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to want to never speak to my BIL ever again?

(20 Posts)
islemum Tue 22-Dec-15 22:14:09

He's vile. Bitter and jealous about everything. Constantly cheats on his gf of 8 years. Thinks he's the dogs bollocks.

I don't put up with his shit so he focuses all his pettiness on me when we're in the same room together.

My DH thinks he's a twat but puts up with him because he's family.

ImperialBlether Tue 22-Dec-15 22:15:43

Well, he's not your family so you don't have to put up with him. Don't be his whipping boy for anything.

MirandaGoshawk Tue 22-Dec-15 22:36:08

Oh gosh, I would get out of the room. Life's too short to associate with people like this.

TimeToMuskUp Tue 22-Dec-15 22:45:11

God no, let your DH spend time with him and refuse all contact from now on. Life's too short by far to spend it with bellends.

Costacoffeeplease Tue 22-Dec-15 22:54:09

I told my bil how it was about a year ago - haven't seen or spoken to him since - shrugs - couldn't give a toss

CFSsucks Tue 22-Dec-15 22:56:09

I wouldn't care if I was related by blood, a twat is a twat is regardless of who they are. Ignore him and don't engage at all. Is he your DH's brother or married to his sister?

sleeponeday Tue 22-Dec-15 23:01:45

God, no. If he's vile to you, then you don't have any obligation at all to see him that I can comprehend.

He's your DH's sibling, not yours (mention of cheated-upon GF makes me assume this - yes?).

Sweetsweetjane Tue 22-Dec-15 23:02:33

Sounds like my cunt of an abusive bil. Every few years I call him out on it, I fucking hate him but my sister seems to love him. I don't want to lose her but he's a controlling nasty fuckwit who regularly uses estrangement as his modus operandi.
She seems oblivious to the fact that he only has one friend.
I don't have much family so don't want to split my kids from their cousins which is exactly what he wants.
Already we're not seeing them this Christmas because I rose to his bullshit.

Finola1step Tue 22-Dec-15 23:03:32

Fuck that shit. Life's too short.

ImtheChristmasCarcass Tue 22-Dec-15 23:07:55

So is it that your DH thinks you should put up with him, too?

Fuck that noise!

islemum Wed 23-Dec-15 06:40:24

Yup he's DH brother. Anyone who's ever met him knows he's a twat so I can't understand why anyone gives him the time of day.

Not spending Christmas with him thank goodness. I don't understand those who think it's their God given right to belittle people every waking moment.

He is a prize turkey who has squirmed his way out of various situations and thinks he smells of roses.

Yesterday he seen his nieces and nephews for a whole hour and didn't have anything nice to say about any of them. I get my own back - when they first see him they can't remember his name.

Learningtoletgo Wed 23-Dec-15 07:03:16

OP I have one of those too, maybe we should start a club!

Mine is the most passive aggressive arse. He's sly and manipulative and has a massive chip on his shoulder, can't bear it if his brother is doing well.

He used to whisper things to me when DH was out of the room. This was in the early days so I really didn't know how to react. In the end I told DH and just left the room if I was on my own with him. He used to bang on about how damaged DHs kids would be because of the divorce and how he didn't approve of divorce (he married a divorcee BTW what a bloody hypocrite!). Anyway the kids are doing great much to his annoyance (he's desperately trying to hide it - his own child (lovely kid) hasn't done so well (trouble with the law etc).

Anyway he used to take great delight in picking on people in a social situations and calling it 'just a joke'. He used to try to organise social gatherings to be the big 'I am' which we either didn't attend (DH said he couldn't be arsed to facilitate his brother being a dick) or if he did go (I had perfect excuse of looking after LO so couldn't go to evening functions) DH would just focus on other relatives.

DH has seen the light since he started getting PA texts from him and manipulative messages through his parents. He's not that keen on spending time with him now and has pretty much gone low contact with him of his own accord.

Personally I've taken the view of speaking up when I'm pissed off and letting DH make up his own mind on contact.

why do you think you're bil is behaving like this?

I think mine is just desperate for attention (youngest child) and is actually very insecure (outwardly he's had a successful career etc so it is surprising).

GabiSolis Wed 23-Dec-15 07:31:48

Mine is like this as well. We used to be close to him but he's an arrogant shit and when he started to get promotions at work etc he turned into a prize cunt. We now avoid at all costs. That's the only way to deal with arseholes like that.

greenfolder Wed 23-Dec-15 07:40:27

Definitely not unreasonable. I had a sil like this. I just decided that I was going to have nowt to do with her. Saw her maybe 3times s year and didn't go to their house in 20 years!worked well for me

islemum Wed 23-Dec-15 07:41:29

I believe it is a massive insecurity. He is successful, very intelligent and on paper is a good catch.

I do believe he is jealous of my husband (except the fact he is married to me). My DH has a better job (though BIL has more brains but shit personality is a hindrance), kids, happy marriage and lots of friends.

My BIL could have all of this if he chose to but in the back of my mind I believe it wouldn't be enough for him.

nowahousewife Wed 23-Dec-15 07:49:48

Your BIL sounds like my DB. Prize arse who has the ability to make every social situation miserable. Fortunately I live on the other side of the world from the rest of my family but when I was visiting recently i had to spend 5 days in his company...by the lunchtime in the third day I had to leave and told him and my DM I woukd never be seeing him again. Don't really care what he thinks but DM is in denial about it and keeps trying to give me updates about his screwed up life. I keep telling her I'm not interested and to stop trying to play happy families but it is tough on her.

I will never subject myself or my family to his presence again.

Good luck OP and yes life is too short to spend time with fuckwits like your BIL.

Learningtoletgo Wed 23-Dec-15 08:04:56

It's funny isn't it, they sound very similar. Except mine has a wife and adult child.

I get the impression his family was never enough for my BIL, so I suspect that what your BIL is jealous of wouldn't actually make him happy either.

I think it's sibling rivalry in adult form to be honest.

My ILs completely enable BILs behaviour and have him on a pedestal. They pass on passive aggressive messages and bang on about how wonderful he is. Although I have to chuckle at some of the bullshit he is feeding them which they 100% believe. DH thinks it's ridiculous but thinks there's no point in saying anything.

Damselindestress Wed 23-Dec-15 12:25:23

YANBU.

I could have written your thread title myself. My BIL has always been difficult. He often used to make little digs about my appearance until I snapped and told him it was unacceptable. Since then I've tried to work on things because he's family but I feel like he doesn't consider me family and I find it really draining to be around him. He ridicules DH's life and career choices while hypocritically complaining that we don't support his life choices (actually, in spite of our doubts, we bite our tongues a lot to try and be tactful, which is something he just won't do). At first I thought it was just sibling rivalry but it's got worse and now I genuinely feel he would be happy if his brother was unhappy. I feel like he's just waiting for us to fail. I have tried to confront him about treating DH and I with contempt but he refuses to acknowledge anything and responds with wide-eyed innocence and incredulity, he never meant it that way, I must have misunderstood something he said...even though some of his statements have been fairly unambiguous and DH feels the same way. I find this more irritating than anything, he's intelligent and well aware of what he's doing.

I am dreading seeing him over Christmas. As I look at the changes I want to make in the new year, I really want to spend less time with toxic people like him. The only problem is that he is going to have a baby soon, our first niece or nephew, and I do want to spend time with them. But I will have to lay down some boundaries.

YANBU to not want to spend time with your BIL when he treats you badly and your DH should be more supportive.

mintoil Wed 23-Dec-15 12:31:10

YANBU - why do you have to speak to him?

islemum Wed 23-Dec-15 15:13:45

Believe me when I say I have very little contact with him. What contact I do have infuriates me for days after even though I know I should just ignore him.

I definitely think there is a demand for a 'Silence the BIL' club smile

Reading through your replies it's as though we're all talking about the same person. Definitely a pattern in these men.

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