To not want them to be happy at christmas

[Leafitout]

Because I'm not. I'm feeling angry, hurt, upset and mad with rage. I can't shake this deep feeling of hatred. I hate that women who gave birth to me. I hate the people who have stolen from me. Hurt me, beat me, abused me, sexually assaulted me. I hate that I have mental health problems. I hate that those people are sitting there having a merry fucking Christmas! Sorry to be a grinch I needed to rant. I do have a ds and of course he is excited for tomorrow. But I could honestly drag my sorry arse to bed and stay there.

[OddSocksHighHeels]

I'm sorry you're feeling so bad (((hugs))) just try to make the day about your new family (you and your DS) and build happy memories from here to change the association you have with Christmas.

[MTWTFSS]

The best revenge is your happiness! You and your DS have a very Merry Christmas and to hell with the rest of them!!!

[Leafitout]

Maybe I'm just having a moment. I want to feel happy but these thoughts and feelings are there. Going to make it a nice day for ds through a painted smile

[WildStallions]

I don't think vile people are happy.

I bet they're absolutely miserable and have been their whole life. Despite how they appear.

[Catzpyjamas]

Fake it til you make it
YANBU to be angry at those who treated you so badly but take comfort in the knowledge that you are are far better mum than the one you had.
Hope you and your DS have a lovely day tomorrow.

[AliceScarlett]

What Wild said.

[meoryou]

I think its important to acknowledge your emotions as they occur, the sadder ones disappear (in my experience) faster than the calmer, more content ones.

Yes you have every right to be apoplectic, however, stop if you can and think about how being angry is making YOU feel.

Hope you have a lovely Christmas - you're very brave

[nortonhouse]

Hugs to you, and remember that the people who hurt you are rotten on the inside, while you are a survivor. Please enjoy your lovely son and try to live in the moment with him this Christmas. I believe you are probably an amazing mother, not least because of what you have been through.

[Leafitout]

I'm stuck at that place were I honestly believe that they are happy. Happy that they treated me like that but have never acknowledge it. I'm having a hard time and nightmares as my ptsd has really gone in on me. I wake up feeling scared, crying not able to breathe. But none of those bastards go through this. Finally after an investigation of historical abuse that I held quiet for years has come to light. One person actually believed me. But it leaves me angry that he is still walking around thinking he is untouchable, in his position of authority. Her, the women that gave birth to me is still in her job in a caring profession. My abusive ex partners have left me with a trail of emotional scars. But all will be merry pulling a cracker the fucking shits

[ImtheChristmasCarcass]

Have your moment. Have two or three, you deserve them!

Then turn your eyes and heart to your wonderful son and let him fill you up with peace and love.

Mean, horrible people are ugly and vile to the bone. And they are unhappy to the bone, no matter how 'happy' they may appear on the surface. Behind their false fronts, they are unhappy with everything around them. They can't feel joy, peace, or satisfaction, let alone happiness or love.

You can and do feel love. You've already won.

[nortonhouse]

ChristmasCarcass is wise, and right. And if you think those miserable people from your past never give you a second thought, think again: their treatment of you undoubtedly weighs on their conscience, even if (as CC says) they seem happy on the outside. If they have been terrible to you, they are paying and will continue to pay. I really do believe that what goes around comes around. I know it's difficult, but please try not to dwell on these terrible people and instead enjoy Christmas with your son, who loves and needs you. And you love him.

[Enfys1649]

Leafitout I can't believe that your abusers are truly happy - they can't be. They have got to acknowledge the horrendous pain they put you through, to be genuinely contrite, to realize that their behaviour was abhorrent before they hope to find real peace within themselves.

But you - you have a DS - a chance to lead a fulfilling life as his Mum and as you, starting tomorrow .. I hope that you both have a super day.

[FlatOnTheHill]

OP. Bloody hell this has made me so sad knowing you have gone through such a terrible time and are hurting so bad. I am at a lose to find the right words here.
You have your beautiful son to love and cherish and he loves you so much. You know this already.
Do you have a network of support around you close by. You need that my lovely. These bastards will get their comeuppance. Is action being taken against any of these people. You need some kind of closure if possible on this. I hope i have said the right things here. Sending you a big hug and positive thoughts.

[SapphireSeptember]

I am sorry you've gone through this hell already, but you survived. You are amazing. The people who hurt you will get their just desserts. In the meantime you have your son who loves you. hugs

[manicinsomniac]

I'm sorry for all you have and are still going through and I'm sorry you're feeling so low.

But no, I don't think wishing an unhappy Christmas on anyone is going to do anything to make you feel more positive yourself.

Those people, happy or otherwise, are not worth your consideration.

[Leafitout]

I have two close friends as I find it hard to trust. My family aren't really supportive. They think I'm depressed (which I am) and that's just me so they let me get on with it! I just wish I didn't feel filled with hate. I don't know what will happen in the investigation as there is defiently no criminal charges to be brought. Maybe an in house procedure may take place. I love my ds with all my heart. I just feel in a shit place.

[Leafitout]

Thank you all for the comfort in your replies. I do need closure on many things. Just want for once some peace.

[HermioneWeasley]

I am so sorry you've been through this.

Are you having treatment for the PTSD?

[FlatOnTheHill]

I cant bare the sadness of this thread.
OP. Its xmas tomorrow. Try to stay strong for your ds. After xmas go and see your doctor and try and get a councilor. Yourr doctor can refer you. You need to get this sorted asap for your own sanity.
How old are you may I ask

[FlatOnTheHill]

A councilor will get your train of thought put into a different perspective. You need to see your doctor first. Wishing you all the luck in the world. Keep us updated because we care.

[Fckup]

I'm pretty much where you are Leaf, it's shit isn't it? I'm moving on from wishing them hurt as I'm realising it isn't helping me but wtf is life so unfair? No advice but understand completely where you are.

[SuckingEggs]

I'm not surprised you resent these bastards.

Put it to one side and fuck 'em, enjoy your day. Don't let them have that too

[Sammy1888]

When you feel sad, you give them the power. Concentrate on you and DS, you are the only ones who matter. Really hope you have the loveliest day

[Leafitout]

Yes I'm having ptsd treatment. But the nightmares are being really horrible. I take anti depressants also for my anxiety panic attacks. Sorry to be a downer you are all right it's xmas tomorrow I should cheer up. In the morning I get to see my ds bright beautiful face. Nobody will ever hurt him in my lifetime.

[Osolea]

I don't know what to say. What you have been through is spectacularly shit. You don't deserve to feel this way, but if you're in a place where you know you can smile through gritted teeth to give your ds a good Christmas, then you must be incredibly strong and brave. Even if it's only because you've been forced to be.

Wishing you so much love and luck for the future.