Gift discrepancies(17 Posts)
Disclaimer this is probably all in my head as nothing has actually been said by my mum but I'd like to know if I am taking advantage of her
My Mum is not incredibly well off but saves a lot of money to spend on birthdays and christmases for me my partner and 2 children. She is incredibly generous to the point where it actually makes me feel uncomfortable that she spent so much. We're talking at least 100 pounds per person per celebration and frequently more.
My partner and I on the other hand only ever spend a maximum of £30 per person in our immediate family. Excluding our kids who we spend more on. Most of the other family members stick to the reciprocal amount so I don't feel so guilty about spending so little on them comparatively to what my mum spends.
Basically today she's coming later and I'm already feeling awful because I know she'll be Laden with gifts and all she has from us is 2 small wrapped presents and a £20 voucher. I have put thought into the gifts if that means anything. I possibly could spend more on her but I don't feel like I should be obliged to as it's her choice to spend so much and I have before asked her not too. Also I spent more on her then I'd feel like I should also be spending more money on the other immediate family members so the costs would just escalate. Is £30 cheap to spend on gifts for my mum from the 4 of us? Her birthday is January so I spend the same then.
If it makes you uncomfortable how much she spends, ask her to stop, don't spend more for pointless, gifts are not about spending the same, if that was the case, just exchange CASH!
What you spend on her doesn't seem an awful lot to spend, but it's whatever you are comfortable with.
You should spend what you feel comfortable with - if you're spending £30 on her as a gift from 4, that works out around £7.50 per person. If that's what suits you, then stick with it. Don't spend more and then feel resentful about it.
FWIW most people give for the joy of giving, rather than for what they get in return.
What you spend on her doesn't seem an awful lot to spend, but it's whatever you are comfortable with
£20 to some is an awful lot. I could only spare that amount on family this year, it's the season to think of others, not spend as much as possible.
I'd have a word with your mum, OP. I know the feeling, a friend of mine did similar this year - has obviously spent so much on my family, I actually felt guilty (especially when I only had got them some wine and another small gift in return. As I said, it's the thought behind the gift that means the most.
Presumably this has been going on for years, so if your mum was offended at the differential, she'd have stopped.
Two choices: tell her she has to stop, or just accept that it's a decision she's happy with.
You're a mum yourself. Come on - you love your kids! Would you CARE if this was them all grown up and you spending more? I bet you wouldn't.
My dad still gives me a tenner in my birthday card, despite me earning 5x what he does. She's just being a mum!
All mums like to treat their children, no matter how old they are. I love doing a 'Christmas Bag' for my adult children and their partners.
They focus so much love and care on their own children, they deserve a treat at Christmas.
I think £30 is ample but that's just me - some will spend more some will only be able to spend less. As Cabrinha says, maybe she really does enjoy spoiling you, some people prefer giving to receiving.
My DM makes elaborate gift bags for all of us, but she loves it. I've spoken to her about spending less and she says she enjoys it, not expecting anything in return. Some people just really, really love shopping in the lead up to xmas. Unless she's getting into debt or going without to buy presents then it's not a problem.
As long as she can afford it just let her get on with it.
And for what its worth she was once young with a family to raise and bills to pay and she knows what its like. She doesn't expect anything back from you. She just loves treating all of you.
Personally I would feel stingy spending only £30 on my mum, I probably do spend about £100 on her. That said, I don't have much close family so that's why I can afford it. Outside of DP and DCs, it's just her and my sister I buy for.
If your mum is not complaining then what she does gives her pleasure. The saving, searching for gifts and seeing the pleasure of others is a gift in itself.
As we get older we often have less responsibilities i.e. don't have to budget for school trips, new school shoes and general child related shiz. This gives us the opportunity to share our good fortune with our families
Consider having a chat with her but not at Xmas.
Surely the kids would prefer a lump sum from Grandma when they are older and really need it, and small thoughtful gifts now? That needn't take away the pleasure she gets from giving.
Everyone needs to get on board with this without ganging up on her. But basically she should be putting her money into the building society or post office.
That way, if theres a large purchase she needs to make, the money will be there. Plus I hate to say it but unless she has insurance you lot are going to have to find money for her funeral, or get the benefits agency to pay for it.
She is not managing her money well, and its a shame because useful amounts of cash are being dribbled away ion things that are nice for ten minutes.
Sorry for being so blunt. But I felt I had to say it.
It's really your mum's choice if she spends so much on you all. If she is unhappy then it's she who can stop. I think £30 is plenty, and if that's what you can afford then that's fine. A cheaper but carefully chosen gift that is suitable for the recipient is IMO much more important than the price label/s. Many people do seem to go OTT. I prefer to ignore that!
to be honest its not the money a gift costs its the thought behind it .i still spend about £300 each on my adult children 25 /20 /16 .i get little gifts back but i am always happy because i know they put in the effort to pick me things i would like .one gave me a set of cat ornaments from a fair trade market .did,nt cost a fortune but i think they are lovely .its a true saying its the thought that counts dont worry about it .parents love giving there children whatever there age
Thank you, seems a wide range but mainly the thought that counts. I added a few last minute extras in (half of what I'd got for her birthday so need to do some more shopping now lol) after reading a few posts saying it was a bit stingy. She admonished me for spending more than usual but I could tell she was thrilled so good outcome :-)
If it makes you uncomfortable, just tell her to spend say £20 on you and £20 on your dh, and more on her grandchildren.
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