cancelling Christmas(116 Posts)
Bit of background my DH has a history of 'enjoying' his nights out.
He gets blind drunk, can't answer his phone, can't get home, passes out on a sofa if he can't make it.
This happens not all the time but too often for my liking.
It slowed down when we got married and happened a few times when I was pregnant.
Always result in an arguement.
He had his work do at the weekend, we also have a 8 week old baby. He agreed to be home by midnight and no states. I said to him if he pulls any stunts then Christmas is cancelled and I'll be going to my family's without him.
So I end up with his boss calling me because OH has passed out drunk. I have to end up calling BIL at 2am because I can't deal with this and a baby.
Cue peeing off the in laws.
I've avoided him since happened on Sunday.
But I'm still really considering following through with my threat and leaving him alone at Xmas, our baby first Xmas.
The penny has to drop with him at some pint doesn't it?
AIBU to cancel Xmas plans?
Go. Leave him. And if you find you enjoy it. Leave him altogether. Life is too short to waste on losers.
YANBU. Go, follow through, it might wake him up to himself. And depending on how regular a thing this is, do as Susan suggests and re-evaluate how much of your life you want to spend on someone like this.
He was like this before you were married. Like so many women before you,you think you will change him.
I wouldn't. I think that while you are cross and rightly so, you will be cutting your nose of to spite your face and you'll ruin xmas for both if you.
What's happened since the weekend? Has he apologised or didn't he care?
Your baby will not know any different, so don't feel bad about that.
Honestly I would be off like a shot I couldn't deal with that at all. It's embarrassing ! What an immature thing to do
Don't say stuff you aren't willing to follow through on.
You told him the consequences, he said basically up yours. Go.
If you stay he will never listen to you again.
I would. The shame of missing his child's first family Christmas and everyone knowing why might shock him into action. Although I grew up in an environment ruled by alcoholism. Maybe you don't want him as a role model to your baby. It's the reason my two brothers have turned out the way they have ( getting drunk into oblivion and not caring what happens during these episodes - like a right of passage to them).
Do it. Follow it through. Leave the tosspot to his own devices.
Honestly, I saw too much of this sort of behaviour with my BIL, who was a problem drinker. It has cost him many relationships. It has never improved in the last 30 years.
You following through might be a much needed wake up call, and should give you space to think on how you want to proceed from here.
I would, he didn't stick to his side of the agreement so why shouldn't you follow through with the consequences you warned him would happen? Maybe that, combined with having embarrassed himself in front of his boss and colleagues, might make him realise that drinking until he passes out isn't desirable behaviour for any of the people he may deem important in his life. I sincerely hope it's him (rather than you for calling BIL) the in laws are pissed off with too. There's nothing saying you can't be a parent and still let your hair down once in a while but it sounds like he's taking it to extremes, getting himself in that much of a state when he has a wife and a young baby and then you being expected to arrange someone to 'rescue' him really isn't on. What happens if he's still doing it when your DC is old enough to know what's going on when he stumbles home in the early hours and wakes everyone up? I wouldn't want my DC to witness that and you leaving him alone over Christmas may be the wake up call he needs. The only thing I will say is that you need to go at this from the perspective that this is a long term deal breaker for you. There is always the possibility that he will refuse to see this as a serious issue and try to put the blame on you for excluding him from your baby's first Christmas so you need to be absolutely clear that him getting wasted every now and again is unacceptable behaviour within your marriage.
Yes leave him to it
And while you're at it have a good think about making it permanent
Living with a man who drinks like this when you have a baby is soul destroying
If you don't follow through on your ultimatum you'll be giving him licence to continue abusing alcohol whenever it suits him to do so.
Fwiw, you won't be "cancelling Christmas" so much as demonstrating that you don't choose to spend it with an irresponsible manchild who thinks nothing of reneging on his promises, and f you go back on your word you'll be setting the pattern for many more Christmases to come.
He needs a bloody big wake up call. Give it to him now otherwise your dc's memories of their childhood will include numerous images of their df falling down drunk or slumped in a drunken stupor on a sofa.
Thanks everyone for confirming my thoughts!
Just to clarify this is probably every few months or so. I've given he so many warnings.
It's so bloody frustrating to get 'yes I promise to only have a couple and be home by 12' then all hell breaks loose. I just imagine firstly that he knows he's lying which is hurtful, or he gets to that bar and thinks 'fuck her'.
I'm so just black and white, if I'd made a promise to my husband I would be making my apologise at midnight and saying I've got a baby to get home too.
Grrrrr selfish man child
Dickhead. Take yourself and your baby away for Christmas and have a bloody good time without him.
I'm sure you know the saying "always do what you've always done. Always get what you've always got".
If you've given him so many warnings and nothing's changed then you need to change it.
Don't have an argument just pack up and tell him you're going to your parents and you'll see him on x date.
Call your in laws and apologise for having to call them at 2am and say you hope DH has been in touch to apologise for his state and thank them for picking him up. Let them know you aren't tolerating it anymore and had warned him of the consequences so will be spending Christmas at your parents (I.e. Not letting him hide it from them) but would like to see them on y date
Never give an ultimatum you aren't willing to carry out.
I don't know if you should go or not, tbh.
If you go what will he do? Will you be angry if he goes to friends? Goes out? Gets hammered again?
Is he likely to sit at home thinking about what a shot he has been? Or will he take advantage of being child free over Christmas. Late nights and long sleep ins?
And how would you feel if he does that?
OP I feel for you.
My dh was a dick on the weekend too.
He has been incredibly and genuinely remorseful and said anything I want to do, including cutting him out of Christmas, he would accept as he wanted to show me in any way he could how sorry he was (he did something horribly selfish - not infidelity). He has gone out of his way to help me in lots of different ways and really show me rather than tell me how contrite he is.
Anyway last night I decided to put it aside and enjoy our family Christmas, I said I would decide what to do about the problems in our marriage in the new year.
I was ready to bail on him if he hadn't stepped up this much and taken 100% responsibility for his actions. In fact I think after 26 years and three nearly adult kids it might have actually been the end of the road for us if he hadn't.
I'm sorry I don't really know what I am saying to you here!
I think in your case I would do Christmas without him. Your baby is so young she won't have a clue obviously. It will send him a very powerful and serious message and he can choose whether he wants to man up and change. Even if this is only every few months, he does have a drink problem by the way. That's the key here.
YANBU at all, OP. Do it.
Is he not humiliated that his boss had to ring you at 2am because he was so drunk he couldn't be woken? I would be mortified if that was me, and I don't have an 8 week old baby to look after at home.
I think he's either a liar (plans to get pissed anyway, just won't tell you) or he's so inconsiderate that he doesn't care that he leaves you worrying at home and puts alcohol above his wife and child.
He needs a kick up the bum, and if missing his child's first Christmas through his own selfishness doesn't kick him into action, nothing will.
Please follow through with your threat OP, otherwise it's just giving him permission to do whatever he likes and no reason to worry about the consequences. He has a wife and child to think about and yet he gave no thought to how his actions would affect either of you. Take the baby and go to your parent's, if he really cares he'll step up and if not, well then you know. Please don't spend any more time thinking about how leaving him over Christmas will affect him when he so blatantly doesn't think about how his actions affect you.
OP - so sorry to hear this
I am with Mimi on this one.
I hope Christmas works out for you.
I agree that you should go to your family with your baby but without him.
This has happiness countless times before.
He assured you he'd be back to help with baby and not blind drunk.
You said if he did then he's on his own for Christmas.
He did. He's on his own.
If you don't follow it through then he'll never change his behaviour.
Sounds like he didn't just have one or two too many either. Idiot.
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