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Not seeing the man I'm seeing over Xmas

(85 Posts)
PJsAndWine Tue 22-Dec-15 23:42:14

So I've been seeing this guy for about 6 weeks now (so all still pretty new), so far have been seeing each other about twice a week due to my work commitments but it's worked & we are both happy with that.

Tonight we were chatting about Xmas etc so I asked him when I was likely to see him over Xmas/before new year ... His reply oh you probably won't as ill be with family & seeing all my cousins
I feel a bit odd and upset about it as thought it would of been nice to spend a bit of time together whilst we are both off work.

AIBU to feel a bit odd & upset about this? & to have expected to see him?

TheoriginalLEM Tue 22-Dec-15 23:43:50

what is the basis of your time together?

PJsAndWine Tue 22-Dec-15 23:46:01

Forgot to put

When I've seen him it's been varied in length of time etc as in we've gone out for a large chunk of the day, only been out for a couple of drinks, stayed in with a takeaway etc

I've also stayed at his a couple of times

TheoriginalLEM Wed 23-Dec-15 00:05:47

very early days i guess but this world piss me off.

MsMims Wed 23-Dec-15 00:10:46

I think it sounds pretty normal in a new relationship.

MinesAPintOfTea Wed 23-Dec-15 00:13:22

Does he have geographically distant family? IE is christmas their one time to catch up? You're a bit new to run the gauntlet of the relatives yet....

PiperChapstick Wed 23-Dec-15 00:13:31

I also think this sounds normal, Christmas is a busy time for most people and often a box ticking exercise for visiting family! I wouldn't worry too much

BooyakaTurkeyisMassive Wed 23-Dec-15 00:13:47

It is very early days. You've not been together long and he probably has plans which are longer standing than your relationship! TBH, if he has cousins who aren't normally around then I think he's totally right to put catching up with them over spending time with someone he's only been with for a few weeks.

I have to say, if a woman came on here and said someone she'd only been with for six weeks had the hump because she had plans with her family over Christmas she'd be told that was a red flag.

I really think you need to accept this and make your own plans, because if you start insisting someone cancels holiday plans with their family to spend time with you after 6 weeks of what sounds like fairly casual dating, you'll look clingy, needy and demanding.

eastwest Wed 23-Dec-15 00:15:36

I think 6 weeks isn't a very long time. He will have made plans well in advance. I would just plan to have yourself a happy, fun, independent Christmas and maybe text him on Christmas Eve to wish him a good one.

Mmmmcake123 Wed 23-Dec-15 00:17:38

Don't want to offend, but are you worried there is a double life thing going on?

LeaLeander Wed 23-Dec-15 00:17:44

At six weeks' dating I would consider Christmas too "intimate" to share with someone. It's so fraught with emotion and traditions and nostalgia and expectations. I would not insert myself into someone's life that deeply at that stage nor welcome him in to my extended family Christmas at that stage of dating.

ilovesooty Wed 23-Dec-15 00:19:35

His plans have probably been in lace a lot longer than you've been together. I think you're BU.

leghoul Wed 23-Dec-15 00:28:45

you are being unreasonable. 6 weeks is certainly far far too soon to be expecting to derail his Christmas plans with family - and many people would find it odd and overbearing if someone wanted to - see him afterwards and take it from there

MrsTerryPratchett Wed 23-Dec-15 00:56:25

<cough> married <cough> Probably not but if you had any worries about that, time to check it out.

When I started dating DH, he had to take off for a week when I was off to see family. He is very family oriented so now we're married, that's great. Good sign if it turns long-term.

LaLyra Wed 23-Dec-15 01:08:21

If he's got family plans he's got family plans. We're all going away to a couple of cottages for Xmas and New Year. My BIL met a new woman 4/5 weeks ago and I'd be raising eyebrows if she started kicking off about him going tbh. 6 weeks is hardly any time at all and his plans were probably made long ago. If he's seeing cousins etc then it sounds like Christmas is a big family time for him.

BackforGood Wed 23-Dec-15 01:11:17

Depends on things like how local his family are, but I agree, I wouldn't expect him to miss family stuff / getting together with family for such a new relationship, nor would I think it was a good time to be introducing you to them.

DeepBlueLake Wed 23-Dec-15 01:42:24

Tbh at 6 weeks together I wouldn't expect to spend Christmas with my fella unless his family was local as this may be the only time of year they can be together, he shouldn't forgo that for a very new girlfriend.

DH and I had been together for about for 6 months by the time our first Christmas came along, I travelled to his family's house for Christmas because I didn't have any other family or friends in the UK so MIL insisted I came. I don't think I would have the guts to ask.

TheFormidableMrsC Wed 23-Dec-15 01:44:41

I'm not seeing the man I am seeing over Christmas...and it's been about 18 months or so...we've just got different plans. He is a FWB though so maybe that's slightly different. As it's only been 6 weeks, I wouldn't give it much thought. Next year may be different for you both! smile

sparkofnaturesfire Wed 23-Dec-15 07:01:09

There are a few days between Christmas and New Year though. It depends what his actual plans are. If it involves travel to sees various family members then fine, can completely understand that he wouldn't be able to see you. But if he's at home with days free in between then I would've thought meeting up for a couple of drinks would be doable.

Would absolutely not expect to see him on Christmas day or Boxing day though.

TheBunnyOfDoom Wed 23-Dec-15 07:09:49

Oh, ffs. So now, because a bloke has plans to see his family over the holidays, he must be married? hmm

You've only been together six weeks, OP. He probably made his Christmas plans months ago if he was single and didn't want to spend the holidays alone. He shouldn't be expected to cancel plans with his family for you, especially if seeing them involves travel/seeing distant relatives etc.

I would try and find a night (probably between Christmas and New Year) to see him. Maybe go for dinner or for a couple of drinks to catch up after the Christmas mayhem is over.

londonrach Wed 23-Dec-15 07:12:57

Poor guy. Its only 6 weeks. Dont think anything of it op and just enjoy your christmas x

Enjolrass Wed 23-Dec-15 07:15:14

Yabu you have only been seeing each other 6 weeks.

Most people have plans for Christmas well in advance even if it's not set in stone or traditions.

I would be really shocked if someone I was seeing for 6 weeks expected me to change my plans.

As for the married comment? Really? Because he wants to see his own family?

Would you say the same of the op was a man and her oh a woman?

A man being pisses because his girlfriend won't cancel plans after they have been dating 6 weeks, would get told to get grip, not that she might be married.

RedMapleLeaf Wed 23-Dec-15 07:30:20

I think YABU and I would feel exactly the same grin

I understand that you're not expecting to see him Christmas Day, but to spend some time together in the next week when you've both got time off.

I wonder if that's how he understood the question. I recently got back in touch with a friend and she said she was really busy over Christmas with prior commitments. We managed a couple of hours on Sunday and it turns out she's pretty much free from the 27th and did I fancy doing something with her that week? Just different definitions of "over Christmas".

AuntieStella Wed 23-Dec-15 07:32:23

I think it's totally reasonable to have made your plans for Christmas some weeks in advance. And it's rude to cancel because something else came up.

So, not unreasonable for you hope he's have some time free, but not something you can expect.

Now, how were your Christmas plans shaping up 6 weeks ago? Focus on those.

Hissy Wed 23-Dec-15 07:33:08

I'm seeing someone atm, I won't be seeing him at Christmas and as I've had a crappy cold this past week had to cancel last weekend.

He still very much wants to see me in the days between Christmas and new year and has suggested something already.

This guy sounds like he's not actually that bothered. I'd expect someone to want to make the effort, given that there are a lot of bank holidays and official days off.

If they didn't, I'd be reconsidering just how much time I devoted to them.

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