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Aibu about stingy new bf and gifts?

(214 Posts)
merrychristmaseveryone Tue 22-Dec-15 12:20:57

Newish relationship, seeing someone for 4 months.

Met his friends for the first time on the weekend (friend from work and his wife) has known them about 5 years.

Spoke to the wife as bf and get DH share a hobby and asked what I could get bf for xmas, a small token gift. She said she's bought my bf some gifts that she's not wrapped if I wanted to buy something off her as I may have left it too late to order now. One of the gifts alone was in the region of £50 I bought 2 things off her for £10 as I only wanted to get something small.

My bf is going to them xmas day and has been for the last 2 years. I asked him what he has bought them and the answer was nothing. I said you do realise they have got you something and his reply was yes they always get him gifts for xmas and birthdays. I asked im if he was embarrassed and he said he doesn't do gifts. If they give him something he just acts shocked and it gets him out of retiring the favour.

I am stunned to be honest, he is lovely but I've seen a different side to him. I think it's unbelievably selfish.

The reason I may still be thinking about this is I was totally embarrassed this weekend in meeting his friends. I only drink prosecco and I don't drink often, he stopped off at a garage on the way and asked him to get a bottle to take with us. He said don't get it I will go in. He came out with a bag and said don't worry he's sorted it. When we got there the host was sorting drinks and I asked my bf where the bag was with my drink and he said he didn't get any as they have got loads (in front of the hosts) the host retrieved a bottle out of a gift bag from under the tree. I protested but she said it was fine.
I spoke to her privately later in the evening and explained and she said it was fine not to worry they had bought loads of bottles they have had for ages but they were bought as gifts. She laughed it off but said my BT had form for this.

AIBU to get a gift for the hosts and wrap it without a gift tag and force him to take it along? It's been playing on my mind since this happened at the weekend and I've asked him to get something anything and he said no.

I've not got much money but was thinking to spend about £10 on some nice chocs and wine? Do I sign it from me, my bf both? I don't want to come across as rude.

Hoppinggreen Tue 22-Dec-15 12:28:43

He's I'll mannered and stingy and lies run now while you still can

MaxPepsi Tue 22-Dec-15 12:30:09

Erm, I'm not sure what to say to be honest. I can't stand people who are mean and tight. And I'd certainly be rethinking my relationship.

I would be tempted to send a box of biscuits as a belated thank you for hosting you this weekend. BUT you have no idea if tightarse will a) hand them over b) claim them as his own gift c) regift them to his mother!

Are you able to contact them?

HoggleHoggle Tue 22-Dec-15 12:30:11

I think your bf is being really rude. But you should absolutely not make him get something - he's made his feelings on it clear and that's that. Don't put yourself in the position of starting this nonsense where you're making up for his rudeness by doing his shopping etc for him.

To not bring your hosts anything on Christmas Day, especially knowing they also buy gifts for you, is really selfish.

landrover Tue 22-Dec-15 12:30:58

Yes he is mean, sorry! I don't think that you can force him to take something, but am a bit flabbergasted that somebody is invited to a friends for xmas day and doesn't take anything. (might be a deal breaker, sorry x)

Sparkletastic Tue 22-Dec-15 12:33:03

He sounds deeply unpleasant. End it and don't stress any further about gifts.

LindyHemming Tue 22-Dec-15 12:33:38

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Arfarfanarf Tue 22-Dec-15 12:34:16

He is really mean.
Its very hard to maintain love and respect for a selfish mean spirited person.
if you give him something for them i bet he'll keep it.

YellowDinosaur Tue 22-Dec-15 12:35:16

This would be a deal breaker for me. He's a tight fisted sponging liar. No thanks angry

Kaytee1987 Tue 22-Dec-15 12:35:48

He's being unbelievably rude and mean. I would never usually say this to someone but I would seriously think about whether you want to continue the relationship, can you imagine things like this going on for years and you being increasingly embarrassed. He probably hasn't bought you a gift either btw.
If he doesn't 'do' gifts - which is a basic tradition for humans - then he should tell others not to buy him anything, and mean it.

hefzi Tue 22-Dec-15 12:36:48

Sorry, but it's not for you to buy gifts for him to give: he's not 4. He's also a rude arse - are you sure you want to hitch your wagon to such a prince hmm? The bottle thing alone would have been a total deal breaker for me - and the fact that he doesn't buy presents and acts surprised when his hosts give him a gift so he doesn't need to reciprocate? Run, Forrest, run!

hesterton Tue 22-Dec-15 12:38:40

Doesn't bode well for the longer term future.

Kaytee1987 Tue 22-Dec-15 12:40:15

Also I can't understand why people continue to invite him to things when he acts like this. Has he got a lot of friends, old close friends? People like this tend to move around groups every few years and not actually have any really close, old friends.

BolshierAryaStark Tue 22-Dec-15 12:40:44

He sounds awful sorry, I would have been so embarrassed by the behaviour he demonstrated at the weekend.

ExploraDora Tue 22-Dec-15 12:44:24

I would send a large bouquet, asking for Christmassy flowers, directly as a belated thank you and Merry Christmas. I wouldn't trust him to hand over a gift or not to claim it as his own.

And yyy to getting rid. How unattractive! You often read on MN about DHs who are stingy/controlling with money when women are on mat leave/SAHM and I wonder how often there were 'signs' like this in the early days that these men were grasping/miserly?

TeaFathers Tue 22-Dec-15 12:46:25

you've got yourself a tightarse there.
now would be a good time to ditch him.
everyone hates a tightarse.

MrsClusterfuck Tue 22-Dec-15 12:46:39

Stay with this man and you'll be making apologies for his stinginess for the rest of your life (my ex was similar - these people don't change). Run as far as you can as fast as you can is my advice.

ObsidianBlackbirdMcNight Tue 22-Dec-15 12:48:08

How have you not dumped him for the prosecco incident?

MooseAndSquirrel Tue 22-Dec-15 12:49:01

One thing ive leant from mn apart from now knowing its tenterhooks not tender is when someone shows you who they are, believe them.
Do you really want to carry on with a tight-fisted free loader?
My besties Oh hates spending money....but happily gets lovely presents for my girls & always brings a bottle if I'm hosting! There's a huge difference between being careful with money & being rude and selfish!
Also without a doubt a gift you bought wouldn't make it to the hosts!

LeaLeander Tue 22-Dec-15 12:49:25

Exactly, Explora. The signs are always there but get overlooked as quirks until it's too late.

OP, I bet a candid conversation with his friend's wife would be eye-opening. But meanwhile, run!

gamerchick Tue 22-Dec-15 12:50:42

So if he doesn't do gifts, does that mean you're getting a small sfa?

OTheHugeManatee Tue 22-Dec-15 12:52:36

Selfishness is an incredibly unattractive quality. Stinginess on its own is OK provided everyone is equally thrifty but when you're the only person being tight and you're relying on the generosity of others to make up the difference that's just ugly. I would reconsider this man as a long-term prospect in your shoes.

FairyFluffbum Tue 22-Dec-15 12:53:06

How awful!

What if you got married and God forbid you couldn't work. Would he pay things for you? Somehow I doubt it.

Does he have any redeeming features for you wanting to stick with him? It's obvious you are disgusted by his behaviour

Hullygully Tue 22-Dec-15 12:54:46

Meanness is horribly unattractive.

Give up now, it won't end well. He won't change and once you've noticed something you can't unnotice it. It will drive you mad.

Higge Tue 22-Dec-15 12:58:08

I'd dump him - stingy people are leeches to be avoided at all costs.

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