different.

OurBlanche Sat 26-Dec-15 10:02:49

Don't impose rules on DD1 when you are trying to modify the behaviour of DD2 - you may find that DD1 decides she may as well be hung for a sheep as a lamb.

Educate DD2... discuss her behaviour, her responses. Make no mention whatsoever of DD1. If DD2 does tell her that you are talking to her (DD2) about her behaviour not about anyone else and their behaviour.

Just keep on pointing out that you are being fair, you are giving her the opportunity to get more of what she wants. You are being fair, you are treating her as an individual, etc, etc.

Skullyton Sat 26-Dec-15 10:07:45

Tell her when she is her sisters age then you will rediscuss the rules. She is 12, not 14.

Frusso Sat 26-Dec-15 10:18:43

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

carabos Sat 26-Dec-15 10:26:48

Agree with those saying rules need to be child-specific. When you have a big age gap, as I and other posters do, it really brings home the differences between DC - nothing to do with age. When they are closer spaced, it seems easy to set blanket rules, but actually that's not fair. You need to focus on what rules each child needs to help them - try thinking of them as guidelines and you will see that everybody's guidelines need to be different. The age limits for drinking are a good analogy.

mrtwitsglasseye Sat 26-Dec-15 16:38:07

I'd take the phone off dd2 tbh - if dd1 is mature enough to use it sensibly, then she keeps hers.

mrtwitsglasseye Sat 26-Dec-15 16:38:45

But then I wouldn't give a 12 year old a smartphone so that might colour my position.

scarlets Sat 26-Dec-15 23:18:12

Both daughters have to earn their various privileges, based on maturity and behaviour. Your younger one is old enough to understand this, and to appreciate what attitudes she needs to demonstrate in order to have full access to her phone.

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