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Would I be unreasonable to ignore this invite?

(48 Posts)
Mirrormirroronthewall1 Thu 24-Dec-15 06:22:16

I'll try to keep this short, friend and I had a falling out, she lives in another country. Emails were exchanged, but she still hasn't taken responsibility for her part in the falling out, I sent the last email to which she did not respond to, so I left it. We haven't corresponded in over a month. She's back in the UK for Xmas (has been for a few weeks) yesterday I received an invite to a party she's hosting, would I be unreasonable to not go to the party or not even respond to the message i would feel uncomfortable that the air hasn't been cleared. I could respond saying this, but I think it might make the situation worse, but I feel that her choosing not to respond to my email then acting like nothing has happened by sending this invite is pissing me off. Am I being petty to expect we clear the air and move forward, rather than brushing things under the carpet and carrying on?

MimiSunshine Thu 24-Dec-15 06:29:37

Yes YABU if her lack of reply pisses you off. You can't expect to behave the sane way and the friendship recover.

Just reply saying thank you for the invite, you were a bit surprised to receive it as you hadn't heard back from her and you would like to clear the air but unfortunately you don't think her party is the best place to do that so you are declining her invite but you hope she has a lovely Christmas

theycallmemellojello Thu 24-Dec-15 06:33:34

Hard to know without more details: what was the falling out over, how important is the friendship to you?

Havingitall Thu 24-Dec-15 06:56:31

It sounds as if her invitation is an olive branch. If you ignore it she may see that as you rejecting her attempt to make up and you risk losing the friendship completely. She probably doesn't want an emotional conversation/rehash of the original quarrel and thinks that meeting up over a few festive glasses with other friends means you can both move on without any further awkwardness. I would go to the party, raise a toast with her and find an opportunity to share a wry laugh about how silly you had both been and how nice it is to get things back on an even keel. If you can't face the party then don't make a big deal of it - write explaining that you would love to come, but have a family commitment that you can't get out of and suggest a date in the New Year when you can meet for lunch somewhere swish.

confusedandemployed Thu 24-Dec-15 06:59:36

I agree with Havingitall. She's hoping to make up at the party. Declining the invite, however nicely, will seem pretty final to her.

SevenOfNineTrue Thu 24-Dec-15 07:13:10

I'd simply reply and say thank you for the invite but you have plans so cannot attend.

I know we don't know the whole story but from what you have said, if she can't be honest and admit her part in the falling out, I am not sure I'd want to remain in contact at all.

ishouldcocoa Thu 24-Dec-15 07:13:24

I agree. I think it's an olive branch.
If you refuse, that will definitely be the end of your friendship.

Mirrormirroronthewall1 Thu 24-Dec-15 07:40:02

I'm annoyed that she's attempting to avoid taking responsibility whilst pretending to be the bigger person. In My last correspondence to her I said I'd like to move on but expect her to take responsibility for the hurt she caused. She failed to respond and over a month later sends an invite out the blue.

BertrandRussell Thu 24-Dec-15 07:43:42

Do you miss her? Do you want to be friends again? If so, go and let it pass. If not- don't and move on.

DropYourSword Thu 24-Dec-15 07:45:14

You could actually just be the bigger person by accepting, going along and enjoying spending time with a friend who lives overseas. Sounds like you're cutting your nose off to spite your face by continuing to hold a grudge. If you truly do want to move on, then move on.

Mirrormirroronthewall1 Thu 24-Dec-15 07:50:19

I do sort of want to be the bigger person and I'm in two minds about accepting the invite, yet at the same time I don't want to set the tone for this type of behaviour from her.
She's called me out on things I have don't to upset her and I've always apologised if I've ( unintentionally) hurt her feelings. I feel her lack of empathy towards me is hurtful and she wouldn't accept it if it was the other way round.

LittleLionMansMummy Thu 24-Dec-15 07:50:33

Another one here who thinks it's an olive branch. When is the party? Could you reply saying thank you for the invite, it would definitely be good to move forward, but you don't think the party is the best place to do it. Could she spare some time before the party to meet up so you can talk properly first?

Mirrormirroronthewall1 Thu 24-Dec-15 07:52:29

Bert: answer to your question, yes sometimes I do miss her but this time apart has shown me how selfish she can be and I'm not sure I do want to continue the friendship, I think if she accepts some responsibility, it will show me she has the ability to think of my feelings in the friendship.

BertrandRussell Thu 24-Dec-15 07:54:17

If you're thinking point scoring rather than being delighted at the thought of seeing her again, then don't waste your time going to the party.

BertrandRussell Thu 24-Dec-15 07:56:39

But don't ignore the invitation. Just send a short polite message, and move on.

BirdsInMyPants Thu 24-Dec-15 07:58:59

You seem to upset each other a lot.

FlatOnTheHill Thu 24-Dec-15 08:03:19

I personally would want to clear the air. Yes i think olive branch too.
In saying that i think you both need to have a chat rather than you accepting invite and just turning up as if nothing has happened. Which she clearly wants. Try one more email if you really value the friendship.

MargotLovedTom Thu 24-Dec-15 08:07:11

Agree, there seems to be a lot of upset in this friendship?!
If she lives overseas and therefore you don't see much of her, and if you do tend to rub eachother up the wrong way, then what does this friendship actually add to your life?

In your shoes I'd probably decline the invitation on the grounds that I was busy (but I certainly wouldn't be referencing the lack of apology thing) then see how things pan out from there with regard to your friend getting in touch.

Mirrormirroronthewall1 Thu 24-Dec-15 08:07:56

Birds, we have disagreements like most normal friendships/relationships.
Flatonthehill, I might do that as it wouldn't feel authentic to turn up at the party having not cleared the air.

theycallmemellojello Thu 24-Dec-15 08:12:24

Ack yeah, this friendship sounds high drama! I don't think most normal friendships involve much getting upset then explaining to each other that you're upset and then apologising... I really think it's hard to know without knowing what she's done? If she insulted your mother, then yes some kind of apology is in order. If she bought the same dress as you and you sent an email saying you were offended, she might be justified in wanting to just let it lie and move on.

Mirrormirroronthewall1 Thu 24-Dec-15 08:18:47

We've had a few upsets over a long period of time. No I wouldn't be upset due to someone buying the same dress as me. Her move was in the last year. In the grand scheme of things it's a minor upset exacerbated by her inability to take responsibility and apologise. To me it's the principle.

Devilishpyjamas Thu 24-Dec-15 08:21:07

I also don't think most friendships involve all this drama. Are all your friendships like this OP?

theycallmemellojello Thu 24-Dec-15 08:22:27

If it's a minor upset then I'd just move on then tbh and go to the party. You're not making yourself happy by dwelling on it. But I still don't really know what minor upset means.

Mirrormirroronthewall1 Thu 24-Dec-15 08:22:51

No all my friendships are not like this. I don't think 3 disagreements in 10 years constitute as 'all that drama'

FunkyPeacock Thu 24-Dec-15 08:23:50

Depends if you ultimately want to get past the falling out and be friends again? She is clearly trying to reach out to you even if it isn't the full and frank apology you obviously want.

If you do want to fix the friendship then accept the invite, or at least acknowledge it if you can't go

If you are happy to say goodbye to the friendship forever then ignore away

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